Nothing fits

[mishka422]

You are totally right OT, I do have a responsibility to self-advocate and I'm trying.

There was some major intensity last night. Gabe got a new phone (an iphone - I'm totally jealous but his phone broke and he got a great deal so I can't be too upset) and we were working on updating his contacts and figuring the thing out. Well, he handed me the phone to see why his email wasn't coming in. I hit his contact list and low and behold who's name is there? The broom. I handed him the phone, told him I didn't know why it wasn't working and then I shut down. I stewed for about 20 minutes and then he asked what was wrong. I was rattling through my brain all these different ways of saying this without being accusatory or defensive so finally I said, "While I was working on your phone I saw that you still have Kelli's number in your contact list. I told you that if we were going to try to grow this R then you can not have any contact with her. That would include erasing her number from your phone. If you are not ready to erase her number then you aren't ready to let go of her and that is fine, but I need you to be honest with me about it." He immediately got defensive and angry and blathered on about not even talking to her anymore, he doesn't see what the big deal is, he'll erase it. I don't believe him. I told him I don't trust him on this based on past actions and I won't apologize for my feelings. He was seething and sitting with his back to me and had turned the light out so I couldn't see his face. I was afraid to bring up the whole, "call her and tell her not to contact you ever again" thing. I should have, it was a good opportunity but it was charged in there that I was afraid he might explode.

All this says to me is that he is not over her, not even close, not matter what he says. I deserve to be treated better and given more respect but I've trained him to treat me like this for 20 years. Getting anything different from him now is just impossible.

Around and around the merry-go-round. I'm tired and dizzy and I really want to get off.

How do I do that?