Everyone has given you excellent advice...please read and re-read what they have posted to you. If it is MLC, it's a very long journey of learning for both of you. His journey will take him back to his childhood where he must face the demons that stunted his emotional growth so long ago. Your journey, will take you to on road trips to places you've not been in a very long time. It's a time where you can pick up on those hobbies, schooling, etc., things that you've put on the back burner for a very long time. It's going to be a time to venture forth and try new things and meet new people. It will definitely be a time for you to rediscover YOU.
Some of the key ingredients to this crisis are patience, time, patience, compassion and an additional dose of patience. You cannot rush his crisis...his clock is extremely slow. All you can control is yourself and your finances.
BTW, we do ask that you keep to one thread so that we all can follow your story and progress.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly..thanks for your input. I have read your posts in other threads and even tho I don't know your story, I have seen good advice from you to others.
I am reading, reading, reading. when all this is said and done, I'll probably be an expert and be able to write my own book..haha. I have joked with my H about this. I am a VERY patient person..everyone tells me that. So, I guess that's good. it took me a long time to realize that I couldn't fix this. In addition to being patient, I'm also very tenatious and keep trying different ways to reach the same goal. Sometimes that's good, sometimes not..and sometimes it's just annoying.
Can you explain to me about how to post questions then? If I have a question, do I just keep adding it to my original thread in the same forum or do I post it several places to enlist the help of experts in each area? What if I'm not getting any feedback from my original thread? I'm new to this stuff.
If you want the MLC forum to respond to your questions, post them on this thread. If you want responses on other forums, you will go there to post them or link this to a new thread over there for them to review.
I would like to give you one piece of advice, do not share this site w/your h. This is your safe place to come and for others to respond to you. This is a place for you, and you alone, to come and feel comfortable talking about your situation, where you are going, etc. The same applies to any books, literature or information that you obtain....keep it to yourself for now. You are playing a very sensitive and unusual card game that requires you to keep your cards close to the vest and do not reveal them to your spouse.
P.S. My story is no different than any that you read here. They all sound similiar, and yet, are very different because of the personalities and childhood issues that the MLCer must face and how they deal w/those issues.
Your H knows about this place? If he does...ack! If he doesn't keep it that way. This place is fror and if you think that showing him the Divorce Busting book or telling him about htis place will be a lightbulb momnet that breaks him from his spell...you are wrong.
Keep this place for you, and a secret just...for...you. The spouse will almost always see this place as a palce of tricks and tactics used to get/win them back and really F them...this place is for you. You get the secret knock and handshake and everything.
Quote:
Can you explain to me about how to post questions then?
Post them here, you can hit the reply button and even change the Subject line.
You'll develop a group of people who tend to follow you along, and as some people become familair with you and vice a vesra you'll develop friendships and post on their threads.
Each area... heh...
Different areas...different advice. Plain and simple and not all of it works well together. Puppy is right though it is up to you to decide not anyone here to tell you if your husband is in MLC. check the resources that Pilot has put out for you. It aint an easy ride.
Quote:
What if I'm not getting any feedback from my original thread?
I thought you said you are a VERY patient person?
People will respond...the clue is: You get what you give around here, it is the coin of the realm.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack, my husband keeps telling me that guys are visual and he, in particular, has a real aversion to overweightness. But when I told my C that, he said not to kid myself that women are visual too. He asked me which I would prefer..a really ripped good looking guy with lots of thick wavy hair..or a bald guy that was all flabby and out of shape. of course if I had a choice (which I do) I would PREFER the ripped guy. Maybe what you mean is that women can be a bit more forgiving when it comes to looks than men are. they tend to focus a little bit more on the inner person. Generaly speaking. Doesn't matter anyway. What it boils down to is that we should never let ourselves go..it's not good for your self esteem or your health.
I love Robin Williams, but your quote went right over my head. Sorry. Like I said to someone else, my brain is mush these days. it's coming back tho..slowly but surely. As for the boundry thing...you're right..I am not prepared to give any kind of ultimatum because I want this to work. And I'm afraid of what will happen to me if it doesn't. I know I'll be ok, that's not it..just the hoops I'll have to jump thru to get there aren't that appealing to me right now. I think my C feels that I should tell him to give her up totally or get out and get divorced. it is my belief that he thinks it will shock him into reality. I'm just not prepared to take that chance. What, if in his altered state, he takes me up on it and then regrets it later. I don't want to go there yet. I'm sure some of my friends feel the same way..however, that is why I was wondering about the OP withdrawl. I keep reading that when a person gives up the affair person, they go thru the withdrawl..and according to my H, that is what is happening. So..how can I learn more about that? I sound like the MLCer, don't I? and I don't know how to pull out indiv quotes like you did to answer specific things.
I had started a reply to this post that you sent, Jack and I don't know what happened to it. Anyway, i just wanted to let you know that you really cracked me up with your reply..the comment "your H knows about this place..Ack!!" was hilarious and it literally made me laugh out loud. I haven't done enough of that lately..so thanks for that.
And yes, he does know about this place. I thought it would be good for him to know what he was dealing with so I sent him the link to the archived post "MLC for Dummies". he is an intelligent and sensitive man. I thought it might help. didn't think he might spy on me..didn't think I would actually post here, didn't think. Oh well..I'm sure he could pick out our story, but that's ok. I haven't lied or anything. I'll just be more careful. He's so busy, I'm sure a MLC forum is the last place he'd like to be hanging out in.
And..I am very patient..I was just wondering what the protocol is if you aren't getting any responses.
the crap you want to quote. Ital replace quote with i. Bold replace quote with b.
[ / quote ] all in one line
Taylor.
Why don't you read some and figure out if you think he is in MLC, IF he is in MLC...or rather you believe he is in MLC you plan for the long haul and certain things as...abhorrent as they may be...you get used to the idea...or numb.
As for your C...they should be working for you, not living vicariously through you.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
