....Out of nowhere she tells me I can date, but she doesn't want to know, doesn't want the kids to meet them, and for me to not have sex until the D is final.
She also said to make sure that if i date, to do it on the weekends she has the kids so that she doesn't run into me. She said she would be jealous, but she didn't want to dictate what I do.
Listen I'm going to say it again just because you like to not hear this at all. She's telling you it's ok for you to date because she has someone in mind already, possibly someone she is dating already that you don't know about.
Do you see how she says it's ok for you to date, she is giving you permission so that she doesn't feel so guilty about what she's doing because she does feel guilty about the secrets she's keeping, the sneaking around, the lying, etc.
My answer would have been "OK, sounds good to me, I think it's a pretty good idea", agree with her 110% and then do it. Don't keep it a secret either, move on, let her go, date other women and then see what happens.
Just because you don't know about the guy she's been seeing/interested in doesn't mean he doesn't exist.
You've been warned.
One thing I'll add is her giving you permission to date and when you can you date (only on weekends, etc.), think about the mindset involved at this point, look at the amount of control she exerts over you: - you are allowed to date, she is giving you permission - if you date, you are only allowed to date on the weekends - she is telling you when you guys can sell the house - she started the d process - she didn't close the door on your marriage but didn't open the door either, the decision is up to her, you have no control in any of this
I will give you some props, you told her that she had to move, you won't be house swapping, she needs to live without your security blanket, you moving on, detaching and dating other women will show her you're for real.
"She isn't ready" for you to live together, again this is her running the show.
Your position should probably be: "I'm not sure about us anymore, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, you giving me permission to date other women only gives me insight into our current relationship problems, if you're willing to entertain the possibility of sharing me with other women, maybe it's safe to assume you've started dating other men, why would anyone give their spouse permission to date other people? I hope you're happy with whoever this person is, you should be with him, I won't stand in your way anymore. Good luck with him."
Smile and walk away and do just that, move on, detach, let go of her, date other women, she's been in control for so long, what happens to her when you actually take her up on the offer and find a great woman who actually wants to be with you, guess what, she loses control of you and the situation she's created and that's when this dynamic changes.
