Skittish, terrified, unsure. But up on my own feet.
Maybe I'm just uber emotional lately, but I honestly feel like I am clueless here. I don't know how I'm going to do this, BUT I do know that at the end I'm going to just fine.
Standing down for my M, as it were, was a hard decision. I took some hard long looks at where I was, who I had become, and how I had gotten to that point. I didn't like any of it.
I had been so blinded by my desire to save my M, to hold my family together, to just prove that I could do it (!) that I didn't really stop to see what it was I was trying to save.
My M was dead in the water. As it should have been. It needed to die before it finished destroying anyone else...like my children, my husband. Me. It had already taken it's toll, I didn't recognize myself. I didn't know the man my husband had become.
And I helped do it. That was one big, bitter pill to swallow.
The scary part now is just looking around and saying, "now what?" I don't know what I'm doing, I'm just doing it.
And I'm probably doing it wrong...I don't know. lol
I've been talking to someone from here who seems to see me in a light that I just can't manage (out yourself if you'd like, I'm not going to). I had made the comment that I was afraid of letting someone know me so well--I gave little pieces of myself to different people, but no one, ever, got the whole person.
The response was a very simple one... "Maybe you should."
A little terrifying...especially considering that I'm not sure I've even allowed myself to see me in that kind of light. How can I possibly let someone get to know me when I don't really know myself?
So that's where I am. I'm picking up the pieces of myself--my heart & soul-- and gently trying to glue them back together. I'm sure I'm going to be surprised at what I find.
And as I'm discovering these broken and jagged pieces of me not only fit together but create something entirely new, I'll make sure to get up the courage to let people see.
No hiding behind being a smartass. No laughing away the hurt, no smiles or jokes to deflect whatever it is that I've been too afraid to show.
This ought to be interesting. I have a bottle of Oliver black cherry wine (several, actually), and a vat of gorilla glue.
Let the piecing begin.
Be warned--this might take awhile. Please bear with me.
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I saw that Eric started a new thread with almost the same message. Sorry guy, I didn't mean to be a copycat. lol No stealing your thunder, because you have a lot more to be proud of than I do right now--you have come so far.
I am so proud to know you.
Even if you do prefer the pastel colored tutus.
let me know if you find a red corset & top hat in your closet--I'm already thinking of my Halloween costume.
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Carry on, people. There's only a work in progress here.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
A little terrifying...especially considering that I'm not sure I've even allowed myself to see me in that kind of light. How can I possibly let someone get to know me when I don't really know myself?
Touche, eh? Now the fun begins! And I mean that ... getting to know myself has been a painful and enlightning process - one that started before the bomb and really came together for me post bomb. You are gonna love what you discover - just maybe not AS you are discovering it
Originally Posted By: beingreal
So that's where I am. I'm picking up the pieces of myself--my heart & soul-- and gently trying to glue them back together. I'm sure I'm going to be surprised at what I find.
And as I'm discovering these broken and jagged pieces of me not only fit together but create something entirely new, I'll make sure to get up the courage to let people see.
No hiding behind being a smartass. No laughing away the hurt, no smiles or jokes to deflect whatever it is that I've been too afraid to show.
Your friends love you for who you are, and that includes all the parts you think you don't want anyone to see. The truth is, without this knowledge, this insight, this reality, you haven't given them the best parts of you. The hard parts, the painful parts are what have built your character and formed your soul ... those are the pieces that make the picture complete ...
Good for you shelbel - sorry breal - the best is yet to come ... and we can handle it ... bring it on ...
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Standing down for my M, as it were, was a hard decision. I took some hard long looks at where I was, who I had become, and how I had gotten to that point. I didn't like any of it.
I had been so blinded by my desire to save my M, to hold my family together, to just prove that I could do it (!) that I didn't really stop to see what it was I was trying to save.
I really like this BrealShel.....
Just want to remind you that this is your STARTING point toward healing...
Sorry, snarky as I can get today with all of this estrogen flowing on the boards...
