Honey, you don't have to describe your sadness here. We know it too.
In regards to the hi/bye thing at exchanges, I'd leave it alone. That'll show him it bothers you and you know what he ends up doing when he learns of new ways to push your buttons... Maybe use S to model the polite behavior you're wishing for. Cheerfully say, "Junior, tell Daddy bye-bye." or whatever is appropriate for the situation. Then you can gloat of being the bigger, more adult person there.
Stay strong Hope!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Thanks Freckle. I have been doing this for a year now! And I'm tired of being the one to say "Hi H" and "good bye H" hoping he'll pick up the pattern. Now it's time for me to realize he wont change and just work on detaching and not letting it get me down.
And you're right. I don't want to hand him any excuse to push my buttons. Or at least show him they're pushed lol.
I am sorry to read that you are now D. I am sorry I have been so wrapped up in my own sitch that I have let allot of my friends here slide. Everythng is meant "to Be" Life WILL be good for you I know it. Take care Doc.... A fellow Californian
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Well I'm a DB failure. My H says he will not go to MC any more. He continues to be verbally abusive to both me and my son. He absolutely won't hear me on any of this about how damaging it is to me and my son. It is very scary and very depressing. I have no other choice but to go to a lawyer and fight and it will be ugly. I'm terrified and very depressed about all of this.
Going dark has given me more peace but has allowed my H to act as insensitively as he wishes with no repercussions. I don't know what to do but this is just the worse possible outcome I think.
Well I'm a DB failure. My H says he will not go to MC any more. He continues to be verbally abusive to both me and my son. He absolutely won't hear me on any of this about how damaging it is to me and my son. It is very scary and very depressing. I have no other choice but to go to a lawyer and fight and it will be ugly. I'm terrified and very depressed about all of this.
Remind yourself of the definition of DB- working on yourself so that you get stronger and happier, while leaving the possibility open for reconciliation. You aren't failing at this, you're doing a lot of work towards it. If he isn't willing to do his work to reconcile now, that is not a failure on your part- it's his, and also his loss. And I see in your posts that you've become stronger and focused on you and S over the past months, which is success.
I understand your fear- and the best way to combat that or at least be able to sit with it- is what you already know: information and detaching. Information on how you can support yourself and S (emotionally and financially), on your legal options, etc. Detaching more than ever so H has less and less power to get to you and hurt you guys.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Going dark has given me more peace but has allowed my H to act as insensitively as he wishes with no repercussions. I don't know what to do but this is just the worse possible outcome I think.
So.... have you analyzed why you think this is and if there are any adjustments you're in control of that you think might calm things a bit? Or is this escalating behavior of his the natural result of being "ignored" or not being able to get to you as much? B/c you know- they get very agitated when you refuse to engage or go dark b/c that's where their power was coming from- having an effect on YOU. When it stops working, the roaring, petulant, angry child comes out with a vengeance. And it escalates briefly, before ramping back down. So, Hope, it could be that it IS working, and you are seeing the first stage of reaction.
I think there is something in between you having peace with bad behavior and having no peace but better behavior. I think there are ways to have "consequences" or expectations of better behavior from him. I would meet him outside the house next time, with S inside and have a calm adult conversation where you say "I'm sorry, but you won't be invited into the house again if you're unable to act in a respectful manner." Or whatever words you feel comfortable with. If you need to, have a friend with you when you say it. Can you do that Hope? Tell us your fears around that, and the things your mind is whispering about why you couldn't or what terrible things will happen if you do- and we'll help you with them.
(((((H4L))))
-A
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Hope, it sounds like your H isn't hearing you at all. Any chance of working on a coparenting plan with him? Getting some objective outside input on what is right for your S and how you and your H can work on that? It might make a difference if he hears it from an outside party. Also, it might help you to identify what issues absolutely need to be addressed and what issues you can let slide...I get the sense that you are very triggered in this situation and having trouble sorting out where to take a stand. A psychologist could help with this. I know that you want to gain some power in the divorce process, but if it does get ugly it's unlikely to be in your S's long-term best interest.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Alice, I have stated the boundaries endless times. H laughs them off, "forgets", blames me back ( I "made him" or I "do it too") and I"m tired of the disrespect. YOu see? I can try to figure out my fears and post them here - good idea, let me think on it. HOwever, I believe he will only respect legal force, but I"m hoping it won't come to that. I have no consequences that he cares about any more. He treats me how he wants to treat me and then defends his own behavior and repeats it. I'm on a verbal abuse support board too and this is standard, typical behavior. No matter what you do, they are nasty - if you god dark they could use that as an excuse, if you engage they can use that as an excuse. At this point my darkness is purely to protect myself from emotional harm. It is S's emotional safety I'm worried about at this time.
FM, that is exactly what I have been doing and H is still hostile. He can't discuss coparenting when I am the only one with a problem and he's pushing through bully tactics and legal threats to have his way or the high way. We have been in MC as basically a mediator since Dec and H has promptly forgotten every bit of advice give, including things that make S's life more calm, peaceful and happy. I have gone that route and if he is determined to fight instead of listen and comprimise and communicate on basic civil terms about our son I'm wasting time and money and will only chose a lawyer. I just hate it.
Things are much worse for S than before H left and I am working internally on my resentment of this - how it will definitely affect my son's personality development for the rest of his life (yes, I'm a developmental psychologist and have strong opinions on this.
Ah, ok. Now I see. If you've got that level of verbal abuse and passive-aggressiveness, then you're right, it's kind of a no-win situation. do you think if you had S go to his house (or is he now? I thought you tried that before but can't remember....) and you weren't present, that things would be any better for S? What do the verbal abuse experts say about co-parenting visits, neutral 3rd party hand-offs, etc. or do they have any suggestions?
Is it a possibility to ask your L to file a motion with the court to have a child advocate/specialist come in to evaluate things? Now, of course H will be on best behavior then, but they may talk to S, too. And I know you have all sorts of issues then if S is scared of saying bad things about dad, but this isn't the first time they've seen this, so I'm sure they have ways of getting at the truth. Then either H would respond to this b/c he doesn't to anything else, or the court would help you create a safe plan for S in terms of visitation, etc. Is this an option?
I know L is your last option and you don't want to do that, but if MC isn't possible and co-parenting therapist person isn't either, I'm not sure what other choices you have left to you. And it sounds like things are just getting worse, so I am concerned about you acting sooner rather than later----
((((Hope))))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
