Thank you everyone. I am sorry all of you are here as well.
I have been trying to focus on myself by: - spending more time with my friends and family (something that I didn't do as much as I should have while married) - going to IC..my confidence has been shaken quite a bit from all of this. I am also trying to understand how I allowed my H to treat me the way he did for so long. I let him chisel me down for many years. - I am doing alot of yardwork (partially by default)- but this is something I have always enjoyed doing. I would join my H in doing this stuff but I am now taking care of it all by myself. I like being outside more than I realized. - I am making sure that I am eating right. I lost quite a bit of weight the past 6 months and now making eating a priority...making myself a priority - I am not allowing my H to manipulate me anymore...unfortunately more by avoidance than anything else - I am allowing myself to bawl when I feel I need to...I wasn't doing that very much during the past 6 months. Everything that was going on was so painful..I just tried to pretend that it wasn't happening..or I would talk myself out of it
I started up a relationship with someone right after my H and I decided to D. I am in the slow process of trying to end it. I feel terrible for getting myself involved...I know I am going to hurt this guy. It was a big mistake- people on here tried to warn me..but I didn't listen. It was a very nice distraction from all of this. I realize that I just craved that attention from someone else..the need to feel wanted after feeling so rejected. I didn't realize how much I needed to be alone until I took a vacation a couple of weeks back. It really gave me a chance to think about my life, what I need, and what I want. All of this doesn't involve being with another man.
H is on his way over here right now to pick up more of his stuff. Whenever he comes here..I get so anxious. All those days and nights of walking on eggshells..the feelings of not knowing what was going to happen when he walked thru that door..how he was going to treat me..what he was going to say. I hate this feeling...and I hate that it is still here even though he hasn't lived here in 6 months.
