Hello everyone. I'm new here, actually new to forums in general. I don't know all the abbreviations yet, so please bear with me. I have been hanging around reading stuff for the past several weeks and finally feel ready to post my sitch and ask questions/advice, but am not sure where to start---here or the newcomers section. I think my H is going thru a midlife crisis and has had an affair with a co-worker. My life is a mess right now, better than it was 8 months ago, but still a mess. Can anyone help?
Hey sweetie! We're not pros ... but if anyone can help you it's the people on these boards. Old Pilot will be along with a list of resources ... start there so you can get familiar with MLC ... and ...
Tell us your story ... (you'll learn that I have a rep for being long winded) don't be shy, let us get to know YOU. That's the focus here ... YOU and your wellbeing.
Welcome to the best worst place to be (nickle J3B) ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
It is up to you to decide where to post and the advice you get will be somewhat different depending on the board you are on. If you think it is MLC then post here.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your W has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Sorry you are here...post your sitch so that we can get a better sense of what is going on.
Know this...you are not alone.
Please read the links that OP sent.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Welcome to the MLC board. Go ahead and post your background info and ask all the questions that come to mind. As PEI mentioned, we're not pros, but we'll do the best we can with what you give us.
Let us know what your ages are, how long you've been married, children and what led you to believe your H is going through a MLC.
It's a great group of folks who are here, and if you're going through this there's no better place to be.
Thanks to all of you for your replies. I will try to explain my story as shortly as possible. I like to write, so at times, I get a little carried away.
I have been married to the most wonderful man in the world for 19 years. Second marriage for both of us. We have kids, but not together. They are all grown up and live on their own. About 2 years ago, my H had some problems with his job, thought he was going to be fired, then his sister passed away and it woke him up I guess. His father had passed away a year or so earlier. His affair started shortly after his sister passed away. The OP was a coworker. I knew something was wrong because he stopped being intimate with me. When I asked him about it, he told me that he was going thru some sort of midlife thing and I said I would just give him some space and let him figure it out. I didn't realize he was having sex with another woman. Honestly, it never even entered my mind that this wonderful man would ever do something like that to me. I started to get suspicious when he began spending lots of weekends away. So, last fall I asekd him if he was seeing someone else. And he told me yes. He thought he loved her. I was a basket case. Crying, panic attacks, begging, pleading, letters, emails, texts. I did all the things you guys say not to do.
After reading lots of marriage books, going to counseling, talking with friends and getting on anti-anxiety meds, I have finally calmed down to the point where I can talk to him without doing these things so much. He moved out (not w/her) the end of December 2009 and then back in Feb then out again first part of March, then back in in April. He tells me he broke it off with OP Easter wkend, and that she has moved on and is dating other guys. She had moved to another state the day he told me about the A. He has said that they still text or talk on the phone occasionally, but that he hasn't seen her since Easter wkend. He was VERY resentful when he moved back after breaking it off, saying he thought he moved back for the wrong reasons and feeling like he'd given up the love of his life and eternal happiness because he didn't want to leave me with nothing. I need some help with the OP withdrawal stuff too. Not sure how long that lasts or what's involved with that. Things have gotten better since then, and we laugh and talk now. No intimacy, kissing, touching. He travels with his job 3-4 days a week so typically I only see him on the wkends and friday night, monday night. He used to call me when he was away, but doesn't anymore.
From all that I've read, he is definately in MLC, just not sure which stage. I know he loves me and feel that we can work thru this, but sometimes I get so confused and down, blame myself. I have finally gotten over the "need to fix everything" stage and am trying to GAL. I still see our C once a week, but he stopped going. We went to 2 sessions together. In one of my more "enlightened" moments, I sent him the link to the post "MLC for Dummies" on this forum, thinking I was helping him but not realizing that he could follow my posts if he so desired. So he may see this story and know it's ours. Really, I don't care,I just need some help.
These past 8 months have been the worst days of my life. Actually it started to get bad a year and 5 months ago, but after he told me about her, it just turned into something like a bad dream..me thinking I'd wake up any minute now. I have a great support team. 3 close friends and my C. The kids and his mom know about the A. We have forgiven him and I just want to figure out how not to have it happen again..but it doesn't seem like he's ready to work on the marriage just yet. Actually he told me a few weeks ago that he's not sure he wants to stay. It's like he's waiting for something..me to lose weight, him to find someone else, the OP to move back and be with him, me to get a job, not sure what.
