And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

Grit,

A couple of observations:

In the stages of LBS.

There is a stage called "Temptation in the face of complete rejection."

This is where you have been working so hard on this and you are not seeing results and then are tempted to chuck it.

Probably looks like this is where I'm at ... but this isn't it for me. For me, that would involve some anger, resentment, dispair ... something like that ... I've got PEACE.

Let me say I am not trying to convince you what to do with your M. It is your choice and only you can ultimately decide what is right for you.

I know

If your H is MLC it WILL take a long time for you to see anything you begin to like.

Actually, I see lots I like ... we get along really well ... as friends. He has a long journey ahead of him, he really does, and it's his journey and I wish him well. And to be honest, although there are lots of MLC signs, I really get the feeling that he was more WAH ... and 'in the end, it doesn't really matter' (nickle Linkin Park). It was what it was. And it was 15 years of love and friendship, punctuated by a very damaging dynamic created by two immature and skill-less (is that a word??) individuals. For lots of it, we had a great time, we brought 3 beautiful kids into this world ... no regrets. Not from me

As Mach said to me, just think how much effort and time it took for you to come to the place you are at now...

Absolutely fair ... and to be honest, this path was something I started before I found the boards, it was haphazard and unintentional ... but I've been seeking peace for a long time.

Are you saying you want to get a D?

I am not in love with my H. I now know enough about who we were and who I am to know that there is no going back for me. I am only going forward. Do I want a D? If I'm honest, really honest ... then I guess my answer is that I am ready ...

I've been here for several months, and I know a lot of you are looking at my 'registered' date and thinking WTF ... she just got here? Doesn't she know MLC is for the long haul ...

I do know this. And I know that I intend to support him as a friend and as the mother of his children as he takes this journey. We are very different people now.

Are you saying you are going to live your life?...

Because that is what you should be doing regardless.

I couldn't agree more!

These things did not happen overnight and they will not be rectified or reconciled overnight.

Just something to think about...

and only my humble opinion.

Thank you Grit, really. Without the tough questions we can falsely believe we are healing or growing or moving forward ... I welcome the tough stuff, it's how I propel myself forward, how I challenge myself to go deep and really look for answers.

... humble ... really? you?

Peace
PEI

[Truegritter]

... humble ... really? you?

Oooh that stung ...

I need to look at that.

[Mach1]

You know ... I don't feel like I'm struggling with "am I really living it" ... I have so much PEACE inside me right now ... what I do struggle with is having him GET it - and by 'it' I mean 'me being done'. And I know I can't control that so I'm letting it go ...

PEI,

This bothers me a little actually...

I once had a wise DBer tell me that , If their interactions still invoked anger in any way, then you are not truly done yet.

And if , you can deal with their MLC spew with the same emotion as you walk to the mailbox with, then maybe you are done,

I still see that emotion with you, and that is not a bad thing.

What bothers me , and it isn't just with you lately, is that you feel that you have to be one or the other right now.

Living your life, and just rebuilding YOU ,should be a process for you.

Nobody else is privy right now to that.

And by having him "get it" puts that focus right back on him for now.

And it kinda seems that it is solely for the purpose of him "getting it".

I know you said you are dropping the rope, I also see that you have to remind yourself of that too...

The rebuilding of trust is one of the hardest things you will encounter through this....

And that starts with the rebuilding of trust within yourself too.

Right now, you don't trust yourself that your changes are real, why should he ?

The only way to start trusting again is through repetitive actions, whether with yourself or with someone else....

Start with trusting yourself PEI...


Healing is an intensely private thing among all of us. More so on these boards, but just as intense none-the-less.

There is nothing wrong on concentrating on that for now without him having to see that in you.

Those would be your actions....


And I see some contradiction between your words and actions because of that lack of trust within yourself

[PEI]

Hey Mach ...

Apparently my ramblings today are not coming across as I intend them ... let me try to clarify a bit ...

When I say I want him to 'get it' ... what I'm really hoping for is for him to not fight me on leaving the house. I don't want this to be a contentious, angry experience ... I hope he feels relief and freedom ... ultimately, what he feels is his business and his problem, I can't control it.

