Just wondering if anyone might be able to shed some light on the withdrawal that happens when the spouse breaks it off with the affair person? Changes in behavior that are normal, how to handle it, how long, anything I can do..stuff like that. Any ideas or resource suggestions are welcome.
To help you totally separate from your lover, and avoid the temptation to see him when you crave him the most, I suggest the following extraordinary precautions:
1. Honesty
The first extraordinary precaution to avoid your lover is to tell your husband all about your affair, and the decision you have made to restore your love for him. Then promise to keep telling him the truth about every aspect of your life, so you never again have a secret second life where you are tempted to hurt him behind his back.
Honesty and openness is one of the best ways to prevent yourself from being inconsiderate of your husband's feelings. It was your friend's threat to reveal all to your husband that motivated you to separate from your lover. Your friend wanted to shed to light of day on the things you were doing in secret to protect your husband. But you should do it yourself. Go right to your husband with the facts. If you had been honest about your budding relationship with your lover from the beginning, it would never have developed into an affair.
You may be afraid that once your husband knows the facts about your ongoing affair, he will leave you. Quite frankly, I think he has the right to make that decision. If, faced with the facts he decides to divorce you, you lose your option to restore your relationship with your him. But you simply cannot build a relationship on lies and deception. Dishonesty will never get you to your goal of loving your husband again. So it's better to get all of the cards out on the table now and build your marriage the right way, even if there is a chance that your husband will throw in the towel before you have a chance to reconcile.
Another reason you may be reluctant to tell your husband the truth is that he might have a violent reaction to what you have done. If you are afraid of his reaction, separate from him first, and then tell him the truth in a public place or with friends who can protect you. If your husband cannot control his temper once he knows the facts, then I see no hope of saving your marriage. Honesty is so important in marriage that if the threat of violence prevents honesty, I don't believe you will ever have a good marriage.
Besides, dishonesty does not prevent violence in marriage, it encourages it. If your honesty brings out violence in your husband, your dishonesty would enrage him even more, once he discovers that you've lied to him.
If you think your husband may divorce you or become violent when you are honest with him, I encourage you to be honest anyway, before you begin your plan for reconciliation. If he cannot accept the truth, no plan of reconciliation will work.
2. Account for Your Time.
Once you have established a willingness to be completely honest with your husband, then continue to be honest with him about all of your activities. Make sure he knows about everything you do throughout the day. Give him a complete schedule of your activities, and let him know which of those activities make you most tempted to contact your former lover. Try to avoid people and places that increase your craving to be with him.
3. Spend As Much of Your Time with Your Husband as Possible.
During withdrawal, there is not much your husband can do to deposit love units into your Love Bank. But it still makes sense for you to be together as much as possible. That's because the more you are with him, the less you will be tempted to contact your lover. Try to have lunch together, talk on the telephone several times a day, and be sure to spend evenings and weekends together.
In many cases, I have suggested that a husband and wife go on a three-week vacation together during the first few weeks of withdrawal, just to help the wayward spouse avoid contacting the former lover. I tell these couples not to expect too many love units to be deposited, but by getting away from the reminders of the lover, they find that such a vacation greatly reduces the time it takes for withdrawal. Besides, the distractions of a vacation can often compensate for the depression that accompanies withdrawal, and makes the experience much less painful.
Sometimes a wayward spouse feels like getting away from everyone during withdrawal, and going on the vacation alone. But it doesn't work. It's too tempting to call the lover, and in many cases the lover ends up joining the wayward spouse.
If you go with your husband on this vacation, you will not feel like being very romantic with him. He should expect very little from you, because you will be recovering from your addiction to your lover. It's only after the craving for your lover subsides, and your depression lifts that you will be able to give your husband the opportunity to deposit all the love units it takes for you to be in love with him again.
Of course, your husband must be very careful to avoid making matters worse by saying and doing anything that would upset you. Granted, he may not be very happy about your affair, but if he wants you to love him again, he must avoid withdrawing love units at all costs. He must be with you as much as possible, yet avoid anger, disrespect and demands, which are all Love Busters. He must also be careful to take your feelings into account whenever you make decisions.
If you slip, and contact your lover in spite of the extraordinary precautions you take, tell you husband about it immediately. Then, improve your extraordinary precautions to include the condition that caused the slip. Keep improving them until it becomes virtually impossible for you to contact your lover. A slip will set you back emotionally, but it does not mean that your recovery plan has been ruined. It simply needs an upgrade.
In many cases, I have encouraged couples to relocate to a different part of the country to avoid contact with a lover. It's a good example of an extraordinary precaution upgrade, when it became apparent that contact with a lover could not be avoided when living in the same city. It goes without saying that when lovers are fellow employees, a job change is absolutely essential to marital recovery. How is total separation from a former lover possible when you work together?
You asked if you should avoid using the internet, since it reminds you of your lover, and tempts you to contact him. I'm sure you can anticipate my answer. I suggest that you stay away from the internet until you are through withdrawal, and you have restored your love to your husband again. Then, I think it would be safe for you to return to it again.
In R.J.'s case, his feelings for his wife are as bad as they have ever been. In the case of M.S.'s husband, he is suffering so much that he can no longer make love to his wife, something that had always come very easily to him in the past. What is happening to these men?
