Well here I am now. Moved over from DBD

[g450]

Just journeling a bit:

Well my anniversary is coming up. We were married 18Jul87.
It would have been our 23rd. I have no contact at all. Only see her on the road from time to time driving the little red Miata that I bought her for Christmas.

For the longest time I thought this would not bother me since we have been divorced since Feb. But I haven't passed the one year mark yet for all of this, not even the bomb.

Im going to confess that it really bothers me now. Im starting to think about our wedding, both our families, our plans, our love, my Son growing up, her online affair. It all hit me at once last night and I could not sleep. I shed some tears again and I haven't done that in a long while. I feel very lonely in my house alone. Especially at night.

I usually have a few beers or shots at night to help me sleep but I am taking medication now that will not let me drink so I guess I got used to being a bit numb before bed time. This is part of it.

But I still remember our wedding like it was yesterday. She was so beautiful in her white dress. And I still love her, even more than I did back then. I hate this feeling and I hate myself for feeling this way. I don't know why I can't detach.

I want to call her and hear her voice again but I know that she is still the ugly unfeeling thing that betrayed me and abandoned our marriage. She is not the woman I married. I would not accomplish anything except make myself look weak if I did that. I just wish I could take her tempreture and see if anything has changed with her at all.

Deep down inside I know she is not coming back. And I repeatedly told myself this several times to let it sink in..."she is not coming back!". Too many bridges have been burned and she has no emotions or thoughts of me at all.

So why do I still think about her? I should care less. Guess Im just still attached to my past and the image of her in my mind.