My husband just walked in after going shopping to get stuff to barbecue tonight. And guess what he had, roses. He doesn't do this every week, but he does it most Sundays. Probably about 30 Sundays a year. And it's something that I appreciate. He doesn't help much around the house, and I hated that about him. But now that he does this, I feel a lot better about him.
Flowers & gifts work for Lotus.....but if that is not your W's love language, then it is not going to be romantic for her. It doesn't do much for me and seems like a lazy way out of using one's brain..... (Sorry Lotus)
A man being romantic, to me, doesn't mean gifts. I like for him to put some thought into doing something special for both of us. For me, it would be wonderful if my H would make plans for a get-away (without me having to do it). If he would take me to the beach at night when the moon is bright, or have a private, candlelit meal on the roof-top of a tall building, or go sailing, or dancing......any of those things would be romantic to me. However, like I said, you need to know what your W enjoys. What works for one woman does not necessarily mean it does for all women.
If money is tight (which I don't know that's the case with you) and you are out for gifts or romantic dinners.....she might get upset at that, IDK. But men can do things that are not expensive and it can still be romantic. Go on Internet and type in "Cheap romantic ideas".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Everytime someone has taken me sailing they have gotten stuck out at sea. Bring me roses, lingerie, or candles. No need to risk my life for romance.
I had a friend whose husband took her to Sonic and got hot dogs and then they ate them as they went through the car wash. She talked about that for a week!
As I think about it, today was a good example of how my husband and I have learned to get along. For years, I resented being the Cinderella in my house, the one who cleaned up after everyone else. This was my big complaint when we went to Retrouvaille and they asked us to talk about how we felt during our times of trouble. My husband is still the same man who for 28 years was content to have me pick up and clean up after him. But he has made some changes. For example, he brought home the roses, $9.99 at the grocery store and gave them to me with a kiss. I cleaned the kitchen in the middle of the day, then went out shopping. He cooked dinner- barbecued steak, boiled corn and a salad. While we ate, I told him how much I enjoy his barbecue and commented on the unusual choice of ingredients in the salad. After dinner, I went to read threads on the internet, and I heard him cleaning up in the kitchen (that's odd). After a few minutes, he came into the study and said, "I know some people can clean a kitchen better than I did, but I cleaned up some". And I said, "Thanks, I appreciate that." Now, the kitchen is still messy after his efforts. But I acknowledge what he does and thank him for it. And I appreciate getting the flowers. I don't mind cleaning up after him because: a. he acknowledged that he was leaving work for me; and b. he put forth a little effort; and c. he remembered that I like flowers and brought them for me.
This is how a good marriage functions. We acknowledge each others' efforts and recognize them, saying thank you. We have learned to act this way with each other rather than nit-pick and criticize and it has made for a much happier marriage.
Sorry for the lack of updates. The last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. At times things are looking up and then the momentum shifts to D. W has done some looking into lawyers but as far as I know hasn't made contact. She is still very doubtful that I can be the loving husband she needs. She wants to move out west later in the year and I don't think she can or will do it without my assistance. She desnt want me around at times yet needs me around to get where she wants to go. I know she is "using" me but I can't help but thinkng that it's my window to show her I can provide the love she needs.
Another issue is that she went and told all of our friends that she was leaving me and I think most of them consider her the "bad guy" now. I'm not sure what her intentions where but it seems like it backfired. The problem is I know that she is hurt and I know my lack of physical love made her that way. Other people don't know all the details and she is unfairly characterized as a bad person. I think when she realizes that our friends are "on my side", she will retreat even more and distance herself.
I really love her and I admit that my behavior was pretty bad and it has caused alot of pain.
I hear and feel your position all the way, I have felt in your shoes with my Fiance. I felt like he would never go and that he was suppose to be there as I was. With this I feel like my actions showed that I took him for granted. But now I am improving myself and seeing our codependency for one another was the barrier I placed in front of myself to not go forward or commit and routinely discipline myself.
All the faith to you I know where you are in the feelings of guilt and going back and forth with how and who you were, but this forum has been helping me re-juice every time I find myself doubting who I was.
I am scared too but I have to accept the Universe has been telling me this all along and as I wasn't listening by repeating the same bad habits and going back to the same ol' situations. Now the rug that has been pulled out from under me has allowed me to bump my head and see what is in front of me as it has been screaming to be taken care of this whole time.
Me:25 fiance :29 about to be 30 in Sept. together: just about 7.5 years situation: separated 2.5 months
(Sorry Lotus)