My Story

[botanygirl]

Okay so here is my story. I feel really scared because I am sure there are others out there that have a story as bad as mine but of course I am feeling like this is really bad and there is likely no light at the end of the tunnel.

Since about christmas I noticed that things were really not right with my husband. Actually I should back track. My H and I have been together for 18yr. Highschool sweethearts; we married 5 yrs ago July 1st. So we definately didn't rush into anything. For most of the time we had a LD relationship because I was in school for 8yrs. He would see me on weekends but we always had a great time and we were always very close. I became pregnant 2007 and had our D May 2008. Life was wonderful. He was a fantastic father-really caring and really took care of both of us. He works nights and I own my own business, which has been a tough go so I supplemented with teaching on the side. I went back to work full-time 4 mo after D was born. It worked out but a lot of responsibility on him because he was the main care giver during the day. Things started to change last year initially i noticed a deficiency in our sex life. We talked about it-he just said it was because he was tired and that we would work on it. And then it would be a bit better but again would dwindle. I didn't think much of it b/c I was still breast feeding and D was in our bed frequently so I just chalked it up to that. I can't say that I was totally in the mood either. By christmas of 09 I really started to realize something was wrong. Very little to no sex and then when I brought up the topic of a second child was shocked to be told that there wouldn't be one. He was furious with me and told me 1st that we couldn't afford it and then said that he didn't want the responsibility. To make things more clear in addition to taking care of our D he was also watching his 2yr old nephew (they are 9mo apart) once/wk. At first it was good b/c his brother would take care of our D 1x/wk but they started not doing their end of the bargain and I became resentful. I stopped going home for lunch b/c it was always a gong show and I didn't want to take care of his nephew and wanted my H to stop but he wouldn't. So when I asked about a second child he responded with he knew what it took to take care of 2 children because of taking care of his nephew and knew he didn't want that responsibility-physically and emotionally couldn't do it. I tried to explain that it wouldn't be the same-we wouldn't have children that were 9mo apart! But nothing I said made any difference it was not now and not ever! He then later softened and agreed that maybe in the future but not now. Christmas is always crazy with his work b/c he is in shipping business so I just left him but in January the crazy work hours continued. He finishes at 2am and is usually home by 3-4am after he finishes paperwork. He was coming home at 6am,7am and sometimes at almost 8am. Our D wakes up btwn 9-10:30am. He was getting no sleep. I was getting very worried. This went on until april and was increasingly getting <. He would also not spend time with me. On weekends he would sleep 1/2 the day and then we would go shopping and do things for the house but as soon as D was in bed he was out the door. There was no chance for us to connect. We went out on some double dates b/c I thought that would help but as soon as we would get home he would be out the door. He leaves at 12-1am. I was devastated. He has never done anything like this. He was always so loving and wonderful. Again I thought it was just too much pressure of taking care of our D. In april I had had enough and chatted with a friend about the sit. she had a GPS tracking device that she had to use on her H so she lent it to me so that i would get piece of mind. I placed it in the car and as soon as I did I realized my H was lying to me. He told me he was going to work early and I watched on my computer as he went to a very seedy end of town. No idea why he would go down there. I called him and told him I followed him. He lyed and told me he had to pick someone up to take in to work. He was there again after work. I called him and told him I knew he was there again. He finally told me he was at his bookies. Long story short he has a gambling problem and has put us into a big amount of debt. He has 2 lines of credit that I didn't know about. One is maxed out and the other is about 1/2way there. When we finally had the big blow out I ended up involving his family in order to do this b/c he wouldn't talk to me. In the end he told me that he started gambling b/c he was bored with our life and that he no longer loved me. I made matters < by calling someone at his work that I thought was a friend but as it turns out things at work haven't been great and so now knowing my H has personal problems they are placing blame on him....likely he is the problem with lack of sleep and huge debt I imagine it would be hard to keep on top of things at work. He is now on probation at work and initially blamed me for it. I wish I hadn't called his work it was a big mistake. It was the next day that we started counselling but the damage was so great at that point nothing was going to work. We went to 4 sessions and I felt that at the end of every session all the problems were my fault and I needed to change and back off and I was pushing H out of the marriage. I didn't understand. I hadn't read the DB book and the councellor didn't really explain the importance of me backing off. You would think I would understand but I didn't. Now after all the reading I have done I finally understand but I feel like it is too late. I don't regret cancelling the councellor b/c I still think he was crappy but now I don't think my H will ever go again and he isn't getting help for the gambling. He continues to "work" until 6am and is going out every weekend late at night. He has told me to leave him alone. He doesn't want a D but doesn't want a relationship with me either. He has told me the dreaded "I am not in love with you." It gets < after we started seeing the 1st councellor things were initially getting a little bit better. I had stopped calling him and was trying very hard not to bother him about his whereabouts. He was intially coming home early from work. Then oneday I was between clinics and home for lunch. He asked if he could go to the gym. He was gone for 11/2hrs and then later that night I get a call from my cousin who tells me she saw him down in the seedy part of town but he was with an asian girl. Not holding hands not talking but clearly walking together. She said hello and he said hi back but didn't stop. Not his usual behaviour-he is a very friendly person and this would just be so rude not to stop. she