Right now, you don't trust yourself that your changes are real, why should he ?

Actually, I'm pretty solid in my belief about my changes. I see them in my interactions with others, I roll them around in my head at night ... I've been tested by circumstance and then retroactively considered the ease with which the 'new' me responded. I'm studying me, learning about me, growing. He may never see the changes ... it doesn't matter, they are not for him.

What bothers me , and it isn't just with you lately, is that you feel that you have to be one or the other right now.

Can you expand on this for me ....

[Mach1]

When I say I want him to 'get it' ... what I'm really hoping for is for him to not fight me on leaving the house. I don't want this to be a contentious, angry experience ... I hope he feels relief and freedom ... ultimately, what he feels is his business and his problem, I can't control it.

Those are your wants and hopes right now, and they are FOR him to do what YOU want....Right ?

That is a razor sharp line to walk without it actually becoming controlling though.....don'tcha think ?

Can you expand on this for me ....

There is a line that we all walk, and we can falter to either side at any time.

There have been grumblings on being "done" and yet focus on the MLCer has lead to a lack of consolidation between the head and the heart.

Like there has to be a label put on it to justify the LBS's actions for taking that step forward.

Moving forward doesn't mean moving on by any means....the ONLY thing they share is the word "moving" as a precursor to the action.

Moving forward means to kinda write off the situation...

Moving on kinda means to write off the person...

There is a difference with that...

Moving forward is essential...

While Moving on is more of a state of mind rather than an action...


Be sure of your footing to where YOU want to stand in all of this...

And I know your head say this....but your heart says something way different,at least what I read does....


Capiche ?

[PEI]

I guess there is some truth to me wanting him to do what I want, in that I want this to not be ugly ... is that controlling? I don't think so, but I'll spend some time on it ... really looking at it.

I guess what I'm saying is that I AM sure of my footing. I'm moving forward for me ... and moving on too. My heart will always love him, he's the father of my kids and was my 'best friend' for years ... but we're different people now, and I've made peace with that. I wish him well. I really do ...

My heart is filled with compassion, peace and love ... for life, for myself, for possibility, for opportunity ...

[Truegritter]

I am not in love with my H. I now know enough about who we were and who I am to know that there is no going back for me. I am only going forward.

How do you know you are not in love with H?

What does that look like to you?

When he dropped the bomb what did that sound like? From H?

My heart will always love him, he's the father of my kids and was my 'best friend' for years ... but we're different people now, and I've made peace with that. I wish him well. I really do ...

And your next R? Is this how love ends?

PEI I am asking tough questions because I have asked myself these questions.

I have been where you are almost exactly a month ago.

When we "wake up" we start to look at everything with new eyes...

We question everything because we can stand on our own.

We no longer NEED the answers from our spouse.

We have our own.

AND

If you read my piece on standing and that process...

We start to look at our spouse with critical eyes.

For me? That was saying to myself "what is the upside here?"

Mach said to me "do you want to die on this hill?"

Really?

Do I?

What does that mean?

There is more to the miracle PEI believe me.

There is.

There is more to learn about YOU.

There is more to learn about what love is.

These things

My heart is filled with compassion, peace and love ... for life, for myself, for possibility, for opportunity ...

Are your truth...

Do they apply only to you? And what you want?

Can your light shine on in the face of adversity?

In the shadow of doubt?

[DaddyLongShanks]

I am not in love with my H. I now know enough about who we were and who I am to know that there is no going back for me. I am only going forward.

How do you know you are not in love with H?

What does that look like to you?

When he dropped the bomb what did that sound like? From H?

My heart will always love him, he's the father of my kids and was my 'best friend' for years ... but we're different people now, and I've made peace with that. I wish him well. I really do ...

And your next R? Is this how love ends?

PEI I am asking tough questions because I have asked myself these questions.

I have been where you are almost exactly a month ago.

When we "wake up" we start to look at everything with new eyes...

We question everything because we can stand on our own.

We no longer NEED the answers from our spouse.

We have our own.

AND

If you read my piece on standing and that process...

We start to look at our spouse with critical eyes.

For me? That was saying to myself "what is the upside here?"

Mach said to me "do you want to die on this hill?"

Really?

