And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

Thanks missher ....

What a view from up here!

I was warned by J3B, so I will pass it along as I had a gentle reminder. Beware of feeling superior to your H, I think it is a natural tendency given our journey of self discovery. Our MLCer spouses are on a journey of self discovery also, difference is that their path can be more destructive but they are learning also.

Actually it has nothing to do with superiority (although I can see why it came across that way) ... it was a reference to the Miley Cyrus song "the climb" ...

...and I will explain my positon to him if he asks but this is non-negotiable for me at this point. I am not in love with the man H is. The old me loved me the old him, and fear and insecurity were the ties that bound for a long time ... but no more.

I started reading “How to improve your marriage without talking about it”, so I understand what you are saying here. I am only 35 pages in but if the book ends anything like the title implies…..telling him these things is not going to help. Grit is right again…..tell us not your H.

I LOVE this book ... and I think I clarified the whole WANT to say, vs WILL say in my response to Grit ...

This is basically what I want to say to H when we are at the MC next week ...

I know you want to say something to your H in hopes that he will wake up and take his head out of his ass. I made this mistake back in January and it totally backfired on me. If you go into that MC session and say these things you will feel better momentarily but then you will “expect” your H to start to take to heart the things you said and start changing or that he will go “Wow she has grown so much, WTF was I thinking”. When he doesn’t do these things you will be in a bad place and you will realize that it was a big step backwards for your R with your H and more importantly a step backwards for you.

Actually, missher, at this point I honestly have no interest in saying something to help him take his head out of his ass It's his ass he can leave his head there as long as he likes I really just want to convey, and yes, I'll do this through my actions instead of my words, that I have "dropped the rope" ... I'm moving forward for me ... this is no longer about him for me ...

PEI, sorry this is turning into a 2x4, but if you have an opportunity to get your H into MC don’t you want it to be an opportunity for him to share his feelings in a “safe” environment? This is an opportunity to learn something about him and to validate his feelings. He is not in a place to hear, nor care about where you are at on your journey or your feelings. If he really cared he would not be doing the things he is doing, remember it is all about him.

Thanks again missher, I actually want to use this appointment as a chance to have a mediator for what I expect could me a contensious conversation about me moving back to the house and him finally getting what he said he wanted all along ... his independance. I expect he'll get angry and accuse me of trying to control his life again, blah, blah, blah ... I'm not. I am ready to stop walking on eggshells and take back control of MY life. I am ready to live and breathe ... I feel like I was holding my breath for months ....

I know you thought about what you wrote and you genuinely feel them and as a friend I applaud you and I also am glad you are growing as an individual who is self aware of who she is at her core. This is such a big step in your life and it is natural to want to share it with the person that you chose to be your life partner so no one is going to fault you for wanting to do that. Right now he is not ready to hear these things.

I guess I want to share it with him so he can feel free ... not because I want a pat on the back or recognition for what I've accomplished - I know how far I've come AND how far I still have to go ... growth is now a life long journey for me ...

I know he's not in a place to hear it ...

Keep moving forward.

You betcha!

Peace
PEI