said he went into coffee shop and so did the girl. She waited outside and then decided to go in but he was gone and she didn't see the girl either. I confronted him and he immediately told me that he had gone to place a bet. As for the girl...there was no girl! He denyed it and then said that there were people in the parking lot and he can't help it if someone was walking along side him. My uncle has then come out and said that he has seen my H with an asian girl and they were walking holding hands in a mall that my H would never go to. He said at first he didn't think it was him but then when he looked again he is sure it was. Again I don't have concrete evidence but 2 diffent people seeing him with what sounds to be the same woman. It shouldn't matter but my H is asain and I am caucasian. I don't know why it bothers me so much the race of this woman but maybe it is b/c he never had an interest in being with someone of his own culture. He even gave that remark when I told him who he had been seen with. Again I am not going to be naive about this. I am assuming he is having an affair. It would explain a lot of the behaviour but at the same time I wonder who would put up with seeing someone btwn hrs of 3-6am? Also why continue to deny at this point? It makes no sense. Just tell the truth! He has a blackberry as well that he is always on and he is very secretive about it. He will not let me touch it and it is password protected so I can't get into it.
I started seeing a new therapist. Didn't tell my H but was on vacation last week together and so I told him that I was going out. He asked where I was going and so I told him. He didn't say anything. after I returned he asked how it went. I was shocked that he even asked and he didn't say anything nasty. We always go to montreal at this time of year for our anniversary and Jazz festival. I had asked a couple of times if we were going to still go. He said that if I wanted to go then we would go. He went out after I got back from councellors to get oil changed for car and when he came back he had bought himself a brazil jacket and our D a brazil t-shirt and had bought me a canada olympic jacket. I took this to be a good sign. That night I asked again about montreal and he said he would book hotel in the AM. I went out the next am and did some errands. I ended up buying a gift for him for our anniversary. I came home and he was out. I saw the computer was on and internet was up. We were trying to remember the name of a hotel and I could see he had been searching so I started to search myself. I then went to open a new tab and realized that the tab was on a site...emedicine.com "thoughts of suicide". He had been searching about suicide. When he came home we went for a walk together with our D and when we were getting ready to leave he said "Come on J take a walk with daddy b/c maybe he won't be here one day to walk with you". I also noticed that when he crossed the street he was practically running in front of the cars that were trying to turn. He did book the hotel before we left for the walk and that night he packed his bag. We were going to leave in the morning but then he went out that night and didn't come home until 4? 5?am I am not sure anymore b/c I have become so exhausted that I am finally just sleeping through it. Next morning I get everything ready and we are waiting for him to get up. I keep nagging and asking him to get up. He finally does and then our D was nasty to him...she is 2 so you can imagine they can be brutal at times. He starts pacing around the house and I can tell he doesn't want to go. I finally ask what is wrong and he says he is thinking whether he wants to go. He gets in his car and takes off and tells me not to call him. I am devastated. 45min later he comes back and we go. Later in the car he says why couldn't I take the hint that he did't want to go. He is angry with me. The trip down was treacherous. He wouldn't stop and our D had peed through everything and was sitting in a puddle of pee and he still wouldn't stop. She was crying and got so worked up that she vomitted. He still wouldn't stop! It was horrible. Finally he stopped and I spent the next 45min cleaning her car seat and trying to dry it for the remainder of the trip. I don't know what is wrong with him. He is taking his anger out on our D now and I am starting to wonder if he is competant as a father. When we were in montreal things were good. Our D was really good so that really helped. The only thing lacking was again no affection. to the point that he had a pillow placed between us in the bed. It is so hurtful and especially there b/c we honeymooned there and ended up staying in the same hotel. It has always been a romantic setting for us and he wouldn't even hold my hand. Fireworks on canada day and our anniversary and no hug no kiss no arm around the shoulder....nothing. He wouldn't even open the gift that i got him and wouldn't open the card. When i mentioned the card he said to me "like that is going to change anything. Do you really think that I care? Do you think that it matters at all?" This is after being in montreal for 2 days and having a good time. I guess I shouldn't have gotten the gift and I shouldn't have gotten the card. I ended up ripping the card up in front of him and told him he would never have to read it or know what it said. In fact I had gotten something really light and humerous. I didn't get the usual gushy card that I would normally get. We came back on saturday and it was a good ride back despite some impending car trouble with the radiator. As soon as we got back though he put all the clothes away, started laundry while i was cleaning up in the house and then he went out. We got in a 10pm and he was out the door at 12am to "play poker with guys from work". I don't know if this is the truth or not and I never see a phone call from anyone. If he was txting or calling someone it was either at a rest stop when he went to the bathroom or in line when he was getting food at a rest stop. He didn't look at the phone once while we were driving. He is just so secretive and then tells me he is going out 1min before he is about to leave. I hate it. He also leaves at a time where he knows that I will be home and have no intention of going out so I can't leave and force him to stay home unless I go somewhere and don't come home at all. Okay I think that is more than enough information for now. I am sorry that it is so long winded. I don't really know what I should do at this point or if my marriage is salvagable. He is still living at home and we still sleep in the same bed for the most part.

Any advice at this time would be helpful. How can I get him to be honest about the girl? He said in councelling that there was no OW.