How to tell the kids

[DanF]

DDay, thank you so much for taking me under your wing. It is really unbelievable how much effort you and the others put into this site. You all are very special people to help all of us newcomers so much. However my sitch turns out, I will forever owe you a debt of gratitude. Just thinking about your commitment is making me break-down at the moment for all of the wonderful things you have done to help me. The support you guys provide for strangers is truly unbelievable. I can't even believe how far I have come in such a short time. Thank you all so much!

Trying to hang in there!

[DanF]

Good morning!

As I continue to get stronger, W appears to continue getting weaker. She looked pretty dragged out this morning, but appears to be holding course.

Situation continues to be dynamic.

OM's W texted me this morning and said her H admitted that he and my W HAVE still been in contact, but finally stopped 2 weeks ago - r-i-g-h-t. He said she was calling him from work, as we believed. He had incoming calls on his phone about the time my W would get to work. Admitted that W did call him from work on her off day, prior to putting down the retainer with her atty, just like I accused her of on Sunday night.

OM says W is hurt and very mad at him for staying with his W and that she has too much pride to be involved with him anymore. I agree that W is a very prideful person. Says W thinks he is crazy for staying with his W.

W and I each go to see our attys today, so that should be interesting.

Not sure where this one is going from here.

[Four_More_Years]

I am confused as to why she came over and was so personable? Neighbors say it is all a front and she is getting ready for court and to be careful. I am not sure what to think at this point. Is DB working or are they right that she is just playing me?

Does it matter? It shouldn't change your DB'ing efforts either way.

[dday101798]

Again, no problem.

That said, (and here goes my blood pressure) gosh friggen damn it Dan, if you tell one more person to e-mail, call, text, carrier pidgeon, smoke signal, cave shadow, or whatever anything to or about your W I'm getting in my truck, heading up I94 and you are gonna feel a nasty sting on the back of your head!

Especially e-mail & text which is printable and can REALLY eff things up in court! In the thick of things, I had (x)W by the balls as she had a real bad habit of sending very nasty texts, one of which she proclaimed to have just gotten done having sex with OM and was going back for seconds for example. I could have blown her out of the water in court. Unfortunately, she realized this and barged into the house and attacked me, then called the police who kept me busy in the basement as they slammed my face into the floor at gunpoint, she was able to snatch my phone, take it home and clear it's memory. It magically resurfaced the next morning, empty.

Secondly, you sit on here all day and pound out your questions. Then you go home and discuss it with the neighbors. Dan, this is NOT healthy. I understand, I was there. But, how often do you want to keep this up? I did the same friggen thing, sat on here all day, didn't do squat at work (when I actually went), went home, straight to the beer fridge and searched out the first conversation about it all, if not, drank til I cried myself to sleep. And, half the time in doing so, leaving my kids to do nothing but sit inside and watch TV haveing no idea that in a half years time, I wouldn't be seeing them AT ALL. Catch my drift? Sure there's "blow off time" and then there's OBSESSING.

As for why your W came over, well, I don't know. Maybe it's the notion of what's to occur today eating at her? Or, maybe she was in fact scoping out the situation to ensure it wasn't a defimation session of her. Or, maybe, scratch that, probably is a bit of both.

Dan, I see a very repetative pattern in your posts that I think is highly contibutory to WHY you are here. You have far too many people medaling in your business and when something comes across as something you don't particularly like, you are quick to intervine. It's a double standard, broadcasting everything to everyone, but tyring to cutoff or censor what gets back to your W.

At this point, with a 3 day weekend ahead of us, I have some homework for you:

1) CUT DOWN ON THE BOOZE. Not only is it a fogging factor for both of you to deal with the problems (been there done that), it's taking away from your kids (been there again) and, oh by the way, (x)W was as big, if not bigger drinker than me through thick and thin, oh and doing drugs, yet guess who was the one accused of being an alcoholic in court? (CUSTODY)

2) Devote this to memory: "It is what it is". Like a sports figure has certain phrases dedicated to memory when approached by the media, this is you response to ANYONE who wants to talk about you situation. It is what it is. Next question?

3) What books have you read yet? eh heh, thought so, Read one!
Take a break from here unless you need to vent something. I won't be around to answer you anyway.

4) If you have a football, baseball or motorcycle helmet, you might want to have it handy, I'm very spur of the moment these days and Kenosha ain't that far.

[DanF]

Thanks DDay. Will try to implement your points better than I have been.

I do appreciate KNOWING that she did call him that day though and with the info I got this morning, I feel like I know more about what is really going on and it makes me feel better about myself.

I am taking the kids to my Mom's house this weekend. Plan is to not drink more than a couple beers, swim in the pool with them, go see the fireworks and then take them fishing on Sunday morning. I am really looking forward to it!

I do know that I need to get back to work, but it is very hard with all this drama going on. I know have been obsessing about this, but talking has helped me process my feeling about the situation. I HAVE talked to too many people about it and W is not happy about it.....

I have read books, but not since I got on this website. Before this, I hadn't read a book since high school. Just newspapers and magazines. I do have a list of books that I got off of this website though, so maybe I will try one.