Do I?

What does that mean?

There is more to the miracle PEI believe me.

There is.

There is more to learn about YOU.

There is more to learn about what love is.

These things

My heart is filled with compassion, peace and love ... for life, for myself, for possibility, for opportunity ...

Are your truth...

Do they apply only to you? And what you want?

Can your light shine on in the face of adversity?

In the shadow of doubt?

Sometimes you don't "feel" anything, and you just do what you are supposed to do. You will have faith that things will get better, and with cooperation THEY WILL.

[PEI]

Grit,

I seem to be having trouble really articulating my thoughts today so bear with me ...

I appreciate the tough questions, I really do. It's what has helped me so far and what will continue to help me as I push deeper and deeper into me ...

I love H. I do. And our interactions over the last few weeks/month have really illuminated for me that there is real potential for us to end up friends when all is said and done. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what he has said to me in regards to who I was, who he was ... who we were together, how we got together, why we were together. I've spent a lot time getting to a place where I understand what happened and how. I've thought alot about conversations we've had over the years about the personal stuff that H has never dealt with ... the differences in our personalities ... our strengths and weaknesses.

I've spent a LOT of time thinking about what my next R would look like ... whether it was H or someone else was irrelevant to the thought process. My next R will be with a partner. A man who knows himself, trusts himself, loves himself, owns his success and accepts his failures and shortcomings as part of who he really is. A man who can challenge me without losing himself. A man who knows his own truth and faces his own insecurities and fears because they are his. A man who takes responsibility for his emotions, his choices, his happiness, his life. A man who will also accept my strengths and weaknesses, who will love me, not in spite of them, but because they are a part of the total package. Love, for me, in my next R, will be mutual, respectful, and mature. It will be based on truth and understanding.

When H dropped the bomb I was blindsided and dumbfounded. Why? I asked myself. Things hadn't been good for huge parts of our M. I wasn't happy. I knew H wasn't happy. Why didn't I see it coming? What I've come to discover is that I was blindsided because I never thought he'd actually do it. I never thought he'd actually leave.

I saw the first signs of MLC 3 years ago when I found inappropriate emails between H and my ... ready for it ... 15 yr old cousin who babysat for us alot. I almost left then. I thought all kinds of things and even said some of them. I called him disgusting. When I calmed down we talked and he told me it was an ego booster ... that it was just good for his self esteem to feel like a PYT found him attractive. I believed him. I still do. He entered our M with a broken self esteem and little strength, hidden behind a cocky persona. He came off as strong and self assured. I contributed to the dynamic which made self growth nearly impossible. I fixed, enabled and controlled as much as I could. H is a good guy, but he's a guy that always takes the path of least resistence. Always. And that my friends is the crux of it. Am I looking at him with critical eyes? I actually think for the first time, I've taken the critical out of it. I'm not judging him or his ways, he is who he is and he has every right to be that person - and I have every right to need/want something different than what he brings to the table - as does he. I now see him with clear eyes, he's a wonderful, loving person with a lot to offer someone. I love him unconditionally ... it's why I can finally let go and honestly wish him well on his journey ... but I am not IN love with him unconditionally. My partner will have to be strong enough to stand on his own two feet and do the hard work sometimes.

Adversity: a state of hardship; a calamitous event. My friend, my light has been shining bright in the face of adversity ... it's why I have no regrets. I've taken the high road, honoured the process and come to really respect his decisions and choices. Does it mean that I think it had to be this way? No. Do I think WE could have made it work? Yes. But I think that work would have had to start a long time ago ...

I started my journey a long time ago. I've been searching for something for a long time and last fall I found a group of friends and work associates who were really into personal growth (from a business perspective). That lit the pilot light. Then the bomb dropped and shortly thereafter I found DB ... and whoosh!! on came the gas!!!

I now know what I was looking for all along ... ME.

And I've found her.

[ericmsant2]

I now know what I was looking for all along ... ME.

F'in A! Well said PEI..

I can sit here and pick this apart.. I can but I am not. I do have one simple question for you ....would anything I say really matter to you at this point? Answer that one - girly (picture a rican dude in a pink tutu asking - sorry I had too...lmao)

Eric