What are you doing for yourself? Do you have a friend you can hang out with? A movie to watch, a book to buy?
GAL - Get a life. Enroll in a class you always wanted to take...you take the focus off of what HE is doing and on becoming a better you. You can control YOU...not him and worrying about him...does jack and shite for you.
Get off the computer and go do something...a walk, check out some weights 5 pounders? Thinner is good, tone and thinner...AWESOME!!
Something for you Taylor.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack and Gritt: Gees, this laptop is new and I keep hitting buttons that take me all the way out of the forum and then the awesome msg that I was typing is sent into the black hole. Can't tell you how many times that has happened.
Sigh..here I start all over again. Jack and Gritt..thanks for hanging in there with me. I appreciate it. I am trying to do things for me. I mentioned that my son and his family live here. They had a new baby just 2 weeks before H told me about the OW. I have been doing daycare since the day after he told me. Thank God for my little grandson. He has helped to take some of the focus off this mess. But I still have managed to be pretty obsessive about it.
I read alot. I have actually started to throw in a little fantasy fiction in addition to the self help stuff I read. I'm a little tired of thinking about it all the time.
I don't have any friends here, which is one of the reasons I am looking for a job. It's like living on another planet here..so far from everyone I know. And very isolated. With my H gone so much for work these past 3.5 years, I have learned how to be alone..so I guess I'll be prepared if the marriage doesn't work out. I never was much of a loner..I like to talk and do stuff with people. I like to sew and have taken some classes, but since this all started, I haven't thought much about that. i will probably need to take some refresher classes anyway at the college so I can get a job..so i'm checking into that.
I do go for walks, ride my bike, exercise, read, play on the internet, email my friends, go to C, talk to my friends and family on the phone, watch movies, and take care of my dogs (I have 3), give myself manicures and pedicures, clean the house and pack things I don't use so I'm sort of prepared if this doesn't work out. I am busy planning for my next grandbaby-due in Feb 2011. So I have plenty to keep me busy. I know you guys won't approve, but you will understand when I say that none of that really matters as much as having my husband back and our marriage moving in a good direction. Having my marriage in such a mess is very unsettling to me and affects every single part of my life. I know that it's appealing and attractive to my H to see me working on myself, getting in shape, being happy, not doting on him. I am getting better every day. Sometimes it feels like a game, pretending to be something I'm not. But I have truly come a very long way since last fall when he told me.
It sounds like you have a lot of things filling your time.
How about considering some things you've never done but always wanted to do?
Example for me.
I always wanted to learn to ride a horse so I started horseback riding lessons.
You did not choose to have your life thrown into turmoil so I know this is unsettling.
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It's like living on another planet here..so far from everyone I know. And very isolated. With my H gone so much for work these past 3.5 years, I have learned how to be alone..so I guess I'll be prepared if the marriage doesn't work out. I never was much of a loner..I like to talk and do stuff with people.
This would suggest to me that you have lost YOU in this M.
Your focus has been on H and your M.
Which is good and bad. I am going to find a little piece i have posted on here about being interdependent rather than co-dependent in a realationship.
For now your task is to detach and do things for YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
But let there be spaces in your togetherness And let the winds of the heavens dance between you
Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous,but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping for Only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I know you guys won't approve, but you will understand when I say that none of that really matters as much as having my husband back and our marriage moving in a good direction. Having my marriage in such a mess is very unsettling to me and affects every single part of my life. I know that it's appealing and attractive to my H to see me working on myself, getting in shape, being happy, not doting on him. I am getting better every day. Sometimes it feels like a game, pretending to be something I'm not. But I have truly come a very long way since last fall when he told me.
Honestly, it doesn't matter whether we approve or not, but know that if we don't agree with something, usually, there is a reason.
Yes having your M back is important to you. Having a good R is important to all of us. That is why we all found this place.
However, while it may be the long term goal, it shouldn't be the short term one.
My son is really into karate and one of his goals is to become a National Champion. However, he can't just go out there and compete and expect it to happen. He has had to train, in the sport and out. His body and his mind. Prepare for success and defeat. He has been doing this for eight years now. The last two have been intensive training. Guess what, he isn't the National Champion yet but he did take fourth this year. And he is the State Champion. Next year, well who just knows what will happen if he keeps himself on the path.
You are in the same position. Train and prepare for success and defeat.
Defeat that your M may not reconcile, but success that YOU can be happy, know yourself, and in the future, hopefully have a successful R with someone, actually with all of the people in your life.
Right now you feel like you are playing a game, because, well it sounds like you are trying to play a game.
The if I do this, the result will be that game. With the prize being a restored M.
Until you can realize that this isn't a game, this is your life and you are NOT playing for your M but for yourself, that is how it is going to continue to feel.
You have been in counseling and have learned some good things, but it sounds like you have more to work on.
Mach jokes about being a control freak. He really is joking.
Maybe he was, I didn't know him then, I know I was, in fact you are right, we all have those tendencies.
He isn't now. It isn't enough to simply accept our faults and move forward with them. We have to kill them. Yes, occassionally they will rear their ugly head and that is when we have to recognize them and do something about them.
