I guess I just want to be prepared if H wants to talk about my recent tantrum. I don't want to say any more that will harm him. So while I am fully willing to detatch and GAL, if H asks how he plays into the picture, is there a best-case-scenario response?
Lisa, I can't remember if you have read DR yet but if you have go back and re-read again. If your H is willing to open up to you then that would be great. All you do is listen. There is no smoke and mirrors here, just listen. I am sure you have heard of actively listening. Also validate his feelings, you want to have a better understanding of his feelings.
Do not defend yourself, let him get it out, his frustrations, his confusion, his anger whatever. Being able to communicate with our spouses about how the other is feeling without fear of reprisal is a huge piece of the puzzle IMO.
What is the current situation? Is he in Europe? Your at your parents? What is the status of your home/house? Is your H still in his apartment? Give us some more details.
You are right about 2 Queen Cities, Charlotte, NC and Cincinnati, OH. I am from and near Charlotte.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
What is the current situation? Is he in Europe? Your at your parents? What is the status of your home/house? Is your H still in his apartment? Give us some more details.
Current situation: I am at my parents, will most likely stay here until the 19th for some previously planned activities. Loving some time off from full time Mom duty and enjoying my DD with my family...the pool in the backyard isn't so awful either!
H is in Euro until Wed I believe and we plan to be in touch once he returns and figure out some time that he can spend with DD.
Our house is sitting as is. H was in charge of watching over the cat and bird and caring for the lawn, mail, etc. and finding someone to do those things during the course of his travel. He has his apt through July, he rents month to month.
I have been spending a lot of time focusing on detaching. I find myself having to read over the articles many times for it to really sink in. I wouldn't be surprised if that has to happen daily!
There is still some panic when I realize my ring isn't on my finger any more...and my ring tan is slowly fading. I find myself hiding my hand out in public, suppose I will just need some time to get used to that.
Also pondering how to keep hope alive without expectations? Not having expectations is HARD!!
Becoming more anxious in light of H's return from Europe tomorrow. Not sure what to expect from him and I don't want my words or actions to blow it. I know that is definitely not the right behavior or being fair to myself but I still feel like the pressure is on!
And I'm definitely beginning to think further of what life will be like once I'm back in my own home. Will H want to try with me? What will it be like between H and DD?
After our mess last week, we were both sobbing and he said all of his emotion revolved around DD. I never thought I could do life as a single Mom away from the rest of our family and he often said that the only reason he kept trying was for DD because he didn't want her to leave. After last week, and now me trying to do it on my own down there, will that just speed things along? Will he lead me on?
I now these thoughts show that I'm doing a really bad job at detaching and focusing on myself, but I'm new to this and finding it very hard to let go of him.
Also wondering, do I apologize for leaving last week and tell him I regret it? How do I let him know that I'd love to still work on things? Does it matter?
Becoming more anxious in light of H's return from Europe tomorrow. Not sure what to expect from him and I don't want my words or actions to blow it. I know that is definitely not the right behavior or being fair to myself but I still feel like the pressure is on!
I know you are new to all this but you have got to remove yourself from this, try to separate yourself from your emotions. I know that is a big thing to do but you can do it.
You are in the storm right now and you are creating it, it is all inside of you. We will be here to support you but you got start this now. You feel like your M hangs in the balance with every interaction, every conversation, every text, any opportunity to communicate with your H.
You have got to understand this right now.....
THIS IS GOING TO TAKE TIME......
THE PLACE YOU WANT TO BE IS FAR AWAY......
YOU CAN GET THERE BUT YOU HAVE TO START TAKING STEPS IN THAT DIRECTION.....
THE STEPS ARE SMALL BUT YOU WILL SEE THE PROGRESS, YOU CAN DO THIS....
WHAT YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF IS..."WILL I MAKE THE CHOICE TO TAKE THIS PATH, THE PATH LESS TRAVELED, THE PATH FILLED WITH OBSTACLES AND ADVERSITY.....SO LISA, WILL YOU?
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Also wondering, do I apologize for leaving last week and tell him I regret it? How do I let him know that I'd love to still work on things? Does it matter?
Lisa ... I've often been reminded that I can't talk my way out of something I acted my way into (nickle .... ummmm can't remember who said it first ...). BTW, have you read DB and DR?
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
The mere fact that you are here tells me that you want to save your M. My question while harsh and sobering still needs to be answered, “Will you do what it takes to save your M?”
This stuff is hard, but I believe we all possess what it takes to do this, to walk this journey, to take these steps. The human spirit is an incredible thing all you have to do is pop over to eric’s thread and read about his childhood.
We all possess it. It is called survival, and the wonderful thing is that along the way you grow as a person and become someone who is stronger, independent and able to embrace their emotions and experience them rather than have them rule your life. Along the way you will find your God given inner strength that will free you from the fear you are now living in.
I have confidence in you. You can do this, it is the hardest thing you will ever do but the best things in life are usually the hardest to obtain.
Originally Posted By: lala09
And I'm definitely beginning to think further of what life will be like once I'm back in my own home. Will H want to try with me? What will it be like between H and DD?
First things first….
Stop worrying about the future, easy to say hard to do, I know.
What your H is thinking or doing is not your concern right now?
You can’t control what the relationship will be like between your H and your D. So stop worrying about it>
What can Lisa control? Lisa can control how she interacts with her D. Lisa can be the best mother to her D during this very, very, very difficult time. Lisa can control her emotions and not let her emotions control her.
Originally Posted By: lala09
Also wondering, do I apologize for leaving last week and tell him I regret it? How do I let him know that I'd love to still work on things? Does it matter?
Last week is ancient history, do not bring it back up. If he does just say, “I regret I let my emotions get the best of me, I needed to clear my head, and I am ready to work on our M when you are.”
Done, you don’t need to say anything else. If he says he does not want to work on the marriage or that he is done, DO NOT FRET!!! (Believe nothing he says) you just respond, “I am sorry you feel that way, it is not what I want but D and I will be okay.” Again done, nothing else. If he wants to talk, let him. All you are doing is listening. Your only thought should be listen to what he says and how he is feeling. Do not argue with him. Do not defend yourself. Validate his feelings by saying, “I understand how you are feeling that way”.
Listen you are on the rollercoaster right now, I know.....I have been there. I wish I had found DR and this board sooner. I let my emotions rule me and in a emotional fit kicked my W out of the house and regreted within minutes of doing it so this is all coming from someone who understands exactly where you are at.
I pray that God will give you strength to start your journey.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
