As you may have read in my initial post, my WAW's mother died last week and I went down to TN for the week to support her and the kids.
I was under the impression that things were coming back together. It was like old times while we were there. Talking laughing, touching... and on the 8 hr drive home I know for a fact that she ALMOST said ILY more than a few times while we were talking.
Then we got home and it was like a switch flipped. She helped unload the car, spent about 30 - 45 minutes in the bathroom (I now assume texting the OM) then said "Bye" and left. Now, prior to this I was totally expecting her to say she was sorry and that she was moving back home to work on the M. MAN! Am I a sucker!
Then I asked her if she was coming over today for the 4th and she said she didn’t know.
She called today and said she wanted to get together and either the kids and I could come over to her friends house (with a pool) and hang out or they could come over here. I asked and my son said he wanted to stay home.
So she and the friend came over here just in time for dinner (shock!) and proceeded to ignore my kids and talk to each other. She later asked me why my son was “in a mood” and I told her to stop ignoring him. She did and the evening went a bit better…for a while.
She came in a while later and asked me if there was anything I needed from town and I said no. She then kept asking me if there was anything she could do for me and I finally said, “If you really want to do something, come home”. She said, “Well…?” and walked away.
I have seen the light of what you fine people are saying here and I am ready to listen. I never thought in a million years that my life, my wife would turn out like this. I don’t even know her any more! She is truly acting like a spoiled teenager and I’m not sure I even want her to come back unless she finds the other girl I am in love with again.
Please help! I’ve been to the brink now and looked over the edge and realize I am not ready for this! I have bought DB and am reading it as I get time when the kids are out of the room, but it is slow going since they are both worried about me and keep wanting to hug me and take care of me right now. GOD! I love them! Right now, that is the only thing I am grateful to the W for.
Thanks for reading.
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
She came over that evening and thanked me for the flowers and said she doesn’t know if she wants to come back and doesn’t know when she will be able to give me an answer. I don’t know if she has stopped the EA . . .
Nav,
Unless you failed to update us, THAT is where your wife left it with you regarding your affair. Made absolutely NO COMMITMENT to your marriage, or to end the affair. And you respond with, this time . . .
Talking, laughing and touching.
You're just not getting it. Until your wife agrees to end her infidelity, you need to pull AWAY from her, and lay out your personal boundaries. She's CAKE-EATING, big-time, and you are enabling her.
Yep. I am listening. I've always been a tad slow but this past few days have been a real eye opener.
Honestly, I haven't broached the subject of HER affair since her Mom has just passed away but it is coming within the next few days and if it has ended, then we'll go from there. however, if it hasn't the boundries i am looking for your input on are the following:
1. Since we both want joint custody, she will have to give me a schedule of when she wants to come visit the kids here at home after work and I'll find something to do after my work during that time or she can take them for a week and I'll take them for a week.
2. Inform her that I will not be in contact with her at all (except for the Bankruptcy paperwork, etc) unless/until she ends it.
3. Change the garage door code and door locks so she can't come and go as she pleases.
4. Open a new bank account (doing this anyway) to deposit MY check into each month and not giving her any more money.
Does this sound like the right path? Is there anything I am missing?
I am trying here, I am still new at this and my head is still spinning!
Thanks!
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
The only way that I can satisfactorily assume anything at this point is to have her show me the cell phone itimizations online and allow me into her email account. I know what you are saying. It is so easy to wipe out your tracks and open alt email accts but i am pretty good at this whole computer stuff and can usually find anything that is/was there. As far as how will i know for sure? That'll just take time once she convinces me that she would be telling the truth and then stay watchful. I know there are no absolutes in life and she hid this from me for almost a year. It all comes back down to trust.
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
It took me a while to finally open my eyes, and I really appreciate the forthright words from you fine folks.
I started implementing some of the strategies tonight. She came over after work to see the kids. As soon as she got here, I put on my shoes and went outside to continue fencing in the garden (even though it was 95# out there!). She kept coming out and trying to make small talk with me and i kept my answers friendly (nuetral) and short and kept on working. She made a few trips out there and when it was obvious I was busy, she said, "well, I have to go, the shower broke and I don't know if I can fix it." I said OK and kept working. She stood there for a few more minutes then walked away with a confused look on her face.
I feel better than I have in a few weeks! And, before you ask, no it's not because I feel like I am "paying her back" but because I don't feel all knotted up inside and wondering what she is thinking.
Thank you so much for the encouragement to make myself into a better person and not try to change someone else (IMPOSSIBLE!).
Me-44 W-41 M-20yrs S13 D18 ILYBINILWY-June 2010 (On our Anniversary)
