The DB Challenge -- STEP 2 -- Know what you want

[sage]

OK...onto our next chapter! The goal for the week is to read chapter 3 in DR. It's a short chapter but POWERFUL!

I'm still gonna be hanging a bit over in Step 1, too. Still working on cleaning out those ASSumptions.

Sage

[sage]

Here are the questions posted by JJ on the book club thread:

With this step, we begin to look at how to turn your "visions" of your relationship into reality by taking action!

As Michele says, Don't skip this step!" This is your road map for the rest of the program, and will help to keep you focused on where you're going, and help give you signs that you really are heading in the right direction!

First off, list 2 or 3 things you are hoping to change or improve about your marriage. The questions below might help you figure this out!

Goal Setting Rule #1 -

"Think about what you want, not what's missing"

Instead of concentrating on what you don't like about your marriage, take some time to concentrate on how you would like your marriage to be.

What parts of your relationship do you want more of?

What are the times in your marriage that you'd like to "re-create"?

What are some new things that you'd like to see happen?

"When my spouse stops doing ___________, what will s/he be doing?"

Goal-Setting Rule Number 2

"Think Action"

With this rule, we work on becoming less vague about what we want, and start to break things down into some specific actions. Things that we can SEE happening, and actual behaviors that can occur to let us chart our progress.

Lostlove got a great start with this in her first post, so we'll use some of her stuff for an example. (Hope you don't mind, LL!) Her broad goal could be stated as:

"Defined time that is set aside each week for us."

From there, she did a good job of being more specific, and action-oriented, with:

1) H will initiate outings more.
2) He will find more time to spend with the family.
3) He will find more time to spend separate time for us.

These are still a bit vague, though, but she goes on to describe more specific actions of:

1) He will surprise me with a sitter and say, "hey my mom will watch the kids tonight let's go see what's playing at the drive-in.
2) We will play a game of cards or darts one night a week.
3) Saturday night we either go out or rent a movie or hang in the basement playing darts.

This is a great action-oriented list! It will be easy to see when these goals are being accomplished.

Now, take some time to see what your goals would look like if you broke them down similar to this!!

Goal-Setting Rule Number 3

"Think Small"

Are your goals broken down into small pieces?

Are you trying to take any "baby steps", or are you looking at "leaps and bounds"?

What goal would you be able to see accomplished within a week or two time frame?

If you were that famous woman golfer, sinking that 30 foot putt with ease, what spot would you be aiming for that was in line with the hole?

What small step could you see realized that would help you feel less anxious, and less worried, about your relationship?

"What will be the very first signs that things are moving in the right direction?"

[RMC]

I think it's time to pull DB out, brush off the dust and start reading again before we go on our trip to Colorado next week with our 2 boys.
I'm real good at those ASSumptions too Sage.
One thing that I have realized is that I PROJECT my feelings onto my H. I think what I'm THINKING is actually happening and that he feels the same way I do. (stinkin' thinkin')
We have not discussed projection on here very much from what I can tell, and I think so many of us do it and don't even realize it.
I hafta say this goal setting is very difficult for me. I'm afraid if I list things I will see happening and they DON'T happen, I will become disappointed and discouraged.
It will be a real challenge for me if I attempt this, and another thing I think is it's difficult to do. I don't think I'll do it right, therefore I've avoided it.
You've given excellent examples and food for thought concerning this-I think I may think on this and see what I can come up with as far as goals. Rachael

[RMC]

I think it's time to pull DB out, brush off the dust and start reading again before we go on our trip to Colorado next week with our 2 boys.
I'm real good at those ASSumptions too Sage.
One thing that I have realized is that I PROJECT my feelings onto my H. I think what I'm THINKING is actually happening and that he feels the same way I do. (stinkin' thinkin')
We have not discussed projection on here very much from what I can tell, and I think so many of us do it and don't even realize it.
I hafta say this goal setting is very difficult for me. I'm afraid if I list things I will see happening and they DON'T happen, I will become disappointed and discouraged.
It will be a real challenge for me if I attempt this, and another thing I think is it's difficult to do. I don't think I'll do it right, therefore I've avoided it.
You've given excellent examples and food for thought concerning this-I think I may think on this and see what I can come up with as far as goals. Rachael

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

GOALS
Actual actions

1. For Husband to speak to me with respect.

My husband will say one respectful thing to me a day. When he does, I'll tell him, "Thank you. I love it when you treat me with respect.

2. For me to laugh at myself when husband says something I would normally take as hurt to my heart.

When husband says something that hurts my feelings, that I think is disrespectful, I'll agree with him and laugh at my foibles.

3. For me to catch myself before I say something stupid, rather than after, and have to correct it.

I shall prevent myself from saying something stupid at least once a day. And when I do, I'll post my sucess on the BB.

Hugs all.

[RMC]

Hmmmm. I have no clue why my post got sent twice.
Maybe for extra emphasis subconciously? Sorry.... Rachael

[Zoo]

Ah...was waiting for this section Sage

Most of my goals at this point pertain to my "cheeseless tunnels". My R/M seems to be going ok at the moment but I'm using DR methods to do a little bit of preventative maintenance on myself so that I can keep the forward momentum going in my M Goal # 1 has been my focus all week.

Goals

1. I will no longer feel the NEED to ask H HOW he got every little scratch and/or mark on his body.

If I see a mark on H, rather then ask how he got it I will take a deep breath and hold it to the count of 10. I feel that I will have conquered this NEED if I can refrain from asking for at least one month.

I have succeeded at not ASKING this question for 6 1/2 days so far. H did say it was OK for me to point out any that were bleeding or particularly nasty looking. I did have to address this the other day but I did not ASK...instead I said "you have a bad scratch on your @$$ that looks like it might be bleeding, you might want to check it out. I left it at that.

2. I will no longer "talk" a sitch to death when I feel I am not being understood.

Keep it simple. I will not go into "why, when, how and where" before I get to the "what". I will just state the "what" and if H needs further clarification he will ask for it. I will not ASSume or go into "20 question" mode if I don't understand something H has said. I will instead say " I don't understand...did you mean_______?".. I will also include here that I will not say "huh, wha', or eh?" if I don't hear H completely (this tends to lead me down defensive explanatory path because H thinks I'm being obtuse when I say "huh?"). Instead I will state "I did not hear you, would you please repeat what you just said".

This is actually a goal that H and I kind of discussed last night because we were trying to narrow down some communication problems we have. I was keeping my side of the convo simple...it turned out I wasn't understanding H right and vice versa. I asked H for a better way to approach this issue since it seemed to be a common communication problem for us. H said it would be easier if I just told him I didn't understand or hear him The "keep it simple" was at his suggestion too.

I only have those two goals right now...they are big ones for me and are going to take a lot of work to make them stick...I'm pretty darn thick-headed

Zoo

[Jamesjohn]

Great communication goals there, Zoo! Looks like something you're heading down the right path on already!! It's wonderful that your H told you what he wanted regarding this!

A lot of the best phrases you can use can sound kinda fake and artificial at first (i.e. "I did not hear you, would you please repeat what you just said"), but don't let that stop you from using them! They become more natural to use with time, and are very helpful in breaking any "not so good" patterns of what can typically happen.

Excellent job!!!

[Jamesjohn]

You gotta know what you want first before you can ask for it!!

[psluke]

My goals right now:

Not to contact David, and if he should contact me, keep it low key, no R talk and no emotional talk.

Not to push anything forward on the D

Keep working on the house till I get it organized, to try to keep my mind from going nuts.

Remember to stop and deal with my emotions rather than let them out.

Not much here but don't think there can be where we are at right now.