1. You send him a note before hand explaining your position. Do NOT wait for him to try to contact you 2. Change your email address and cell number 3. Until email and cell is changed you keep a freidn with you at all times and give THEM your phone 4. No contact must be BOTH WAYS.. If you are still reading his messages you aren't going dark... you are just leaving an IMPRESSION of going dark... you have to cut contact off both sides.. remove his number from your cell phone, his email from your address book, etc 4. Keep a freind with you at all times, who is in the loop on your efforts.. share with them when you feel the urge to call so they stop you 5. Have a friend stay with you for a couple weeks to run interference if your H decides to come by and force his presence on you 6. Setup an auto reply on the email account if he emails telling him you no longer read mail sent to that address 7. Have his phone number auto bounce him to an automated message saying his calls are not welcome 8. he will still try to call from another number... so have a friend screen all yoru email and your phone calls for you
I decided that, morally, I was only comfortable with this after my wife and I had agreed to separate, and only if I told her of my intention to date other people.e
It worked very, VERY well. Powerful stuff (sadly).
Puppy
What was powerful - telling her you were going to date, or actually dating?
My WH told me the day we separated that he "Wouldn't be jealous to see me with another guy." Yet the few times we've socialized together since then, every time I talk to any guy, WH appears at my side. Guess he forgot he "wouldn't be jealous," lol!
When a spouse is wayward, most of the talk you hear from them is them talking to themselves rather than anyone else... Waywards get so selfish all their outer dialog is actually targeted for themselves
"It's over" "I don't feel anything anymore" "Our marriage is a failure" "I wont' care if you date someone else"
etc...
He's not talking to you SR, he's talking to himself trying to CONVINCE himself of something he does NOT believe... you can hear the voice of reason screaming inside of them when they say garbage like this... They feel it drumming on their conscience and they have to VOICE the opposition to drown it out...
I decided that, morally, I was only comfortable with this after my wife and I had agreed to separate, and only if I told her of my intention to date other people.e
It worked very, VERY well. Powerful stuff (sadly).
Puppy
What was powerful - telling her you were going to date, or actually dating?
Both. She squirmed when I finally agreed to what had been HER idea all along -- to date other people -- and then the first night I actually went out and had a drink with someone, she FLIPPED OUT!!! Called me crying, all hysterical, wanting to talk to me, etc., etc.
Both. She squirmed when I finally agreed to what had been HER idea all along -- to date other people -- and then the first night I actually went out and had a drink with someone, she FLIPPED OUT!!! Called me crying, all hysterical, wanting to talk to me, etc., etc.
Puppy
VERY interesting! I'll have to keep that in the back of mind...(though I hope I don't ever have to use it!)
Puppy did it help you to get back together, your agreeing to her idea and dating, or did it just convince her that things were TRULY over because now you too were seeing others?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I should add that my WAH, when I mentioned a week ago that I'd had contact with the interested guy, immediately gave me a stern warning to "be very careful" of this person, that even though he didn't know him personally that things I'd said about the guy in the past (first impression things that have turned out to be very UNcharacteristic of him) made my WAH think that this guy was no good for me and would take advantage of my vulnerability. Then my H said "of course it's not right for me to judge you or be involved."
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Puppy did it help you to get back together, your agreeing to her idea and dating, or did it just convince her that things were TRULY over because now you too were seeing others?
I think it was just a basic human instinct of "I may not want him, but I'll be damned if YOU can have him!" lol
Jealousy. Wanting what you can't have. Seeing that someone else would see me as attractive and worthy of attention.
I always had a ton of girlfriends before we got married. I mean from KINDERGARTEN, thru grade school, jr. high, high school, college and before my wife and I got engaged, I ALWAYS had girlfriends, and great-looking ones, too! I think my wife realized that I wouldn't last long on the open market, lol.
I should add that my WAH, when I mentioned a week ago that I'd had contact with the interested guy, immediately gave me a stern warning to "be very careful" of this person, that even though he didn't know him personally that things I'd said about the guy in the past (first impression things that have turned out to be very UNcharacteristic of him) made my WAH think that this guy was no good for me and would take advantage of my vulnerability. Then my H said "of course it's not right for me to judge you or be involved."
Yeah...right!
I can see that conversation now:
"He's a crazy raving lunatic," said Mr. Antonia, clearly agitated. "But if you want to date him, go ahead. I'll just be following you on every date you ever go on so that if he does one dumb thing I can jump out and holler, 'I told you so!'"
Ha ha, see that's what I wonder about, does the LBS dating someone even just casually start to nudge the WAS into taking a second look at the LBS and wonder if they made a mistake in choosing the OW, or does it really not matter at all and if they weren't going to ever reconcile with the LBS, this makes no difference?
On another note I found something pretty devastating today. I was looking through books my WAH brought home from when we were separated last year and he went to a few individual counseling sessions. There was a book he had me order for him on relationship issues, and I noticed only today that he had highlighted tons of passages in the book. Keep in mind that this all came BEFORE he even met the OW. All the passages explain his emotional disconnect and detachment and loss of romantic love for me. He had highlighted passages about how he was faking the relationship for me at his own expense, that he was starting to resent me for not letting him be his own person, yadda yadda.
What kills me about this is that it was RIGHT THERE under my nose all this time. He never asked me to look at this book or read it; he never discussed his feelings that were in there plain as day. So I never knew of the many ways we could have worked together to fix things. And the worst part is that I was the one who pushed counseling on him, and I even found this counselor for him who basically gave him the mantra "do whatever makes you happy" and I guess that meant leaving me without telling me that we could ever work on anything. In addition, he stopped marking the book or reading it precisely at the chapter where it tells you how to FIX these issues and save your relationship.
It all makes me feel that this OW has NOTHING to do with this in a way, and that it has everything to do with him not being in love with me anymore and that even if the OW is out of the picture, we're done. That makes me feel like total and utter crap. It was RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE and I never saw it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