They are experiencing symptoms of withdrawal from the addiction they have to their lovers.
As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.
But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.
Withdrawal is the emotional reaction to the loss of something that gives great pleasure. It's similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. A lover is like alcohol and like a loved one. Not only do unfaithful spouses miss what it was their lovers did, meeting important emotional needs, but they also miss the person they had come to love.
Our most common emotions are anger, anxiety and depression. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include all of these in a very intense form. I usually suggest that anti-depressant medication be used to help alleviate these symptoms. While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade.
It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.
There's a sense in which M.S.'s husband was in withdrawal even before M.S. discovered Learn More! Marriage Builders<sup>ﾮ</sup>' Bookstore: Surviving An Affair "Surviving an Affair" the affair. As soon as the move was made, he became depressed, and what M.S. noticed the most was his lack of interest in sex. Depression will do that to you (and so will anti-depressant medication -- one of it's only side effects is a loss of sex drive).
If M.S.'s husband were to avoid talking to his lover for three weeks, it's likely that his sex drive would start to return, since the worst symptoms of withdrawal would probably have ended. He has a long history of sexual interest in his wife, and I guarantee that he will eventually do just fine in bed.
The problem that R.J. may soon face is that his wife's cheerful attitude will wear thin. There's no telling how much longer she can try to please him without an approving response from him. Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.
It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.
Thank you Allen for sending this info. I have seen some of it when I was on marriagebuilders.com But some was new to me as well. It would be nice to hear from a guy who had gone thru this withdrawl just to hear his take on it. My H told her it was done on April 5th this year. He says he hasn't seen her but has occasionally texted or talked to her on the phone. He says she has moved on and is dating someone, and also that she wants nothing to do with a married man. So..why the contact..it must be him that is initiating it..he as much admitted that he has called her to check and make sure she is ok as much as she has contacted him. I am hoping that it will just die a natural death if he physically stays away. But who knows. All I really know for sure is that we will never be able to move on with our relationship as long as she is still in contact with him. He did say that the longer he is apart from him the easier it has been to move on too. once again..why the contact, then? It really sucks to think that there is someone who could just walk into your life and take your husband away.
Hmmm..that would suck to have the withdrawl last a year and a half after the last contact. I would guess it depends on the person and how detached they are or become as the contact lessens or the A fizzles out. he was almost done with it when she texted him end of April. Damn her.
I did explain this to him while we were drinking wine last night. The fact that it has to start over again each time the contact starts up. he said he didn't think it was healty for any of us for him to continue contact with her. But he has said this many times before. he keeps telling me that she was just one of those people you run into that was perfect for them and they had alot in common. I said I thoguht love was a choice and that if you spent alot of time with anyone and allowed it to happen, you would develop feelings for them.
He'll figure it out..probably sooner than later. Either way, I have told him that I am standing by my man and will give him all the time he needs..good or bad..I felt he needed to know.
He said that he knows it isn't healthy to keep talking to her..for her, for me and for him. he said he is slowing coming to that realization. He said he just needs time to figure this all out. I told him that I was going to stand by my man and give him all the time he needs.
LT,
Even those that advocate "standing by your man" and "giving him all the time he needs," I believe, DON'T advocate actually telling him that he has all the time he needs.
Us humans are "path-of-least resistance" creatures. We seldom make the REALLY tough choices in our lives unless forced into some sort of crisis or credible fear of loss.
I believe in INTERNAL deadlines -- for yourself, to say "I'm giving this "x" amount of time (say, 6 months, or one year), but when you COMMUNICATE that deadline to a wayward spouse ("I'll give you until September 1st to make a decision") you then will find that they will take that as your tacit approval for their behavior, and will do what they please until August 31st, at which time they will promise you the moon and the stars if you'll only take them back.
And when you don't convey ANY deadline? Fine if you say (as I did) something like "Please hurry, as my love for you is eroding every day you do this, and I won't wait forever," rather than actually TELLING them "I'll be here for as long as it takes."
Yes, Puppy..I agree. I didn't mean to imply (and I'm sure my H took it that way too) that I would sit around forever and wait for him to get his sh## together. Life is short and I want to be happy too. I'm not real big on deadlines, internal or external. When it feels right, that's when I do whatever it is I feel I need to do. And I guess that's the key..when it feels right for me. My best friend listens so patiently and always says that when I'm ready I'll do what needs to be done..GAL, D, quit smoking... whatever it is.
ok..you guys...let me be really specific. He said "I just need some time to work thru this". I said "ok, I can do that. While this is not exaclty the living arrangement I would choose, it's not horrible either. I intend to stand by my man because I think we have something really special and can work it out. I'll just start checking into some classes, get my resume all fixed up, find a job." He said "ya, the job thing is something I need to work thru too. I hate it there." I said "ya, just like the A, the job is something you need to be done with in your own mind before you can let it go". He said "I agree. I'm pretty close to closure on both fronts."
And there were other things said too..it was about a 45 min. conversation so I can't type it all. So, even tho I didn't specifically say I'd wait til the end of time, he probably took it that way. Not sure how to rectify that at this point, but I'm not gonna worry about it. I'll just do what you've all suggested and start being my old self, only better!
I only had 2 1/2 glasses of wine but it was a strong merlot and I don't drink much. I tend to get somewhat chatty when I drink too much.
