And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

Grit,

I seem to be having trouble really articulating my thoughts today so bear with me ...

I appreciate the tough questions, I really do. It's what has helped me so far and what will continue to help me as I push deeper and deeper into me ...

I love H. I do. And our interactions over the last few weeks/month have really illuminated for me that there is real potential for us to end up friends when all is said and done. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what he has said to me in regards to who I was, who he was ... who we were together, how we got together, why we were together. I've spent a lot time getting to a place where I understand what happened and how. I've thought alot about conversations we've had over the years about the personal stuff that H has never dealt with ... the differences in our personalities ... our strengths and weaknesses.

I've spent a LOT of time thinking about what my next R would look like ... whether it was H or someone else was irrelevant to the thought process. My next R will be with a partner. A man who knows himself, trusts himself, loves himself, owns his success and accepts his failures and shortcomings as part of who he really is. A man who can challenge me without losing himself. A man who knows his own truth and faces his own insecurities and fears because they are his. A man who takes responsibility for his emotions, his choices, his happiness, his life. A man who will also accept my strengths and weaknesses, who will love me, not in spite of them, but because they are a part of the total package. Love, for me, in my next R, will be mutual, respectful, and mature. It will be based on truth and understanding.

When H dropped the bomb I was blindsided and dumbfounded. Why? I asked myself. Things hadn't been good for huge parts of our M. I wasn't happy. I knew H wasn't happy. Why didn't I see it coming? What I've come to discover is that I was blindsided because I never thought he'd actually do it. I never thought he'd actually leave.

I saw the first signs of MLC 3 years ago when I found inappropriate emails between H and my ... ready for it ... 15 yr old cousin who babysat for us alot. I almost left then. I thought all kinds of things and even said some of them. I called him disgusting. When I calmed down we talked and he told me it was an ego booster ... that it was just good for his self esteem to feel like a PYT found him attractive. I believed him. I still do. He entered our M with a broken self esteem and little strength, hidden behind a cocky persona. He came off as strong and self assured. I contributed to the dynamic which made self growth nearly impossible. I fixed, enabled and controlled as much as I could. H is a good guy, but he's a guy that always takes the path of least resistence. Always. And that my friends is the crux of it. Am I looking at him with critical eyes? I actually think for the first time, I've taken the critical out of it. I'm not judging him or his ways, he is who he is and he has every right to be that person - and I have every right to need/want something different than what he brings to the table - as does he. I now see him with clear eyes, he's a wonderful, loving person with a lot to offer someone. I love him unconditionally ... it's why I can finally let go and honestly wish him well on his journey ... but I am not IN love with him unconditionally. My partner will have to be strong enough to stand on his own two feet and do the hard work sometimes.

Adversity: a state of hardship; a calamitous event. My friend, my light has been shining bright in the face of adversity ... it's why I have no regrets. I've taken the high road, honoured the process and come to really respect his decisions and choices. Does it mean that I think it had to be this way? No. Do I think WE could have made it work? Yes. But I think that work would have had to start a long time ago ...

I started my journey a long time ago. I've been searching for something for a long time and last fall I found a group of friends and work associates who were really into personal growth (from a business perspective). That lit the pilot light. Then the bomb dropped and shortly thereafter I found DB ... and whoosh!! on came the gas!!!

I now know what I was looking for all along ... ME.

And I've found her.