Thanks to all of you for your replies. I will try to explain my story as shortly as possible. I like to write, so at times, I get a little carried away.
I have been married to the most wonderful man in the world for 19 years. Second marriage for both of us. We have kids, but not together. They are all grown up and live on their own. About 2 years ago, my H had some problems with his job, thought he was going to be fired, then his sister passed away and it woke him up I guess. His father had passed away a year or so earlier. His affair started shortly after his sister passed away. The OP was a coworker. I knew something was wrong because he stopped being intimate with me. When I asked him about it, he told me that he was going thru some sort of midlife thing and I said I would just give him some space and let him figure it out. I didn't realize he was having sex with another woman. Honestly, it never even entered my mind that this wonderful man would ever do something like that to me. I started to get suspicious when he began spending lots of weekends away. So, last fall I asekd him if he was seeing someone else. And he told me yes. He thought he loved her. I was a basket case. Crying, panic attacks, begging, pleading, letters, emails, texts. I did all the things you guys say not to do.
After reading lots of marriage books, going to counseling, talking with friends and getting on anti-anxiety meds, I have finally calmed down to the point where I can talk to him without doing these things so much. He moved out (not w/her) the end of December 2009 and then back in Feb then out again first part of March, then back in in April. He tells me he broke it off with OP Easter wkend, and that she has moved on and is dating other guys. She had moved to another state the day he told me about the A. He has said that they still text or talk on the phone occasionally, but that he hasn't seen her since Easter wkend. He was VERY resentful when he moved back after breaking it off, saying he thought he moved back for the wrong reasons and feeling like he'd given up the love of his life and eternal happiness because he didn't want to leave me with nothing. I need some help with the OP withdrawal stuff too. Not sure how long that lasts or what's involved with that. Things have gotten better since then, and we laugh and talk now. No intimacy, kissing, touching. He travels with his job 3-4 days a week so typically I only see him on the wkends and friday night, monday night. He used to call me when he was away, but doesn't anymore.
From all that I've read, he is definately in MLC, just not sure which stage. I know he loves me and feel that we can work thru this, but sometimes I get so confused and down, blame myself. I have finally gotten over the "need to fix everything" stage and am trying to GAL. I still see our C once a week, but he stopped going. We went to 2 sessions together. In one of my more "enlightened" moments, I sent him the link to the post "MLC for Dummies" on this forum, thinking I was helping him but not realizing that he could follow my posts if he so desired. So he may see this story and know it's ours. Really, I don't care,I just need some help.
These past 8 months have been the worst days of my life. Actually it started to get bad a year and 5 months ago, but after he told me about her, it just turned into something like a bad dream..me thinking I'd wake up any minute now. I have a great support team. 3 close friends and my C. The kids and his mom know about the A. We have forgiven him and I just want to figure out how not to have it happen again..but it doesn't seem like he's ready to work on the marriage just yet. Actually he told me a few weeks ago that he's not sure he wants to stay. It's like he's waiting for something..me to lose weight, him to find someone else, the OP to move back and be with him, me to get a job, not sure what.
I know you guys recommend going on with life like he doesn't exist, but to do that I would need to sell our house and move from here which means D. I don't want to do that unless there are no other alternatives. We don't know anyone in this town and only moved here because of his job. All of our family is many hours away.
Sorry this is so dang long. I haven't even touched on some of the stuff, but maybe it will come out as I post. I keep hoping that we will both come out of this better people than ever and with a marriage that is what we've always dreamt of. But sometimes it feels so hopeless. Other times it feels like we might have a chance. Not if he's still waiting for her tho. And she is so homely and manly acting..not his type at all. Weird.
