Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

Again, I am so grateful for this support! I get so overwhelmed with emotion some days and yesterday was one of the first where I actually thought I was suffocating - literally drowning in all of this. I don't want my kids to see me that way and I try to reserve those moments for when they are out of the house. Once it hits me though - wow, the grief and heartache just pour out of me. Thankfully I have two super friends who pick up the phone when I call and listen to my craziness.

I have spent the weekend trying to answer my Ds questions - because nothing makes sense to them. And they have come to realize, as have I, that the real answer is that H does not want ME in his life. He will come up with every excuse in the book as to why it won't work when the truth of the matter is that he doesn't want me to succeed. He wants someone and something different.

I have to pick myself up from this pit and move forward. He has done SO many heinous things to me over the past few years and every time he knocks me down I bounce right back up and keep trying to change or fix things to make them better. I think that actually has frustrated him over the years because I'm a "never give up" or "make the best of any situation" type of person - and I wonder sometimes if he's been like "damn, what will it take for her to get out?" He's cheated, humiliated, chastised, rejected, etc. - and I'm still here! WTH?????

My saying this does not mean I'm not standing for my marriage. I believe in the vows that I took 25 years ago / I am committed to fulfilling those vows. I will not file for D. I may, since he is gone, need to file for a Legal Separation in order to protect my S and myself from his erratic behaviors. But beyond that - I am not moving legally towards anything else.

I am heartsick beyond belief - (as if you all didn't know this:)) - but I MUST move forward. My plan for the rest of this month is to not see H at all until the last week in July for S's tournament in Florida. I will send one text each morning with S's itinerary and I will not initiate any other communication. If H initiates communication regarding S - I will limit responses to one or two word responses. I will not engage in any other communication with him on any other topic.

During this time, I will practice extreme self care:) I will allow myself to sleep more and not push myself to overachieve on anything. Will simply slow down and be kind to myself, my kids, my friends, and my extended family. I will think about each upcoming month and what I would like to establish as small goals for myself.

I have made it through this weekend - albeit scarred - but I'm still standing (with bent knees-but standing!)

Thanks!