The journey begins

[faithisbelieving]

Being a little bit ahead of you, my advice is: stick with anything that helps you grow and avoid making the mistake of jumping into a new R. JMO. Keep up being a great dad.

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

As everyone on here knows it's just so tough having someone to go home to for 13 years and then ... not. And then having to process that and learn there may be or is an OM.

So I have to admit I was very, very desperate the first few months to find someone else -- too desperate, really. My guess is women can spot that miles away.

I finally found this church singles group in April and it has helped tremendously because they have things scheduled. Having a group to hang out with on the 4th was big. My July 17th night is set. We have a cookout -- kids invited on July 25. My July 31st is set, etc.

31 is just a super nice person, but again she may just look at me as a friend anyway. We exchange texts. She came to see me do an eating contest. She sits next to me when the group gets together. I can interpret everything both ways.

At the 4th, I walked her back to her car. She didn't ask. I just did it, but she also kind of waited for me to do it. She spent much of the night entertaining a 7-year-old daughter of a guy in the group. I told her how good she is with kids and she laughed and said she's never babysat. She has tons of friends with kids and decided right away to put down a rule, no babysitting.

She said she doesn't know if she'd want kids. She might be interested in adopting because she thinks she'd handle girls better than boys.

I told her that she'd be fine with boys. In my case, I would have loved to have a son and coach little league. I do miss that. But instead I have two girls who like dance and theater and going to plays and recitals now are the biggest joys in my life.

That whole conversation can be interpreted anyway you want.

Right now, I'm enjoying the fact that I have finally found a new group to be around. I was worried about making wrong choices and finding someone at some late night pickup bar.

And I really don't want to screw up the group. But my friends think I should just ask her out and are urging me to do so.

I want to just finish out the summer -- I've got money and D issues anyway -- and go from there.

D7 is up and hungry. D11 is still sleeping. I'm still trying to figure out a fourth person for Great America, but now it's supposed to rain the next couple of days.

[ClingingToHope]

Hey Romeo, the sign thing. How dumb was that?

[ClingingToHope]

STBXW just picked up the girls for the night. Since it's my week she's taking them on Wednesday night.

This was the best I've felt around her in a long time. Took the girls swimming and to a museum today. I got a few more pages read in a forgiveness book. While reading it, I had a revelation. In a way, I feel sorry for STBXW. The depression she's been fighting her whole life caused her to blow things up with us. She has to live with that. She has to live with the fact the girls soooo want us to be together. She has to live with the fact their standard of living is going to plunge several notches.

I know I have a long way to go to achieve real forgiveness, but I know I must. I can't sit around waiting 30 years for her to admit she was wrong so I can "I told you so."

So when she called, instead of handing the phone to D11 I answered. I told her she could pick the girls up here. She came in and -- I didn't say hi but I did look at her and not totally give her the cold shoulder.

It helps that the apartment was relatively clean and so far the girls and I have had two very laid-back but fun days.

Tomorrow we're off to Chicago. Museum of Science and Industry and hopefully the Sears Tower. The Sears Tower will be a blast.

[ClingingToHope]

Pulled out diary from last year. A year ago today the girls and I and my cousin went to Great America. Just an outstanding day.

Quote from last year:

"As a single father this is called being a Disneyland dad. I'm going to be more than that. Whether it's with STBXW or with someone else, I'm going to be someone they can always look up to."

I think I've done that for the most part.

July 8, 2009 was an interesting day. I had the girls and got the call that I got the townhouse.

"Girls were excited. Me? It's bittersweet. Another step in the road."

I've come a long, long way in a year.

[ImprovedRomeo]

While reading it, I had a revelation. In a way, I feel sorry for STBXW. The depression she's been fighting her whole life caused her to blow things up with us. She has to live with that. She has to live with the fact the girls soooo want us to be together. She has to live with the fact their standard of living is going to plunge several notches.

Mine has had depression issues since college too but somehow she manages to just blame someone else for any issues and keeps on going. I don't think she feels guilt/remorse/sadness etc. I don't think she's capable of and that's what makes me feel so helpless. Yeah, I just don't see how I can forgive her. I think what she did to us is unforgivable and while I don't wish her anything bad I do want karma to teach her a lesson...actually I don't really want anything bad to happen to her- just for her to come to her senses and admits she screwed up. But at this point even if she said that would it have any meaning (she's already done this once before)...

Anyway, good to see how far you've come in a year...things will only get better in the future.

Oh yeah, I'm not going to be a Disney dad either...good for you for being so involved with your kids! that's admirable!

[ClingingToHope]

StupidRomeo, here's why I think I have to learn how to forgive. Ask yourself this question, "what if karma never teaches her a lesson?"

Would that crush you?

I mean what if my STBXW gets promoted, finds another guy, sells the house for what is owed on it, moves into a smaller, easier-to-maintain one and develops a healthy work-to-parent ratio with the girls?

If that happens does that diminish my life?

I want so badly for her to admit she was wrong, that I was helping and she needs me.

But if I sit around waiting for that I may wake up 30 years from now bitter and alone.

I'm infatuated with the thought of dating 31. What if it actually happens and things are going well. At some point my failed M is going to come up and if I haven't forgiven STBXW, truly forgiven her, that'll likely come out and then what?

31 and any other woman will likely run rather than risk committing to someone who can't let go.

So I know I have to forgive. I just haven't been able to ... yet.

[whatisis]

Hm, your infatuated with the idea of dating 31 and you're pressuring yourself to forgive wife so you can have another R. CTH, again, be alone for a while. It's not easy but it will do you more good than jumping into a rebound R.

[kat727]

I couldn't agree more. It sounds as if you want to brush away the pain so that you can start a new R right now. It just doesn't work that way. I know everyone is different. I will have been divorced 2 years later this month and I just got ok with dating in March! You are looking for a band aide. No woman wants to be that.

kat

[newmama]

Yep, C2H, I am joining in...I don't think you have to wait to date, I think you shouldn't date someone with the expectation of a relationship. It sounds like you are getting your hopes up with 31. I see this so often-and it will leak through when you go out with 31...she will sense it! Keep it light! Find another woman to be interested in as well. Or take the challenge of being without someone for 6 more months....I honestly think women are more able to do this than men! Sorry if I am sounding sexist...just based on observations from these threads.

Here is how to date without being serious...You go out, laugh, talk, kiss goodnight. Go out again, make out. Dating doesn't mean you have to sleep with the person. Kissing for sure!!!

See for me, I don't want to risk going out for fun but then finding a guy I really like but not being ready for a relationship. So I am waiting until I ready for a relationship and THEN will go out for fun.

Also I agree with everything Golfgirl said about her age (sorry awest...but your 23 and 24 year old friends haven't been married that long yet...don't they want kids? I believe you that at 28 YOU are grounded and so could the 31 year old but she still will want a family probably!...)