Again, I disagree somewhat with Allen on this. I think all you can (and should) do is imform the in-laws about the REAL damaging aspects of infidelity, let them know you are fighting for the marriage, and then re-expose every time your wife flatly LIES to them or to everyone.
If you cross over into what will appear to your wife to be "orchestrating" everything, then -- ironically -- I think it's going to be perceived as "pursuing." And defensive.
I exposed HARD to my in-laws (and 2-3 times subsequently), but then I pretty much backed off. Just let them know this (divorce) WASN'T what I wanted, I was still fighting for the marraige, but that I was also doing what I had to do to protect myself. And that the ball was squarely in their daughter's court.
btw, your wife's chasing of this OM is kinda pathetic. Just sayin'.
But what if the in-laws aren't "in it to win it" so to speak? Her mom isn't the best hardliner, and has a habit of telling my wife what I have told her.
That just makes me look pathetic to my wife, and probably her parents too.
And yes it is pathetic what she is doing. VERY. But she is so, so, so, so headstrong that she will pursue something until she gets what she wants. Period. If she wants this guy, the ONLY thing that will stop her is if he tells her to drop dead, or that he is seeing someone.
I am nervous about re-re-exposing. I told her mom the first time, then told her about the continued contact. My wife ran counter-exposure saying he's just a friend. She even told her mom that she (her mom) knew him back when she (my wife) and him were in high school.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
You can't control what your in-laws ultimately do. All you can do is tell them the truth, and let the chips fall where they may.
fwiw, I told everyone the EXACT same thing about my wife, and her parents and both of her brothers told ME the exact same thing: "This is the most stubborn woman I've ever known, Pup -- she's never going to cave on this if you push her."
QS, you have to keep them informed when she lies to them.. and show them proof...
btw what the heck is her FATHER doing? Just sitting on his ass or something?
Fathers tend to be better hardliners than mothers anyhow I think... Keep telling them the truth and keep them informed... WARN them about the risks of empathizing with her crying and whining ...
If MIL is ratting you out tell her explicitly to keep her trap shut or better yet, only tell her what you are ok with wife hearing.. and most of hwat you tell her isn't anything problematic anyhow... warning her by showing her that video is not going to ruin anything for you...
Well I think I am at a crossroads right now. She was looking up hotels last night near where that Facebook guy lives. He still hasn't contacted her back, but I think that may only be a technical issue (busy) and not a true desire to stay aay from her. She calls and texts him frequently, almost like she is pursuing him desperately.
I know I am not supposed to pursue. I also know that if she ends up going and seeing him, that it is going to become a physical affair.
She is hyper paranoid about me spying on her. She deletes all her text messages, even from her parents. I also am pretty sure that her mom tells my wife some of what I talk to her about.
We have a FC session tonight, and I am completely unsure of what to discuss, or what to say. In FC sessions, is the LBS allowed or supposed to say what they are REALLY feeling, as in I want this marriage to work? I had an idea of something to say"
"There's nothing anyone can do to change your mind. And that is fine. But I just can't be with someone who doesn't love me, who pursues and cheats with other men, and takes great pleasure in the whole divorce process. We all make our own choices, and you have made yours. There's nothing more I'd love than to stay married, just not to someone who acts like you do."
I kind of want to re-re-expose to her mom, but I am totally unsure of whether or not she will tell my wife. That might blow open my entire intel operation. This is a situation that I'm damned either way. If I don't do it, all it is going to take is for her to drive down there, get a hotel, and then call him and tell him shes 6 miles away waiting for him to come over. She is that determined.
If I do expose again, then in another 3-4 weeks she will just keep at it because last time it worked, and I will have no way of knowing where and when she will do it.
She found out that I had not been served yet, but the paperwork has been filed. She even marked the end of the 90 days on her calendar, and told a girlfriend that she wants to "celebrate" together.
@Puppy:
Do you have a guide or journal of what you did? You had your MIL on your side? What finally made your wife re-think her decision.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/07/1004:57 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
She was looking up hotels last night near where that Facebook guy lives. He still hasn't contacted her back, but I think that may only be a technical issue (busy) and not a true desire to stay aay from her.
This is irrelevent. What is relevant is that she is obsessed with him.
You ever wonder why? What could be so darned attractive about somebody with the kind of moral ineptitude that they would cheat with a married woman?
Maybe it's not so much about him as you or she thinks? Maybe she got herself into this mess because something (maturity and a sense of inner self worth and good character) is missing in her?
Quote:
She is hyper paranoid about me spying on her
She could have left long ago and fixed that problem. Yet there she is acting like a teenager sneaking around with a boy her parents don't approve of. How mature is that?
Quote:
There's nothing anyone can do to change your mind
Let's re-word this: there is no REASONING with her because this isn't about what is right or wrong, good or bad, or even what makes sense. She is acting solely on her emotions.
As for the rest if it, when is she moving out? When do you stop paying for crap while she cheats on you and treats you like crap?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
QA you just gonig in there and dropping your feelings into the room isn't going to be constructive
There are a ton of mind reading statements in what you wrote as well...
What you want to give the FT is something to WORK with so they know how to RESOLVE the conflict... If YOU go in and say
I want THIS from my marriage - I am willing to stay married if this is available
a. Monogamous commitment b. Honest internet activity c. Respect to me when you are talking about me with your friends and family
Etc, this is clear and gets to the point, and it does NOT directly accuse anyone of anything... You are being constructive...
If you say the above and your wife just plays the usual games tehn SHE looks like she's not trying...
Go iwth that.. don't say what you typed above, its way too critical and its just gonig to bait her into a fight
THe points I made above implicitly include your concerns without getting nasty or finger pointing
You can always say "I am not accusing you of anything, I am merely indicating that these are necesary for me to continue... If that cant' be forthcoming then I want out"
The statements I put are blatantly fair to ask.. If she refuses then SHE looks like the little miss pain in the ass she is right now
Note : In FC the object is NOT to dump how miserable you are into teh room.. Its to offer room to WORK...
You can drop your feelings into teh room and leave the lead to sift through the mess to find what they can USE to work with yoru wife, but its going to be a lot more efficient if you just hand it to him/her on a plate like I did
Your wife has to do the same... say "I am willing to stay if I can get x from my partner" etc
This FORCES her to admit there is room for improvement... If she wont acknowledge that even AFTER you offer to improve and work on the marriage then SHE looksl ike the bad guy
Counselling sessions are a bit of a game of chicken when both you and your wife are present... NO one wants to be the bad guy
You state your position calmly as you can... Its an opportunity for you to speak up...
My cocern is that you will use it as an opportunity to villify her...
My advice is to turn it into a safe negotiation
While living togehter
a. Monogamous commitment b. Honest internet activity c. Respect to me when you are talking about me with your friends and family
This still applies.. YOu can easily take the same position
As long as we are married and certainly as long as we aer under the same roof I deserve the respect of honesty, monogamous commitment, and dignity of person
I should not have to live iwth someone who lies, cheats, and criticizes me behind my back
