I'm new here, Don't know where to start

[PEI]

I started here too, as you know, and got some great advice ... but I wouldn't always call it 'neutral'.

It's certainly FAR more neutral than either Infidelity and MLC. My intent in encouraging her to start here was for her to get a broad range of opinions, before she pigeon-holed her husband into any specific diagnosis. Not sure why you have an objection to that?

I absolutely do not have an objection to anyone getting a broad range of opinions prior to 'diagnosis', in fact it's why I would encourage lurking around the forums and getting a feel for what you are dealing with. What I object to is your insistence on the word 'neutral', but c'est la vie ... we can agree to disagree on that one!

Right now, LT has multiple threads going, on multiple forums, some with COMPLETELY different sets of strategies and tactics. My fear for her here is that she's going to get horribly confused.

This is precisely why I wouldn't call it neutral ... the fact is that there is a 'set of strategies and tactics' common to the forum. I agree that the majority, ie learning to set and enforce boundaries for example, are global and incredibly important, but some of the A tactics and strategies could backfire depending on the 'diagnosis'. Patience and education are the key, IMO.

I think the really key piece to communicate is that boundaries, while incredibly important and necessary, are for the LBS, and should only be set when the LBS is actually ready and able to follow through. I know that is the common sentiment over here, but I think sometimes it gets glossed over in the discussion and a newbie setting boundaries they can't/won't enforce is not gonna do anybody any good.

I agree, far too few newbies are willing to set and enforce boundaries. When we encounter that -- if we agree that they are important (and you say you do) -- then we should ENCOURAGE them to do better in this regard, don't you think?

If I think you need to do "A" to have the best chance in your sitch, but I see you're either unwilling or unable to do it, I don't just move along to "B" ... I try to come at you from a different angle, and encourage you to do "A", successfully. Especially if "A" is a real cornerstone or foundation to the next steps of DBing.

Puppy

LOL, and 'I say I do' ... I take it you question my belief in the importance of boundaries? Absolutely I agree that encouragement is important, but understanding oneself and one's ability to deal with the consequenses of boundaries is also important. I, for one, was not ready to live with the outcomes so I was slow to set boundaries, I babystepped my way in. I'm in a much better place now, but it was a process.

I really don't have an issue with boundaries in general. I do not always agree with the confront/expose advice given because I do believe it matters whether or not the WAS is MLC or not. In fact, as you well know, MWD herself does not advocate the confront/expose tactic. I say, do what works ... just remember that what works can vary vastly!

PEI