I know you guys won't approve, but you will understand when I say that none of that really matters as much as having my husband back and our marriage moving in a good direction. Having my marriage in such a mess is very unsettling to me and affects every single part of my life. I know that it's appealing and attractive to my H to see me working on myself, getting in shape, being happy, not doting on him. I am getting better every day. Sometimes it feels like a game, pretending to be something I'm not. But I have truly come a very long way since last fall when he told me.
Honestly, it doesn't matter whether we approve or not, but know that if we don't agree with something, usually, there is a reason.
Yes having your M back is important to you. Having a good R is important to all of us. That is why we all found this place.
However, while it may be the long term goal, it shouldn't be the short term one.
My son is really into karate and one of his goals is to become a National Champion. However, he can't just go out there and compete and expect it to happen. He has had to train, in the sport and out. His body and his mind. Prepare for success and defeat. He has been doing this for eight years now. The last two have been intensive training. Guess what, he isn't the National Champion yet but he did take fourth this year. And he is the State Champion. Next year, well who just knows what will happen if he keeps himself on the path.
You are in the same position. Train and prepare for success and defeat.
Defeat that your M may not reconcile, but success that YOU can be happy, know yourself, and in the future, hopefully have a successful R with someone, actually with all of the people in your life.
Right now you feel like you are playing a game, because, well it sounds like you are trying to play a game.
The if I do this, the result will be that game. With the prize being a restored M.
Until you can realize that this isn't a game, this is your life and you are NOT playing for your M but for yourself, that is how it is going to continue to feel.
You have been in counseling and have learned some good things, but it sounds like you have more to work on.
Mach jokes about being a control freak. He really is joking.
Maybe he was, I didn't know him then, I know I was, in fact you are right, we all have those tendencies.
He isn't now. It isn't enough to simply accept our faults and move forward with them. We have to kill them. Yes, occassionally they will rear their ugly head and that is when we have to recognize them and do something about them.
Control, in a R, no one really needs to have it. When you do the 40-40-20 thing you talked of, well, it doesn't always work. There are some things that simply have to be looked at as things that have to be worked around. If we are always searching for that compromise, someone will end up compromising themselves.
In my current R, the one who has the least amount of investment in something, is the one who steps back. Really there is little debating things. If it doesn't mean that much to me, then the end decision shouldn't mean that much either. And there is no trying to convince each other that their position is wrong, should change, bla bla bla. It just works.
When you start to realize what control really is, you will realize how little really needs to be controlled in order to be happy.
The weight thing, sorry, but I have to agree with the guys on this one. Personally, although I was ok with my extra weight, I feel much more confident and better about myself without the weight. Yes guys are visual. I actually like that. I am not visual about men, but I am about women if that makes any sense at all. Seeing an attractive woman tells me that that woman cares about herself. That she takes time for herself. While I cannot tolerate women who rely ONLY on their looks, how a woman cares for herself, says a lot about how she feels about herself. Because women who don't care about themselves, don't love themselves, look frumpy, tired, simply worn out. And that has less to do with their size but the overall package. Believe me, the same applies to men, however I have seen many many more well put together men than women. And believe me, that is a lot of what men see in women as well when they aren't thinking with their little man only. LOL. I have seen my BF's head be turned by a woman with a smokin hot body just as quickly as by someone dressed very attractivly with a little more meat on her bones.
Frankly, it doesn't bother me at all. It did with my H. But I didn't know then what I know now. About myself, about love, about relationships. About people and life in general. I know that nothing is set in stone as far as our or any relationship. R's are risks. There is no forever. There is no guarantee. It is the way it works. Living in fear that the "happy ending" won't happen, is not living at all.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
