Thanks, DLS. Once I stated that a WAW was "disgusted" with her H and some of the men thought I was being too harsh. But it's the truth and that's the only way to make people see how she thinks. If the majority of WAW's in an A feel anything like I did...then everything turns her off. She doesn't want to have to share the same air b/c that would mean having to be in the same room. Blunt, right? But men need to know this fact and stop chasing after a wife who can can't stand him. It is not going to change her feelings.
The LBH seems to think he can talk her into feeling differently.....but he can't. Talking makes her worse! I know there are some on the board that believe in shaming or guilting the WAW back into the R, but I disagree. Would you want to live with anyone that you were "shamed" into staying with? I wouldn't! Guilt is not a good foundation for a M, IMHO.
I'll go another step farther.....I wouldn't want a S to stay just for the children, either. Don't take me wrong, but how would a man like to know his W was staying with him for no other reason except to be there for the kids? Oh, they say that she should but a little while of living under those conditions and his tune would change. He doesn't REALLY want her there except that she wants to be with him! And that is how it "should" be, but when LBH's come here...they find every reason that she should stay in the M. They need to wake up and they need to see how it really is....not what they "think" or "feel".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well knowing this it seems that the best thing to do is to GAL and date, if there is sliver of love left in that WAS heart ( which it usually is ), they will get insanely jealous and come to claim the man that they thought would remain on the spot that they put them on.
Most nights things are just like they used to be. She calls or I call and S, W, and I go to dinner and everything is normal. Except the 2 days she has to herself. She sometimes comes home before S and I come home. Other times she does not come home until 10 or 11 PM. I just seems hard to detach when she is always here. The last week I have withdrawn quite a bit because I have had enough of her 2 year old behavior. So I do not IM her during the day at all. Do not call at all and I have been going to be earlier than I have been before. I just cannot sit on the couch and listen to her texting on the stinking phone. Plus this whole thing is exhausting me. So I have not gotten any hugs or kisses from her before bed in the last week, which does nnot bother me anymore. I think I finally got some detachment because I am really ready to move on. I am tired of the limbo land and ready to be happy again. I actually am considering divorce myself now. Accepting her divorce letter and moving on. I may try a little longer to DB just because she stuck with me when I was sick (depressed) and I feel that I owe her a chance to get better. Maybe something can be salvaged if she gets help. I just know I have little or no trust left. Not sure if we have a foundation of a relationship left. If not, then what can we do? Can the trust be rebuilt? Can the waals still be broken down? I just still have so many questions, no answers and little energy left to do it all. On top of all of this I have all kinds of changes and uncertainty at work and with my extended family. As if just dealing with W was not bad enough. A lot of stress, trying to stay out of the hospital.
I also found out that hse has NOT had a PA but fairly sure she has had a EA on Facebook or texting. No actual proof of the EA, but working on it. She is not really wanting to be intimate becasue she has NOT been taking care of her diabetes and she keeps getting infections and it is painfull. This has been true since last December which she told me it was painful, and we have not been together since and she has not resolved the roblem. She went to the OB but never told me specifically what the problem is. I know she has not monitored properly her diabetes and that her sugar stays around 300 or up. She has a lot of stomach aches which she treats with tums by the carton. Lately lots of headaches, but I have tried in the past to get her to the doctor and she will not go. I know that this will also affect mood and judgemnt and is obviously not helping the situation between us. Any ideas on how to get her help. Her mother nags her and she complains that her mother is bugging her. So I do not want to pester her, but she really needs help and I do not think i am in a position to try to convince her.
I know she has not monitored properly her diabetes and that her sugar stays around 300 or up. She has a lot of stomach aches which she treats with tums by the carton. Lately lots of headaches, but I have tried in the past to get her to the doctor and she will not go. I know that this will also affect mood and judgemnt and is obviously not helping the situation between us.
If she has Type I Diabetes then the stomach aches could be a sign of ketosis. If that gets very high then her life is in great danger. Headaches are due to her sugar being high.
