My first take on it to write this down so you don't forget this moment.
Yep, that's why it's here
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
I would NOT say this H.
That is if you still hold hope for any R.
There is a very strong tendency to tell spouse of your new found changes and revelations. (I know this too)
H is not in a place to understand or hear this.
If anything I think it will fuel resentment and there is already enough fuel for that fire provided by your M. Yes?
He is not ready to hear this from you.
My bad. I should have highlighted the WANT to say to H ... someday perhaps, in our future when he's ready, I would like for him to hear my sincere gratitude. In regards to the resentment ... I have none. I will struggle with grief and anger by times as I finish my journey towards healing, but any resentment that exists is his. And since I have no control over any of that .... well, y'all know the drill ....
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
These changes are for you.
Yes they are. I really don't have any interest in telling him about my changes because I want him to see or believe them ... I just want, someday, to let him know that this process was good for me, healed me, changed me ... fueled growth that makes me a better woman, mom, friend and someday ... wife.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
If anything this means you just detach more and live your life like he isn't coming back. No need to inform him of this either.
Tell him you forgive him if and when he asks for it.
H isn't coming back. The man he is/was is no longer welcome in my life as my H. I do now love him unconditionally and hope that he finds happiness and finds the strength to do the mirror work, and you are right ... there is no point to telling him. I'm so excited about what life has in store for me, I am just going to go out and live it Forgiveness is something he will have to give himself. I've already forgiven him, but I've done it for me.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
Unless you are truly done...
With that marriage, with the man he is ... yes, I am truly done. I have discovered a strength in me that will require a strong partner. A partner who is real and open and honest. A partner who won't lose himself instead of challenging me. I would rather stand alone than in front of, or behind, a 'partner' ... next time I will stand beside someone ... as teammates ... two individuals with common goals and interests ...
I guess the politically correct, DB thing to say at this point would be that maybe H could be that man, someday in the future, and I won't deny that in this great big universe anything can happen. Honestly though, I just don't think he possesses that kind of strength, that we would ever truly compliment each other the way partners should. It is what it is
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
There is that old thing we say:
You can't talk yourself out of something you acted your way into.
Live your changes...for you.
Amen brotha!
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
