I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[awest1217]

1)AT THIS POINT, even if I was able to talk stbxh into dropping the divorce, and doing something to get him to decide to come back, it wouldn't be in my best interest because HE didn't come back on his own...he is unstable enough to be easily swayed to go back to OW and give me a false reconciliation. My IC put it like this: if he is able to divorce me while feeling major doubts and is uncertain, then that shows me he is not emotionally secure (at this time or maybe never) to handle R at this point. Made sense!!!!![/color]My H actually did this to me, and it hurt a lot so you don't want to go there. If he does come back or continue the compliments, make sure you "date" again.[color:#000099]

2)If I were to let stbxh know that "who knows, if we are both available in the future, maybe we could reconcile" then that wouldn't be a good idea. He would think "newmama will always be there." It behooves me emotionally (for myself) and strategically to not let him know. Continue letting my actions speak for themselves....I am actually detaching and it is helping me.

3)he said that something major like a BIG BLOW UP or an explosion in their relationship could happen and it is plausible that it could cause stbxh to come to his senses. But we can't predict when and how so it's best for me to just move forward with detaching.

4)when I said I was worried about not being able to love stbxh again, he said the feeling of love is the "romantic love" that goes away in 3-4 years. He said that after that, love is am action, a commitment, an intuitive act, a choice, a comforting feeling...so we can love if we want to. (take THAT, WASs!)[/color] I read a good book about this. It is about all the different types of love and how they are all needed in a marriage, but during difficult times it is the agupe love that is a love where you choose to love someone, and that love is the love the loves beyond everything. I have chosen like you to love H no matter what (for me, my H's health has dramatically declined since the separation, and he was healthy when he left), but although he is not himself at all and has hurt me numerous times...I still love him[color:#000099]

5)when I said maybe I was wrong about my judgment of character and that scares me....he said part of picking a mate is just luck. He said people really do change and they are unpredictable.[/color]I love hearing this because this is where I am at. Although my H was doing all of this the entire time we were dating, I just didn't want to hear it, but it is good to know that they do change and sometimes you can't help it. This really is good to know[color:#000099]


6)he told me people who come through divorce and are resilient are able to take it as "an opportunity to grow and change" and use the time to improve themselves. (Sound familiar? Thanks MWD!!)

7)I asked him about handling S' first birthday tomorrow. (OMG this exact time last year I was in my hospital gown, waiting for the foley bulb and pitocin!)Well he told me that I can always say "in the future, I would like to acknowledge S' birthday together, but this year it is too raw. I hope you understand."
But he said ultimately to follow my gut.[/color] With my H, it was S's 2nd b-day and I uninvited H because he wasn't giving any financial support for 4 months and wasn't seeing H so I said he doesn't deserve to celebrate with S, but we did go out to eat on S's actual birthday just the three of us.[color:#000099]

8)He did warn me that stepfamilies always have problems. It's hard. It's stressful (not every minute!). He wasn't sugar coating it. (but it made me feel good thinking that stbxh and OW will have problems, even though they aren't married right now)[/color]I come from a step family and unless he and OW are going through counseling to learn how to step parent, it won't work. Part of the reason I am leary on getting remarried because step is really really hard and I don't want that for me or S. It is good news for you because it is probably a point of constant contention between them although you don't know it.[color:#000099]

You are doing great and I am excited to see how things turn out. It seems like H might be coming around slowly and possibly dragging his feet on getting the D finalized so there is a sliver of hope, but I think you detaching and moving on is good because that could be what is drawing H closer, and if not then you are in a better place.