Don't beat yourself up about the book. In hindsight, I think most LBS's can see the signs they should have missed, along with the point their spouse stopped trying.
I found a book like that, too. My W was reading the book by Dr. Phil's wife, Robin. She stopped reading when she got to the chapter on doing what makes your husband happy. It's still bookmarked right next to the bed, where it has laid for a year.
Ee Robins' book isnt' going to help your wife right now... She needs a PROFESSIONAL famly therapist... a GOOD ONE
THe probelm is she went to sleazy MEN on facebook instead of a family therapist when her marriage was bad and she just ended up making her marriage a LOT WORSE...
On another note I found something pretty devastating today. I was looking through books my WAH brought home from when we were separated last year and he went to a few individual counseling sessions. There was a book he had me order for him on relationship issues, and I noticed only today that he had highlighted tons of passages in the book. Keep in mind that this all came BEFORE he even met the OW. All the passages explain his emotional disconnect and detachment and loss of romantic love for me. He had highlighted passages about how he was faking the relationship for me at his own expense, that he was starting to resent me for not letting him be his own person, yadda yadda.
What kills me about this is that it was RIGHT THERE under my nose all this time. He never asked me to look at this book or read it; he never discussed his feelings that were in there plain as day.
How do you know he didn't highlight these passages later, as a way to justify his behavior, in hopes that you would find them?
Well, I do know that he highlighted them back when he was in therapy and before the OW, because when he brought the book home and moved back in, I remembered opening it then and seeing highlights all through. However, since the book was called "Boundaries", I thought I'd be intruding if I read what he marked so I put it away.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia, we all have made mistakes here... Beating yourself up over them is pointless.. All of us here don't get 20/20 until AFTER things have gotten really ugly... You are in the RIGHT place now and you do your best with the hand you have in front of you...
There is hope, but you have to make the most of what you have given to you and NOT beat yourself up OR let your spouse beat you up with negative relationship talks... This is the problem with a lot of LBS' is when their WS isn't making them miserable with negative commentary the LBS beats herself up in private... How can ANYONE combat divorce with that approach?
You need to be as informed as you can be, but learn to shut out the negatives that won't get you closer ... everything you hear brings you closer or further away... YOU CHOSE what you take in and what you throw away...
Allen's right, Antonia - if we could have all seen the signs ahead of time, we wouldn't be here now.
My WH worked out with OW 3x a week for 9 months before I got a clue. How in the WORLD could I have allowed that, you ask? Well, the last time WH worked out with a woman 3x a week for six months, it was to help her get in shape for her wedding. She looked amazing on her big day.
THAT was my mental picture of WH working out with another woman. How in the world was I supposed to know that THIS time, instead of helping the girl get into a wedding dress, he was trying to help himself into her pants?
Hindsight's ALWAYS crystal clear. You can't beat yourself up about it. You can only learn and try to better next time.
Yeah you guys are right. A friend of mine said that all of the blaming of oneself just serves to distract one from blaming the other person who left, and really, truly, that person is to blame, because he or she kept us all in the dark and deliberately hid info that would have helped things get better. It is sort of a passive way for them to end the marriage because they were too lazy to do any work on it. I think it's TERRIBLY cowardly. And we're the left behind ones because we're ultimately stronger.
I want to say that I have not seen my WAH since Saturday afternoon and the last email exchange was Sunday morning. That's the longest I've gone at this stage in the progression(hitting one month in a few days)because last time he left by one month we were pretty much dating again or talking often. I know that friends have told him that he cannot expect to be my best friend after this, as long as he's with the OW, and he is really banking on that not being true, so I've got to make it come true or else I enable him to keep avoiding the reality of all of this.
BTW a friend of mine went through all this crap with her 7 year boyfriend and fiance--and he has now told her that there was not one day when he didn't think about her and what he left behind when he went the way of dating other women, and he said no matter what kind of bravado he showed to her, that he was indeed constantly saying in his mind things like "well this girl is great but not as great as the one I left."
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I know that friends have told him that he cannot expect to be my best friend after this, as long as he's with the OW, and he is really banking on that not being true, so I've got to make it come true or else I enable him to keep avoiding the reality of all of this.
So have you actually TOLD him this, Antonia?
This was a HUGE piece of the puzzle in fighting my wife's affair three years ago. Giving her the "I have no intention of being your friend, let alone your BEST friend, if you choose to end our marriage this way, by having an affair and LYING to those you love about it," -- along with exposure to our adult daughters and her parents -- were the things that were the most effective.
Well, I have not told him so directly I guess. I have said things like "I don't know that I can be friends with you as long as she is in your life" but I havent' said directly that I will not be, mainly because he still has yet to sign the property settlement agreement and I'm afraid if I enrage him he'll take the house from me. (I am dropping off the prop. settlement info to the lawyer tomorrow and she has made it clear that that has nothing to do with a divorce, it only has to do with separating us financially for now and it can be changed later if we both wish it).
What I can say is that last time he left I became very clingy and needy and kept trying to negotiate with him on why he should come back, which drove him away, and this time I am determined not to do that, to let him go and let him sit and veg while I get on with my life and my friends and my happiness. It's actually not that bad in that I feel like I am developing really good connections with others that make me very happy. It makes me feel like I don't need him to have happy moments in my life. Sure if I had him AND those friends it would be the "best" life, but that's kind of out of my control. He may never see the light.
Puppy I did say to him in email and directly that I would not participate in covering up his affair and that I was fine with trying to reconcile if he took steps to remove the OW from his life, but that until he does, he cannot have the same rel. with me as before.
I think that in the past, I always caved on the detachment, and I do think that this time I am better equipped NOT to cave. I actually now understand that by caving I only hurt myself, but in not caving I strengthen myself for living without him.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