Control, in a R, no one really needs to have it. When you do the 40-40-20 thing you talked of, well, it doesn't always work. There are some things that simply have to be looked at as things that have to be worked around. If we are always searching for that compromise, someone will end up compromising themselves.
In my current R, the one who has the least amount of investment in something, is the one who steps back. Really there is little debating things. If it doesn't mean that much to me, then the end decision shouldn't mean that much either. And there is no trying to convince each other that their position is wrong, should change, bla bla bla. It just works.
When you start to realize what control really is, you will realize how little really needs to be controlled in order to be happy.
The weight thing, sorry, but I have to agree with the guys on this one. Personally, although I was ok with my extra weight, I feel much more confident and better about myself without the weight. Yes guys are visual. I actually like that. I am not visual about men, but I am about women if that makes any sense at all. Seeing an attractive woman tells me that that woman cares about herself. That she takes time for herself. While I cannot tolerate women who rely ONLY on their looks, how a woman cares for herself, says a lot about how she feels about herself. Because women who don't care about themselves, don't love themselves, look frumpy, tired, simply worn out. And that has less to do with their size but the overall package. Believe me, the same applies to men, however I have seen many many more well put together men than women. And believe me, that is a lot of what men see in women as well when they aren't thinking with their little man only. LOL. I have seen my BF's head be turned by a woman with a smokin hot body just as quickly as by someone dressed very attractivly with a little more meat on her bones.
Frankly, it doesn't bother me at all. It did with my H. But I didn't know then what I know now. About myself, about love, about relationships. About people and life in general. I know that nothing is set in stone as far as our or any relationship. R's are risks. There is no forever. There is no guarantee. It is the way it works. Living in fear that the "happy ending" won't happen, is not living at all.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Gritt, I have figured out, after much reflection, that I did lose myself..and not necessarily to my H or our marriage. I just lost myself. Even my kids tell me that. I was so happy before we moved here. Full of life, looked great, enjoyed activities, did fun stuff..but when we moved so far away from the people I loved and had spent time with and didn't know anyone..well..I think I went into some kind of depression. The only thing I had was my H and our marriage..so I clung to it..desperately.
This MLC or whatever it is, has sure kicked me right in the butt. Both of us, really. It was something I needed, something we both needed, even tho I ask God why He couldn't have triggered the changes that were needed with some other sitch. It's been the hardest leg of my journey so far. And probably will be the catalyst for me to learn the most about myself and life in general.
It just makes me so sad to think that I may not get to see my H sitting in his chair next to me, hear him whistling, see him walk down the hall, enjoy his beautiful smile. He's my favorite person in the world. i try not to dwell on that because I know God has a plan and that since He loves me, it will all be good.
Cat, nice post. Thanks for your input. Like I mentioned to Gritt..there seems to be so darn much to absorb. Control, childhood issues, relationship issues with just about everyone you know, working on me and what that means, how much I can take or how patient I can be and what the consequences of that action will be, what is the right or wrong thing to say and do, who to talk to, boundries..man..I could just go on and on. That's why I'm trying to take baby steps and learn a little at a time. My brother tells me there is no expiration date, so to take my time. Then I have others who keep asking how much I'm going to take, how long am I going to let him walk all over me, what am I going to do..it gets me agitated. Cause I don't know what to do.
That's the bottom line..I don't know which way to turn and I'm afraid. Not all the time, and less now than before..but when your future hangs in limbo, there is no plan, everything is all f--ed up..well, it's unsettling. I know that working on me has helped me gain some control of my emotions and self-esteem. But God help me..I wish he would see that throwing our marriage and me away is not going to do anything but destroy lives. And maybe that is what he needs to learn all by himself..even tho his brain is all fogged up and his perceptions skewed and distorted. Sometimes it's like he's mental. How can someone make healthy decisions when they're like that?
I know God has a plan and that since He loves me, it will all be good.
Do not confuse love with ease or comfort.
My Dad loved and loves me, and I am a decent man I like to think, he didn't feed me candy and fill my room full of balloons and fluffy animals and give everything I wanted growing up. He was hard, but fair.
I hope to impart the same lessons in my sons.
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I wish he would see that throwing our marriage and me away is not going to do anything but destroy lives.
Actually not really lives...a marriage...yes...but not lives a lifestyle...yeah.
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My brother tells me there is no expiration date, so to take my time
Your brother is AWESOME! As for the others...thank them for their concern but let them know you are going to stop talking with them if they keep pressuring you into making a choice according to their time table.
You be SMART for YOU. Surround yourself with people that will HELP, not hinder your choices.
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your future hangs in limbo
Oh...your future is coming...its not like time unravelled. It just ight not be the one you planned...and to THAT affect it does nothing for you to worry about somehting that you have no control over. Hey the world is supposed to end in Dec 2012 because the Mayans ran out of rock to carve on...you worried about that too? ; )
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Sometimes it's like he's mental.
The MLC choice is yours to make, if you do...it certainly explains alot. ALOT.
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How can someone make healthy decisions when they're like that?
Can one? I'd say by accident rather than by design.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