I know you guys recommend going on with life like he doesn't exist, but to do that I would need to sell our house and move from here which means D. I don't want to do that unless there are no other alternatives. We don't know anyone in this town and only moved here because of his job. All of our family is many hours away.
Sorry this is so dang long. I haven't even touched on some of the stuff, but maybe it will come out as I post. I keep hoping that we will both come out of this better people than ever and with a marriage that is what we've always dreamt of. But sometimes it feels so hopeless. Other times it feels like we might have a chance. Not if he's still waiting for her tho. And she is so homely and manly acting..not his type at all. Weird.
seeking answers: I am 53, he is 47. The reasons I think he is in MLC is because of the "I love you, but not IN love with you" speech, says he hasn't been happy for many years, says I'm controlling him, that everyone is controlling him, absolute opposite personality change, one day he says this, the next day he says the total opposite. Can't remember things he's said and done, in a fog. Says he has taken care of eveyone else and now it's time to make himself happy. That's all he wants is to be happy..but says he isn't sure what that means. Started an exercise/diet program (and looks darn good,I might add). The deaths of his close family members..4 of them in 5 years. Job he hates. Very bitter and angry, about life in general. Says he wasted the last 20 years of his life. Wants more kids. Those are just some of the things off the top of my head.
One rule is that, if it looks like a skunk, and smells like a skunk, then it probably is a skunk.
It seems to be MLC, but I only have what you have typed to reference that.
First off, there are no guarantees that your marriage will be saved here..
Secondly, you need to relax and breathe for now, in MLC...NOTHING happens quickly.
Thirdly, You need to take this time to find out who you are and what you want in life , a life that may not include your current spouse. Picture that, and encapsulate that aspect in your everyday living now, for you.
MLC is hard schidt. One would never want to trade places in that.
MLCers are confused, and they are grasping for almost anything that can help them not spin into that vortex thatis destroying them emotionally.
It is a depression, one that is fed off of many things. No two MLCers are the same, although they all have very similar characteristics about them.
My advice for you would be to read and absorb the resources, and understand what it is that you are dealing with...
Then , I would protect myself financially. Men in MLC have a bit of a tendency to spend massive amounts of money on toys to feed their depression.
Read and ask questions.....others will be along to help as well...
What are some things that YOU could do for you, and some things that you could have done differently throughout your marriage ?
What were his complaints ?
It is said that you shouldn't believe anything they say right now...
But the complaints, and things he has accused of being, well, the rule is...
If it stings, then there is probably some truth to those things...
Well..he says he broke it off with OW this past April, but he admits to having occasional contact with her via text, and phone calls. Just to make sure she's doing ok, of course. He says she has moved on, doesn't want anything to do with a married man and is dating other people. He is very secretive with his phone,and work computer. We had a discussion about it yesterdy and he said he didn't want me looking at them in case she happened to call or email, he says he has enough anguish in his life. I told him it was sad that his wife couldn't play Brickbreaker on his phone because he was worried his girlfriend might call. Told him it was one of those "what's wrong with this picture" scenarios. We had an incident at the grocery store yesterday. It seems like everywhere we go, he just has to gawk at other women. There was a gal in the grocery store with a nice bod, but ugly and slutty looking..he did the eye play thing with her and even followed her into the cash register line. I moved the cart to another line but he continued to stare at her across the way. I couldn't stand it, shoved his shoulder and left the store telling him that he picks the ugliest sluttiest women to sit and gawk at. When he came to the car, he denied flirting with her..saying that it was his fault that I am so paranoid about other women because of the A. And he says he looks at everyone, men and women--which is true. I explained the difference between looking and looking with purpose. It's like he needs the validation from other women to feel attractive, wanted. Even tho I tell him all the time how good he looks, what a great guy he is, etc. Obviously I'm not enough.
We are living together, after his moving out, back, out and back. We have had separate bedrooms for 10 years..we chose to have it this way..we had sleeping issues..snoring, restless leg syndrome, etc. It never hampered our sex life, just gave us both a good nights sleep.
He is very conscientious about spending..cares about his credit score. I am more of a spender than he is. We have online banking so we can see exactly what each other is spending on any given day.I haven't worked for 5 years.It was his idea for me to retire and just enjoy life. Now he says he doesn't remember saying that. What? We had many many discussions about it. Anyway, I'm looking for a job currently.
I read "A Woman's Guide to changing your man, without his knowing it" and loved it. That's how I found this place. I was looking for ideas for the 180.
I have been much better since being on the anti anxiety drugs. More calm, more even keeled, less panic and crying. I know I can make it on my own..I just don't want to. He is the love of my life and I want to work it out.