Thanks again and I promise to do much better this week-end. Since I will be away from W and with the kids, maybe I can forget this for a little while.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

2 thoughts:

1. OM may have OW2, based on the GPS data. Keep communicating with OM's wife about this, because if you can come up with something, and communicate it to your wife, it will VERY likely be the death knell in their affair! It's just about THE most powerful thing you can hit a cheater with, ESPECIALLY the WOMAN!

2. STOP RESCUING YOUR WIFE FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF HER INFIDELITY. You are NOT doing her any favors when you "protect" her "reputation"!!!!!! In fact, by NOT allowing the NATURAL consequences to kick in, you are missing one of THE most powerful tools you have in your arsenal!

Puppy

[DanF]

Thanks Puppy.

Will keep up w/OM's W and see what else we can find out. She is quite a sleuth, so we may get something here.

I'm not really rescuing my W by protecting her reputation. Everyone knows what is going on. She was feeling like I was only telling my side of the story to people, but I have told them about my issues and her complaints about me also. I just didn't want her to think that I was blaming only her for our sitch. I am partly responsible too, but she is the one who refuses to wok on the R.

Talked to my L today and told her about all the dumb things I did. She was ok, but said STOP IT!

I asked her if we could request that W move out of the house at the temporary hearing so that this could replicate what the real D would look like before it is final. she said we could, but it may not be likely to happen. I have to go back next week because we didn't get done today. This will surprise W and likely make her very angry. Her initial petition to the court said we would live together until the D is final, but I think a separation may be the only way to bring her back. If not, we are that much closer to the end then anyway. Win/win. I used to think I would like to delay this as long as possible to extend my hope, but that is no way to live.

I also proposed that we argue that someone with 20 years experience should not have an entry level job and her "earnings potential", which is what child support and alimony are based on, should be based on a salary for a more advanced position. W refused to take any promotions in 20yrs because she did want to have to deal with the politics or problem that come with supervising people. While we were married, I supported her in that decision, but now that we will be D, I don't believe I should have to support that position any longer. She should get a better, higher paying job. W will likely be pissed about this too.

Pay attention here. My atty used a child support calculator based on share placement of the kids (50%/50%) and told me I would be paying $1,050 per month to W in child support. I found a calculator online and calculated $954. $100 less per month. I gave her my calculation and she is looking into why we have different numbers. Don't just go with blind faith. research whatever you can.

Also spoke to my mortgage person today to get things started on figuring out what to do with the house. She said if I was going to buy out W, there hasn't been a better time, with housing prices so low. I just hope I can swing that somehow. I talked to her for quite a while and she thinks W is nuts too. Everybody I talk to does, but maybe that is only because they are hearing my side of the story. It just all seems so unbelievable to me still.

Good luck to all with your DBing efforts.

[TimeHeals]

I'm not really rescuing my W by protecting her reputation. Everyone knows what is going on. She was feeling like I was only telling my side of the story to people, but I have told them about my issues and her complaints about me also. I just didn't want her to think that I was blaming only her for our sitch. I am partly responsible too, but she is the one who refuses to wok on the R.

More importantly, nothing you did made her have an affair. That's all on her, and she owns it whether she is willing to own it or not.

Stop excusing her behavior. If she made you mad, and you punched her in the face, do you think, "I'm sorry, Baby, but I only hit you because you made me mad" would work as an excuse?

[DanF]

Still at my mom's today. Brought kids up yesterday, swam in neighbors pool with my chilhood friends kids also. Had a very nice time. All wen to watch fireworks together. Texted W a pic of all the kids and she said "thanx. so cute. looks like a good time. tell ur mom happy 4th."

This am, W called D's phone and talked to the kids, not me. Same as I did to her last week. Went back to neighbors pool and played with all the kids again for a bit.

Still obsessing. I was doing very well since about Monday, but am feeling very melonchaly today. Re-read DR section on Infidelity again. I understand now that W feels I committed internet infidelity. I only looked at pics/videos. No conversations with anyone. Not interested in that at all. Only interested in W. Hope it is not too late, but I fear it may be.

Still trying to put on a good front.

Happy 4th everyone and good luck to all DBers.

[DanF]

Ok Puppy, you were right, W's OM has another OW! Met her in Las Vegas and she lives close enough for him to go to her house. Was there on Thursday from 9pm - 2am. His W busted him and he admitted to it. She is Divorced and wants to hook up with him if he gets D! He says my W is very upset and very mad because she wants to be able to share her marital problems with him, but he has lost interest in her. He says they finally stopped talking a week or two ago. She has been calling him from her work so I can't see the phone records.

So how do I play this? So W, I understand OM has another OW. How does that make u feel? I understand you want to share all your problems with him, because you were there for him, but now he isn't there for you! You are pathetic!

Since I have screwed up so much already and there are only so many opportunities to deliver well timed darts, I want to make sure that I take full advantage of this. I think I will spend some time in my room tonight with a pad of paper and my thoughts.

Help me out guys. You are so good at this stuff.