Does anyone think I just put the final nail in the marriage coffin?
No, but I think SHE may have. It is not YOUR REACTION to her poor behavior, but rather her POOR BEHAVIOR ITSELF that is putting any "nails" in the marital "coffin" here, QS.
You need to let her go, QS. This is where I disagree with Allen, as much as I admire and respect his work here. I do believe that there does come a time for Robx's/Gucci's "I agree"/let them go speech.
At some point, this just becomes so much CONTROLLING on your part, trying to convince them to stay in the marriage. There is wisdom in that old "If you love someone, let them go" saying.
OK, so you exposed. Good for you. OK you fought for your M. Good for you.
Now, however, you are locked in a battle of wills with somebody who not only does not respect you at this time, they are bent on leaving you at whatever cost. It's becoming too nasty to continue, IMO.
The good thing about this flight syndrome is that you can probably lock in a deal where she gets almost nothing in the seperation agreement. That's a thin silver lining on a big, nasty dark cloud.
Right now she is doing nasty, nasty things to you, and you are just taking it. Time to drop the rope and let her deal with her own choices from now on.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
The good thing about this flight syndrome is that you can probably lock in a deal where she gets almost nothing in the seperation agreement. That's a thin silver lining on a big, nasty dark cloud.
I agree. You may be able to put a "sweetheart deal" (for you) in front of her in her current state, as a cheater in this frame of mind will often do ANYTHING just to get themselves out of contact with their betrayed spouse. She may also be getting pressure from OM.
Right now she is doing nasty, nasty things to you, and you are just taking it. Time to drop the rope and let her deal with her own choices from now on.
That's the thing, I AM in that process. I AM DOING THINGS FOR ME now and DOING WHAT IS RIGHT no matter the situation. I am being an adult, and acting civilly.
And 30 days of DB culminated with one conversation in the morning with her mom about being "so happy", and then later that day with "he is making me sooo upset with the way he has been acting and doing things I always wanted him to". She has NOTICED the changes.
Alan was completely right about the underlying miserableness, down to the core.
It's not about convincing her to stay. It is about DOING THE RIGHT THING and being the person I WANT TO BE NOW. And the effects spill on over to her whether I want them to or not.
Everything that I have been doing has had an impact, and that was VERY visible yesterday. She still THINKS that she will be happier with SOMEONE ELSE doing those things, BUT I have never in the 6 weeks since she dropped the bomb saw her act that way as she did yesterday.
I know I can't convince her to change. I can just change ME, and then watch and see how she responds to that.
But so far Alan has been dead on, and I didn't see it full force until yesterday.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
I know I can't convince her to change. I can just change ME, and then watch and see how she responds to that.
But so far Alan has been dead on, and I didn't see it full force until yesterday.
In other words, you are going to keep banging your head against this wall, you are only changing things about you in the hope it changes HER (not really a change at all), and you are not going to drop the rope.
OK, then. Good luck with that.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/05/1002:55 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
No TH, I think QS is making changes to benefit him and he appreciates them for their own sake here...
QS I will make one point though, don't expect DBing to take only a few weeks... MWD gave a VERY ROUGH estimate of one month of dbing is required for every year you were togehter..
So your wife is gonig to be an MESS for nine months and you will have to keep up the fight for nine months... are you up for that?
I don't think she will stay ANGRY for nine months, but she will fight you for nine months roughly... might be less, might be more...
Don't think thirty days is gonna chagne anythying... SeeingRed on this forum has been fighting for THREE YEARs... she's playing softball granted, and i don't agree with that, but it will give you an idea how long this CAN take... Puppy is one of the hardliners here and it took three months for him to turn his wife around...
I don't think you're trying to control her QS, I think you're trying to influence her...
Pup, I hear ya on the let it go thing... I would just quibble on the amount of time before doing so... I have told 4luv and a few others on here "let it go", but they were fighting for over a year...
And despite the pain you're experiencing QS, dbing is good THERAPY for YOU... YOU will feel like a better person when you're done...
You see... MWD is tricking all of us... DBing isn't to save your marriage, its therapy to save YOU from a life is repeated marital mistakes... I bet my HOME on it that you won't make this mistake again with your wife OR any other female you choose to marry later should that happen... I think you ARE growing... If you can stomach the pain it's worth it...
No pain, no gain my man... I think you're doin great..
You can see you are making a dent... I say keep up the fight...
Keep educating your exposure group and keep making the home more inviting... avoid interacting with her directly... speak with mature actions... that's how you shout right now...
No TH, I think QS is making changes to benefit him and he appreciates them for their own sake here...
That's what you think. It's not what he said. He said he is going to do what is right, he is making changes for himself, and then he is watching how those changes affect her.
Excuse me, but she's in an affair. He could turn into Albert Einstein in Charles Atlas' body overnight, and it wouldn't get an immediate reaction out of her, and he clearly said he is looking for it.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
He said he is going to do what is right, he is making changes for himself, and then he is watching how those changes affect her.
That's right.
What is right = KEEPING MY PROMISES. I failed at that beforehand, and now I need to keep them NO MATTER WHAT.
=Being a responsible homeowner. =No more complaining about things out of my control =Appreciating what I have and my family =My job does not define me =My accomplishments are only PART of who I am =Taking the initiative and NOT procrastinating =Makig new friends and PUTTING OTHERS FIRST = MANY other things.
THOSE ARE THE RIGHT THINGS TO DO NO MATTER WHAT. Whether I am single or married, THEY ARE RIGHT.
I NEED to make them PERMANENT in my life. However, I also do from time to time see how that changing affects my wife.
And yesterday it hit her hard after 30 straight days of DB and a HUUUUUGE laundry list of changes I made for the positive. FOR ME ME ME.
All I am saying is that I really and truly do love this woman, and it hurts me deeply to see her want to go. BUT THAT IS HER LOSS. She is curing the disease by KILLING THE PATIENT.
But I pray to God every day that my marriage could be healed and transformed into a new better one with the new better me.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
You got it QS.. I think you know what you're doin... It's not a guarantee of success... But I think you can see it DOES have impact... She's just HIDING it well...
