Question

[awest1217]

Thanks. My newest phone actually didn't come with anything, but a charger and the phone so I will have to do some research later.

Nothing really to report. H text me July 4 to make sure I knew about the fireworks and asked where we were sitting. I almost text him yesterday, but stopped myself. I have a lot of questions and some things I would like to point out to H about how this is just like OW1, but I know I will never be able to do that and honestly nothing will come of it. Pretty much I will forever be in this state of not knowing. For me, I wonder about my judgement because I knew H was doing this stuff before we got married, but i married him anyway. I even got an anonymous letter the two days before our wedding that now I think more and more was from OW1 and I still married him. He said it was a prank from the band, which is completely possible given their sick minds, but still.

I wonder if I ever meant anything to him and why he did this all the time if he did care about me. I mean it was the whole time we have been together. Why stick with me if he didn't ever want to commit? I also really want to know if he likes the arrangement we had and where he sees me right now in his life. I would love to know what he learned in therapy. If telling another woman "i love you" is ok in their book even if you are still married. Since he talks to his coworkers like he still lives at home, does he plan on coming home at some point? Or is he doing that so a D will make him look like the victim? I have so many questions, but i know they will never get answered.

Still staying dark completely, and will have to talk to H when insurance is due because we have to figure out if he is going to stay with my insurance or get his own. It will be another thing like the moving houses where it will say a lot, but not really.

I have moved on a lot more than it seems when I am writing, but I am trying to work through some of my feelings and learn from my mistakes. I am not longer wearing any ring at all. i gave the one ring back to my step-sister and told her thank you, but i am ready to not wear one without feeling ashamed or like it is my fault. I still would like to buy a mother's ring at some point (sapphire for S and diamonds for me) for our bond, but not in the budget.

My sister and SIL plus probably many friends are prowling everywhere they go to find me someone to date. I said no time soon, but they said they are still looking for possibilities and like I have said with my convictions, it is not looking good, but most days i enjoy being independent. Those of you who have ever watched Gilmore Girls, H and I used to watch them together and we have all the seasons on DVD, but I now more than ever relate to the main character Lorelai and I pretty much am her, except I am not funny and witty, but otherwise the independent part is like me so it is very soothing to watch it every night.

Today to my grandma's for a cookout to see my cousin who lives in Arizona. Then later this week, putt-putt with S, swimming because it is HOT, work on Sunday school stuff, and who knows what else. This weekend...meeting at church for Sunday school at 9 am Saturday, baby shower for H's cousin at 10:30 and a grad party for my good friend in the evening...church sunday, and july is half over which means...getting ready for work and finishing Sunday school stuff because I take over August 1 and I have to get my new room ready at work...many changes this summer and for the start of next year...I hope I can handle them, but the good thing is that it feels like a fresh start without H, which is nice.