The list I gave you were for your eyes only. The DR book will be just for you to read, so keep it out of sight. The reason behind that is it gives your "game plan" and you don't share you game plan with the opposing team, right?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'll check out "His Needs Her Needs" today. The hard part for me about the 5 Love Languages is figuring out her primary language. I guess that's a signal that I definitely don't know her as well as I should. I can narrow it down to 2, but past that, I'm just guessing.
My parents leave the house today, and it was really nice to have them around. They told me yesterday that they had even forgotten that my M was in trouble.
My W and I are supposed to complete the scenario outline tonight in time for W's individual meeting with our MC tomorrow. I'm hesitant to bring it up because I don't want to push her. Should I just wait and see what she does?
I realized that between eating a more healthy diet and exercising, I've lost over 20 lbs. I'm sure stress might be helping that, but I feel so much better. My weight goal is within 9 lbs! I never thought I would be able to lose weight, and keep it off, so for me, this is huge.
It's hard to know the LL when she's ready to walk. You may have to think about things in the past. What would she do for you that "spoke" her message of love to you? That is usually a person's LL. That is how she would read it coming from you.
I would not get stressed about the LL too much at this time, b/c I feel there are other things to deal with before you are at the place to do that.
When a W is ready to walk, she often will use the MC to validate her reasons for leaving the M. Unless your MC is very pro-M and sees what W is doing, I would not push it. I think MC could help once she decides to reconcile.....but not to save the M. She's not in the right frame of mind.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Another hard thing about the DB strategy for me is knowing when to start acting more "normal" to her, more affectionate etc. She's as stubborn as me, and has always let me take the initiative with everything in our relationship. Do I wait til she begs forgiveness etc.? Is it that obvious, or are the any subtle signs to watch for?
Obviously there's nothing subtle right now. Just distance between us, though we do laugh and talk ok. Just a lot of resentment and anger bubbling under the surface for her. Me, I'm still just scared and trying to focus on the positive things I see and do.
Off hand, I'd say it depends on whether or not you are willing to be affectionate without forgiveness. If you are....then you may never hear an apology.
I would say to put the thought of affection aside for a good while. Not knowing the personality of your W, it's hard to say, but some WAW's feel that they keep the H under their thumb if he caves and has sex with her. Of course, she's not changing her ways but she thinks she has control if she can wrap him around her sexual finger. Needless to say...not all WAW's do this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well, tonight we did our MC's exercise where we discussed all the possible paths our marriage might take:
1. Stay together and work things out 2. Separate into different rooms 3. Separate residences 4. Divorce
W got upset that and asked how could I be so cold while discussing these? I said that I was far from cold, but that I trusted our MC. I listened to her concerns, the two most dominant being the affect on our children, and her worries of being financially independent. I tried not to put too much advice/interpretation and just listened. She said that she wasn't sure she'd know when to give up, when she had tried enough.
She has also noticed the things I've been doing for myself, but she's taking them the wrong way. She thinks that dieting, working out, going to church as well as listening to her when she talks is just too much "in her face" reminding her of how she felt overwhelmed by me when we first started dating.
I told her that these things were for me, that they made me feel better about myself. But she's so hypersensitive that she thinks everything is about her. In some ways, it might be easier if she did move out to a friends house/appt, but she'd never do that since it'd mean seeing less of our children.
She also said she feels like she's responsible for my happiness, and that if she stays while feeling as she does today, then she'll be miserable. I only said that I'm the one responsible for my happiness; but that having her in my life in a healthy, loving relationship would naturally be a good thing.
It's pretty obvious that she doesn't trust the changes I've made, and though she thinks they are good changes for me, thinks I'm doing them for her. She had been given the 5 Love Languages last year, and when I told her that I never knew what was important to me until I read it, she seemed to understand. I also said that it seemed like her LL was Quality of Time, which she agreed. I said that it was unfortunate that we've spent more quality time together the last week than the last 10 years, and that seemed to resonate with her.
She meets individually with our MC tomorrow, and then i do on Friday. As much as I wish I was a fly on the wall, I can't do much. I just need to focus on myself and my daughters.
If anyone has any idea of how I can give my W more space (while we still live in the same house and share parenting responsibilities), fire away.
If anyone has any idea of how I can give my W more space (while we still live in the same house and share parenting responsibilities), fire away.
By getting out of the house while she's there. If you can't do that, then do yard work, go into the other room....just stay out of her hair and don't smother. If quality time is her LL...you will have to learn how to balance that b/c it will be very tricky with her being a WAW. Even though it is her LL, she is not receptive to it right now. You'll have to baby step your way back into it.
If your WAW doesn't show much positive from meeting alone with the MC, then I'm thinking the only reason she's going is to argue her case for D and trying to get the C's agreement that there's no hope for the M. If that's the case, then you might want to discuss it with C alone to see if the sessions are hurting more than helping.
I personally believe MC only works if both people "want" to save the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Getting out of the house while she's home means giving up time with my daughters, so it's tough to stay out of her hair.
Also, I wonder if she's having an EA with a coworker. The OM is in a longterm relationship, and will be moving out of state in the next couple of weeks with his GF. My W frequently cooks food and takes it to work to share with him; she also talks about him a lot, though she talks about a lot of her coworkers too. She doesn't have much time for any type of hookup, though she is working out in the mornings around 5AM at the Y. So that could just be a cover; I'll have to do some detective work to see if she's really going there or having a rendezvous.
