I also saw the potential but refused to see the baggage - namely EVERY man on his father's side had either abandonned or divorced his wife by age 50 since the Civil War. His parents were separated when we got married, and each brought their current lover to the wedding. All four of them stood in the front pew staring daggers at each other.
My mother warned me and warned me but I refused to see it, was SO sure I was the exception. What I was was exceptionally naive!
Originally Posted By: Twink
The "golden years" that I had looked forward to are now quite tarnished. I know I can find some polish somewhere, though, and with a little elbow grease, they should brighten up.
I agree. It's hard being "thrown for a loop" after this many years, but I'm finally starting to realize just how much I gave up for him. Now it's time to get that back, to realize my own potential. I can't keep him from hitting rock bottom. But I don't have to go there with him...
my work does not define me. Like I said before if I could change things from the past I would do many things differently. what I want more than anything right now is to live in the same town as my boys. right now I am the only person in this family with a job. and it is a very good job that will allow me (I assume I will be responsible for it) to get out of the hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt that "we" accrued over the years of training because my wife wanted to live a certain way-- not extravagantly, but irresponsibly. I never said no.
I do not think there is anything that justifies her actions. I understand how she could feel all the ways that you described. Completely. But it doesn't make it ok. I feel that the boys should be here. the only reason for them to be there is it is because she wants to be there-- not because she wants what is best for them.
they have a father who loves them, wants to be with them, and now has the time and the means to do so.
and I do agree it is important for them to know that we love them... but I also think it is important for me to be in their lives regularly, not be shuffling them back and forth state to state, and to give them some stability somewhere other than in an enviroment where all-- and I mean all-- of their friends parents are splitting up, cheating, and putting themselves first.
does she love them? I'm sure she does. but right now I do not think what she is doing is what a mother who truly loves her kids would do-- keep them from their dad and use them as pawns to get what she wants- money and keep me at a distance.
even today she sent me a message saying that I could see the kids this summer-- but that she has many bills that need to be paid.
I told her time and time again that I will pay for her to live here and support her... I just want the boys in the same town as me.
cori sounds like a great guy. I did my best at the time with what I had, what I was faced with, and my level of emotional maturity during my training to get home as fast as I could every day to be with my wife and kids. but it wasn't enough. I regret not doing better.
If I could do it all over again I'm sure I would have done many things differently.
what I am faced with now, however, is a battle. I have proposed a number of agreements with her-- and she has shot them all down. she made a choice to be a cake eater. I allowed it for a year and now I'm dealing with a very difficult situation where she has essentially established residence for those kids. I never would have imagined in a million years that she would choose to keep them away from me like this, but then again I didn't know what she was capable of. I loved her, wanted her back and wanted the family back... but she had other things in mind, maniuplated me and the situation to her advantage and now she has a leg up.
I still feel that I will fight to get those kids here as best I can. If I lose then likely I will be looking at working up there. this is a phenomenal opportunity that will, as I said, allow us to get out of the loads of debt we have and establish some stability for a family that has gone off the rails.
having the kids know that I love them is not enough-- not enough for them and not enough for me.
It's not right for a spouse to take the children from a marriage and move hundreds of miles away.
THAT spouse, regardless of any legitimate issues he/she might have with the other spouse, betrays their true motivations by this action - showing that THEIR needs and desires outweight the needs of the children.
There can be no more damning revelation about a person's true character.
Mrs. Bradley was not physically or verbally abused. We can surmise that she was unhappy in the relationship and felt as though she and the family were not Mr. Bradley's priority - but this is a far cry from a spouse who NEEDS to take the chldren and flee so far away.
...and using the children as a tool to ensure a steady financial flow? Well that's just obscene.
You know well that my feeling on your situation from the beginning was that you needed to SHOW that your family was more of a priority to you than your career.
I'm not sure if you've fully done that or not. But, according to your accounts at least, you made a legitimate offer to move to her location and take a job outside of your specialty to reunite your family. And you say that you were summarily rebuffed.
For now I think that is indication enough that this woman is NOT just disenchanted and wants to see your commitment.
If I were in your position, I would be taking every possible step to try to gain AT LEAST 50% custody of your children. And I'm talking the serious legal process route.
But some food for thought...
You are a cardiac surgeon and presumably will continue to have a very demanding schedule. If you were awarded 50% custody of your boys, would you be able to care for them for that much of the time? Or would you have to rely of some kind of nanny or other child care?
I expect that will be an issue in any legal process regarding custody.
Your wife is not entitled to have her entire life financed by a husband she no longer wished to be married to. Alimony (other than perhaps for stars and celebrities) would and should not be sufficient to live on. It sounds to me like she expects to be supported by you. This needs to stop as well.
The other danger for you right now is that you begin to gloss over your shortcomings and continue being the Bradley of old.
Whatever you were before was not enough. The fact that your wife is now wrongly treating you and your children does NOT mitigate your past behavior.
I hope you can find a way to continue being honest WITH yourslf ABOUT yourself and make this experience be the opportunity to make some mid-life corrections.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
The other danger for you right now is that you begin to gloss over your shortcomings and continue being the Bradley of old.
Whatever you were before was not enough. The fact that your wife is now wrongly treating you and your children does NOT mitigate your past behavior.
I hope you can find a way to continue being honest WITH yourslf ABOUT yourself and make this experience be the opportunity to make some mid-life corrections.
