Nothing fits

[ClingingToHope]

I agree with Kat. STBXW and I always avoided being direct and asking for what we wanted and now here we are.

On her phonoe calls when she needs help and as yammering on and on I no longer volunteer to help. This last call, same pattern so I finally said, "What are you asking for?"

You are so direct on the site. It might be the thing to get you past this mountain.

[oldtimer]

Nothing in what you wrote suggests to me that it was not OW-related.

Did you say to him, anything like: "Hey, I feel uneasy and scared. It would help me a lot if you share with me roughly what is going on. Let me in. If it involves OW, let's trust that we can work through that together. Let's not hide from each other, OK?"

[mishka422]

No. I say nothing to him about it. I'm too scared to. Totally my problem and I can't work my way through it. Honestly, I've tried and tried and come up with dialogue on my head of what I want to say to him and then when I'm face to face with him I can't do it! It sickens me. Of course, I've never been able to stand up for myself in my entire life so why should it start now? I'm trying.....really I am.

I went to my cousin's house yesterday for the 4th and for her son's 21st birthday. Since it was Sunday we can't buy alcohol in the state of GA so we had to stock up for the party on Saturday. Well....we went a little nuts on the stocking up. LOL. Way too many options in the booze department. A friend of mine had suggested that instead of jello shooters (which are horribly messy to make) we make rummy gummies. That would be gummie bears soaked in rum. They become these fat little alcohol soaked critters that pack a serious whollup. If you're ever looking for a fast kick, this will do it! 3 of those suckers and I couldn't get home for a while. Since I had to wait it out in order to get home it made me late getting back. I had told Gabe I would go to a particular store with him and he was very aggrivated with me when I wasn't there when he got home. I told him I couldn't make it back right then but would be home as soon as it was safe to drive. His response was one of those "whatever" comments that lets you know someone is pissed at you. Well heck! How did I know that 3 little gummie bears would do that!!!

Got home. He was sitting on the couch watching the "Capitol 4th" on PBS with my mom - weird..he hates that stuff. Of course, he was ignoring me entirely and even when I spoke directly to him I only got a grunt. I went to my bedroom and he followed me a minute later asking if I was planning on going to the store with him. I told him yes, I wanted to go. I didn't end up buzzed on purpose just to avoid going or anything. He relaxed right then and was just fine from then on. WTF was that???????????????

On a totally different, and infinitely more interesting note .....have any of you ever gotten a $1 bill (or any other denomination) with www.wheresgeorge.com stamped on it? If you do, definitely go to the website and check it out. It's really kind of fun. You plug in the series and serial number of the bill and it will show you all the places that particular bill has been tracked by people. Gabe and I have made it our newest hobby. He works in a convenience store and handles money all day and usually gets one of these a day. We tracked one last night and then he called me today from the store with another number to check out. It had been tracked from 2008 to now and started tracking in PA and then went to NJ and then to FL and now here in GA. It tracks the miles traveled, how many days since it first was tracked and how many miles per day on average that is. Fun thing to do with kids too!!!

[whatisis]

No. I say nothing to him about it. I'm too scared to. Totally my problem and I can't work my way through it. Honestly, I've tried and tried and come up with dialogue on my head of what I want to say to him and then when I'm face to face with him I can't do it! It sickens me. Of course, I've never been able to stand up for myself in my entire life so why should it start now? I'm trying.....really I am.

You should try and be harder on yourself, Mish
Honestly, "It sickens me", "I can't do it", "I've never been able to stand up for myself my entire life who why should it start now" Those ain't happy thoughts nor are they helping you to get to where you want to be. Firstly, "I can't do it" is "I choose not to do it at this time" and you've never stood up for yourself ever in your life? I think that's an exaggeration, don't you. We all have certain situations that make us tongue tied but there are many others where we do speak up. I'm sure you have to. Now, what is it about talking with Gabe that makes you feel this way? What is your worst case scenario if Mish speaks up? What do you fear will happen? What is the evidence that this will happen? What would you do if it did happen...Is your fear of what might happen likely or even rational? Think about it.

[kat727]

If you want things to change, you have to be willing to change yourself.

kat

[oldtimer]

Use email (not text.) You can compose it and click send.

[oldtimer]

You have a responsibility to yourself and Marc not to self-sabotage.

[karen43]

Mish, my vote for what that's worth is for slow. I don't think you need to bare your soul yet or have really deep conversations unless Gabe starts them. What's more important is what you think though. I also don't think you should ever let yourself be motivated by fear; bad way to make choices and decisions, but the way I always used to be. I have zero experience with piecing, but I know I've seen in a dozen places around here, that they say if you do work on piecing, that going slow is very important. I don't see the need to rush. I do think the boundary-setting you've been doing is good. I think you've changed so much from a few years ago when I first "met" you here. You seem much stronger, confident, and happier than then.

[mishka422]

You are totally right OT, I do have a responsibility to self-advocate and I'm trying.

There was some major intensity last night. Gabe got a new phone (an iphone - I'm totally jealous but his phone broke and he got a great deal so I can't be too upset) and we were working on updating his contacts and figuring the thing out. Well, he handed me the phone to see why his email wasn't coming in. I hit his contact list and low and behold who's name is there? The broom. I handed him the phone, told him I didn't know why it wasn't working and then I shut down. I stewed for about 20 minutes and then he asked what was wrong. I was rattling through my brain all these different ways of saying this without being accusatory or defensive so finally I said, "While I was working on your phone I saw that you still have Kelli's number in your contact list. I told you that if we were going to try to grow this R then you can not have any contact with her. That would include erasing her number from your phone. If you are not ready to erase her number then you aren't ready to let go of her and that is fine, but I need you to be honest with me about it." He immediately got defensive and angry and blathered on about not even talking to her anymore, he doesn't see what the big deal is, he'll erase it. I don't believe him. I told him I don't trust him on this based on past actions and I won't apologize for my feelings. He was seething and sitting with his back to me and had turned the light out so I couldn't see his face. I was afraid to bring up the whole, "call her and tell her not to contact you ever again" thing. I should have, it was a good opportunity but it was charged in there that I was afraid he might explode.

All this says to me is that he is not over her, not even close, not matter what he says. I deserve to be treated better and given more respect but I've trained him to treat me like this for 20 years. Getting anything different from him now is just impossible.

Around and around the merry-go-round. I'm tired and dizzy and I really want to get off.

How do I do that?

[whatisis]

You never stand up for yourself,eh?! You did great! His response was pretty much exactly what I and anyone else would expect, except you. Now, because he was angry and defensive you've turned that into he's not over her, not by far...I think he reacted like a spouse who got told! Pat yourself on the back and DON'T start catastrophizing. Again, yeah Mish!