Antonia saying "I dont know that I can be friends with you" is just sending him a mixed message...
If you want HIM to end his affair and choose a healthy marriage or self-destruction YOU need to set an example by choosing a side TOO... If YOU can't say
No friendship, no affair, no divorce - no to all of it Yes partners, yes reconcile, yes marriage - yes to all of that
you can't expect HIM to do it either
How can you expect HIM to hop off the fence when you don't?
If you don't want the affair then SAY that... dont' say "I don't know"...
As long as YOU say "I don't know" HE is going to do the SAME DAMN THING
There is no point in negotiating with an addict...
Your H has three choices
A Pursue the affair and string you along as a side entertainment B End the marriage and pursue the affair 100% C End the affair and rebuild the marriage
AS long as you are in contact with him and sending him mixed messages like "I don't know" he is going to vote for A
YOU need to make him understand that A is NOT an option for him...
It FORCES him to choose B or C... He WANTS A.. it's EASIER and far less PAINFUL...
YOU have the power and control to RESTRICT him from A and that FORCES him to choose B or C
You have the control here to do that... If you negotiate, chit chat, give him "I don't know's" or anything that gives him any impression other than he gets 100% from you or he gets ZERO then you are allowing him to string you along.
He needs to know its all or nothing here... Or he will keep up the affair and string you along as Plan B for years if you let him...
Ok I have stated very clearly that I cannot be his friend if he pursues the affair.
His response to this was that he was purposely staying out of contact with me because he felt it was the best thing for me. He also said that some days he felt terrific and other days he felt lost but that at least his decisions and their consequences were is own.
So clearly he is pursuing B and I can't affect that. Maybe in time he'll grow to miss what we had enough to go to C, but I feel very doubtful about that.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Just know, Antonia, that he is going to SAY that no matter what. In fact, it may even be a manipulation tactic (consciously or subconsciously) to get you to go back to choice A!
Don't believe what comes out of his mouth... Easy to say, I know, but important to remember.
Well, I have not told him so directly I guess. I have said things like "I don't know that I can be friends with you as long as she is in your life" but I havent' said directly that I will not be, mainly because he still has yet to sign the property settlement agreement and I'm afraid if I enrage him he'll take the house from me. (I am dropping off the prop. settlement info to the lawyer tomorrow and she has made it clear that that has nothing to do with a divorce, it only has to do with separating us financially for now and it can be changed later if we both wish it).
What I can say is that last time he left I became very clingy and needy and kept trying to negotiate with him on why he should come back, which drove him away, and this time I am determined not to do that, to let him go and let him sit and veg while I get on with my life and my friends and my happiness. It's actually not that bad in that I feel like I am developing really good connections with others that make me very happy. It makes me feel like I don't need him to have happy moments in my life. Sure if I had him AND those friends it would be the "best" life, but that's kind of out of my control. He may never see the light.
Puppy I did say to him in email and directly that I would not participate in covering up his affair and that I was fine with trying to reconcile if he took steps to remove the OW from his life, but that until he does, he cannot have the same rel. with me as before.
I think that in the past, I always caved on the detachment, and I do think that this time I am better equipped NOT to cave. I actually now understand that by caving I only hurt myself, but in not caving I strengthen myself for living without him.
Ok I have stated very clearly that I cannot be his friend if he pursues the affair.
His response to this was that he was purposely staying out of contact with me because he felt it was the best thing for me. He also said that some days he felt terrific and other days he felt lost but that at least his decisions and their consequences were is own.
So clearly he is pursuing B and I can't affect that. Maybe in time he'll grow to miss what we had enough to go to C, but I feel very doubtful about that.
It's not just his growing to miss you, YOU can keep in contact with your exposure group and ensure THEY keep pressing him while YOU distance yourself from him... this means YOU go through less direct anxiety and HE still has to deal with the pressure... AND yes, the attachment will start to wrestle with him if you stay OUT of contact COMPLETELY
What do you make of this tidbit? I have two male friends, both married themselves, who have helped me with certain things around the house and one attended a legal consultation with me for support. My WAH knows this. At first he seemed very bothered that I was consulting MEN for help, but both are guys I work with and I'm very close to both of their wives so I see nothing wrong with it.
Anyway, one of the guys told me that my H emailed the other guy to tell him thanks for being helpful to me and that maybe they could get together for a beer and hang out because they now lived close to one another. He also said he intended to contact the other guy I'm friends with for the same. He made some comment about how "a lot of people are rallying around her but I thought maybe we could get together some time."
Well the guy he emailed was so floored by this that he has not responded to my husband at all. My husband is not friends with either of these guys; they are MY friends/coworkers. My husband has only hung out with them when all the couples have gotten together.
What do you make of this?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia tell both these guys to ignore his emails and that if they want to support you they will have NOTHING to do with him
This will make your H VERY NERVOUS that they won't face him or interact with him... If he becomes thier pal he will trust they won't get involved with you... So tell yoru two guy friends to IGNORE your H completely.. Your husband will then start to PANIC
You tell your H NOTHING because you aern't in contact with him at all... you ignore your h just like your two guy friends are...
Leave your husband squirm with panic for a while... let him squirm.. It FORCES him out of A and to choose B or C
He THINKS he can have A, keep you as a side party...
You befriending other men who don't want to talk thim is going to PRESS the point on him that A is NOT available to him anymore
This is why he won't recommit to you Antonia.. He's convinced you will be there as his backup plan... This will scare teh crap out of him.. Keep paling around with these guys... As long as THEY know you aren't interested in anything romantic with them that's fine... your HUSBAND does NOT need to know that