Thank you Bill. its nice to hear from you again. And thank you for supporting me.
it is amazing to me how people I have never met really know my situation and know me better than most of the people who are in my life.
Let me tell you that there is NO WAY that I am going back to the old me. all of my priorities in life have changed. my whole approach to people and my relationships is different. I am acutely aware of how other people are with their spouses... and I notice how NICE to each other so many of them are. I notice how they are aware of each other. my wife and I never graduated from the college way of life...we never matured as a couple. there were barriers there that we never got over. and I own my part of that... which was a big part.
but the main, thing is that I have been opening my eyes to how I am with other people, and realize how socially retarded I have been... literally. I am still just trying to figure out how to be comfortable with other people in a non-judging way... just kindof being with them. this is something I am just learning... now that I am aware of this deficiency I realize how far I have to go.
so there is no going back. the main thing is this: the old bradley was a loner. I liked doing stuff on my own. as you can imagine this year has given me all the alone time one man can stand for a lifetime. I'm now all about being with other people. I crave it. and I enjoy it.
today I played some music with some folks in town... I sang and played my les paul. I sang "Simple Man" by Skynrd. good song. good message....
Let me tell you that there is NO WAY that I am going back to the old me. all of my priorities in life have changed. my whole approach to people and my relationships is different.
Bradley. keep those changes going. You will be a much better father, partner and doctor because of them, regardless of what happens with your M. Good for you!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Let me tell you that there is NO WAY that I am going back to the old me. all of my priorities in life have changed. my whole approach to people and my relationships is different.
Bradley. keep those changes going. You will be a much better father, partner and doctor because of them, regardless of what happens with your M. Good for you!
Twink's right - opening yourself up and engaging with others WILL make you a "people magnet." They'll be drawn to you. Good for relationships AND business (lots of referrals, lol!) (Have you read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie lately?)
As for Mrs. Bradley saying you can see the boys IF you pay her bills - talk about seeing red! SHE HAS NO RIGHT! "Pay for play?" Revolting!
But she IS giving you plenty of ammo for a custody battle. I'm with Bworl - check into child care arrangement for them where you're at (a nanny, au pair, or relative living with you) and then sick your lawyer lose on gaining custody. At the very least it will get her reconsidering staying where she's at. No kids + limited funds = no reason to live 8 hours away.
what I am faced with now, however, is a battle. I have proposed a number of agreements with her-- and she has shot them all down. she made a choice to be a cake eater. I allowed it for a year and now I'm dealing with a very difficult situation where she has essentially established residence for those kids. I never would have imagined in a million years that she would choose to keep them away from me like this, but then again I didn't know what she was capable of. I loved her, wanted her back and wanted the family back... but she had other things in mind, maniuplated me and the situation to her advantage and now she has a leg up.
Bradley,
I hate to say it but I honestly do not see a lot of growth here. I still see a lot of excuses or blaming of your W.
I realize you see some of the things you could have done differently, but I also still see the sense of entitlement that Mach touched on.
None of us imagined that our spouses would do some of the things we have experienced. If we did, we would not have married them right? I mean unless we were just glutton for punishment.
I do not doubt your desire to be a part of your children’s lives but I do feel like in many ways, because your W is not willing to give you what you want, not the M, but just living arrangements in general, that you are willing to go for the throat. You know that whole eye for an eye mentality.
Is that really good for any of you involved?
I still really feel like the motivation for some of YOUR actions, is not coming from a place of peace, compassion, and true desire for what is the best, but from a sense of trying to control a situation that you feel like you have no control over and definite judgement and punishment of your W for her actions.
IF you win full custody of your boys, you will be ripping them from the only full time parent they have ever known and honestly, will you be able to be with them full time or will they spend a ton of time with a nanny?
Bradley, make sure your motivations are honest and pure. Not from hurt, anger, frustration, entitlement, or anything else.
Because if they are not from the right place, the only ones you will be hurting, is your boys.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
What is the BEST thing for my boys ?
What they have known , since they were born is the life that you describe...
I am NOT suggesting that you give in to her here...
Just that there are small steps to take to avoid that plunge into the icy lake water....
You are still thinking that it is either all or none here...
With everything in life there is a balance...
Please really think about this…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I didn't want to react right away to your message.
I'm processing it and thinking about it.
the only thing I would say right now is that I do not want full custody of my boys. Ideally I want to be living in the same place as them. Most ideally for them and the family is for me to stay here in this job. It will allow me to get out from under the hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt that "we" accrued.
I hear what you and Mach are saying. what you are saying is to try to reach some sort of agreement. I have asked her to go to mediation. she doesn't want to.
I hear what you and Mach are saying. what you are saying is to try to reach some sort of agreement. I have asked her to go to mediation. she doesn't want to.
Something that I always tried to keep at the forefront of my thoughts...
I wanted to step back, and think about what was best for my children.
The question that I pondered, and still do, everytime there is a situation is.
Is this really what is right for them, or am I so engrossed with "winning" that I am overlooking their best interest.
IF you can let go of the anger, and the " I am entitled to this " and really think about that before you make any decisions regarding them.
THAT is what you fight for my friend...That balance.
I agree that you should fight for your relationship with them.
I just see a lot of victim there too....
Find that balance for you with them.
How is it that they are living across state lines again ?