I can understand that frustration and anger when a diabetic will not go to the doctor. I don't know how long she's had diabetes, but part of her stubborness is denial.
If she gets into a keytonic state...she will not think correctly and will not function properly. Sometimes another person has to physically pick them up and carry to the ER. She may even try to fight that person.
Is there a family member who understand the disease and would step in if needed?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She is Type II and has never really wanted to deal with it. I think she just hopes it will go away. She has had it since before we got married. It made her gain a bunch of weight and she has never felt very well about herself since then.
Her mother knows and understands but does to her what she has done her whole life, nag and tell her how wrong she is. It is this awful type of parenting tht I believe is a huge cause in her behavior both towards our marriage and to our son. That is why I am to the point that I may not want to be around anymore. I do not think things will change. She works for the family business and she sees her mom on a daily basis. Her sister has been calling almost daily since we seperated making sure that she pushes her agenda. None of them really care about her which is the sad part. The further down her self esteem gets the worse we are becasue they have her back where they want her, their loyal subject. I used to try to boost her up and make her feel better but they keep pulling her down. Our situation now does not help. She does not know what she wants but she blames her unhappiness on me, and that is not good.
I am at a total loss as to what to do. I am trying to detatch, but not sure how to really do it. Like I said before I stopped the IM and texting and calling. She has stopped giving me kisses and hugs before bed and it just seems all I have done is tell her what she is doing is OK. We still go to dinner as a family at night and everythnig seems good and everyone is happy. But reality slaps me in the face when she goes to her bedroom a when it is time for bed. This whole thing is agony and I want my life back.
She asked me to go to a fair and then fireworks yestrday with S and I did. We had a great time except I am used to holding hands or some kind of affection during the fireworks, and I just did not feel right doing it. So I just held my son. I really miss my wife, I wish she would come back to reality.
Also, saturday I went to my family picnic with only S. While I was there got text from W saying her friends ex-husband was accidentaly shot. So she drove 2 hours to be with her friend. Stayed at the hospital longer that day than she did total for the 3 1/2 days I was in the hospital. Then last night had our S text a message to W freind that S loved her friend. I did not even get a text saying S loved me while I was in the hospital. Just tired of the whole thing. I was very hurt but said nothing. she did not even have him get me anything for fathers day. He is 4 and cannot do that stuff without help. I am not sure what I want anymore. Do I really want to be treeated like this anymore?
I do not have as much experience with the Type II as Type I. I do know that 300 is very high for Type II and she is gambling with her life if is continues in this range. How old is she?
Her mother is a negative influence on your W and a doctor or very good friend would probably reach her better. I doubt she'll listen to you. If her family makes her feel insignificant then she may be unconciously doing harm to herself due to such low self-esteem. The child should be the source of reason for her. She should want to live a healthy life to see him grow up, but if she's in denial....then she needs to be shocked awake. Some day, she will be....but at what price? A heart attack, a stroke, or worse?
Try not to compare how she responded to her friend and to you. Especially don't think anything of the son's TM b/c you know who was & wasn't behind both times. You're hurt and that magnifies everything.
You are tried and frustrated and it's hard to make decisions under those circumstances. I think you can look down the road and have some idea what life will hold with your W. You may have a better life apart from her and with another person, but then again who knows? Think of what's best for your child. Do what works....and do the right thing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have not talked about relationship for months. We act like we did before she left except the changes I have made putting me in a better place. But there is still this wall of tension between us. As long as that wall stands we will never get back together. She and I act like best friends, maybe that is all she wants from me now. I do not know. All I know is that I do not want to waste another couple years trying to fix somethnig that may or may not work out. She is 40 and I am 38, so she is a little old to be acting so childish. But if her childhood was half as bad as she has told me it was, I understand. But at some point she has to grow up and be an adult.
Do you think it is time to sit down and hash some of this out? I sometimes feel that she needs to know how I feel. But from what you say, I am not sure she really cares.
Right now she probably doesn't care. I tried reasoning and talking with my stbxh and nothing worked...I saw the blankness. It wasn't worth it. It just took a stab at me deeper.
It's your call.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
