Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks guys, you are all awesome! it's so nice to see all the support...

So the song is 'Not Afraid' by Eminem. I like a couple of his songs but not something I typically listen to.

In regard to the household stuff, thanks for all the great suggestions and I'll definitely keep them all in mind.

@OF, I thought I put on a hard shell and felt I was doing OK. When you say it doesn't look like it happened are you referring to how I acted when she was here going through the household stuff? If so, as I said I still don't know how else I should've acted.

I agree with you on the memories part but I just don't want her to ever think or say 'Dad you didn't even come to my b.day parties'. But to pretend in front of a dozen families that we're a family is just damn hard for someone like me who's not good at faking stuff. I can see me trying to keep my distance from STBXW and being there like one of the guests. DD was saying yesterday that she's going to have a big party for her b.day and all her friends will be there etc. Then later she asked me something and then said 'or I won't invite you to my party'...I thought to myself 'jeez now I'm a guest that gets invited to my own DD's b.day' of course, she said it in a funny/kid's way but that hurt.

@TH, you're right and yes I've decided to let her go. I don't think she's coming back and if she did I don't think I can trust her to not leave again in the future whenever the heck she feels like it. It's now about really acting n that decision and making it stick.

@figs, FM, CTH- all great suggestions, thank you!!

@wii, sorry you went through that...I'm glad I didn't have to separate a lot of things but I did do a few boxes full of stuff and then helped carry the heavy stuff to her car. I didn't want to but I didn't want her carrying that stuff as a common courtesy. It was a strange feeling but I'd done it once before too.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Yesterday was good, took DD to watch the parade. It was hot but she had fun. On the way back to the car (had to park far) she was running and slipped. Scraped her knee pretty good and cried. So got home and put some ointment on it but then she started wailing about mommy and she wanted mommy. Won't let me put a band-aid on it. Broke my heart in a million pieces. I told her she could call mommy and tell her about her owie but she said no and kept crying with full-on tears and everything. I just held her tight in my arms and finally just dialed STBXW's cell...and got her voicemail. Gave her some juice etc, convinced her to let me put on the Hello Kitty bandaid and she was OK. Then decided to go to a party with her...it was good. She got to play with other kids and stuff. Got home around 6pm...was a long day and I was tired. Fixed dinner and we both went to bed early. Won't have her tonight for the fireworks...

7AM STBX text (she never even returned the call): What time are you bringing her over
Me: You can come pick her up when you want
Her: OK
Her again: be there before 9
Me: Good

[ImprovedRomeo]

She came and took DD.

She said 'my house is totally empty now, I can ride my bike in there'. Her roommate moved out. Then she started complaining about her roommate how she left all the junk for her to clean, vaccum the house after the roommate's dogs etc etc.

I just said 'hmmm...weird'. In fact, I'll bet she wanted me to drop DD off so I could see her empty house. What? she wants me to feel sorry for her? give her a shoulder to cry on? She still doesn't show any emotions whatsoever it's like talking to a guy at work...

She petted one cat, the other one saw her and took off running...she just made a sad face and said 'aww' - I got a little satisfaction out of that...and hearing her sob story about the roommate leaving the mess behind which is really NOTHING compared to what she's put me through as I'm sure most of you guys understand.

Mountains of D paperswork to do, no big plans for today or tomorrow. Oh I got the Complete Single Father book that I'd ordered so I'll spend sometime reading it.

[kat727]

Can you get together with some friends and blow some stuff up ?? I think it could be quite beneficial. . Have a great day, I'll be thinking good thoughts for you today.

kat

[antlers]

She still doesn't show any emotions whatsoever it's like talking to a guy at work...

That's because she's detatched. She's let go. And it's someting we gotta continue to do ourselves until we get there too. I know the feeling very well that you're experiencing.

[whatisis]

Everybody gets through this in their own way. Some spouses get really ugly and lash out (e.g. FLTC's wife), others just shut down like Romeo's. I don't agree that they've necessarily let go, but they've shut down the feeling part...at least around you! Just like us, one day they'll have to deal with the pain and right now may not be the time. If they don't, then it will come out in other ways later on. This is such hard sh!t to go through, you've got to keep your head on straight for the legal and family stuff yet you're supposed to feel and go through the grief process. It's tough. Also, don't just suppose that because she's the ice lady around you that she isn't bawling her eyes out when she drives around the corner from you. You don't know. We often think when they're so detached that we meant nothing to them. Don't do that to yourself, just think "this is her way of getting through this", nothing more and nothing less.

[ClingingToHope]

Whatisis, I really hope that there's some small part of STBXW where I mean something to her. I don't see it or she doesn't let me see it.

[newmama]

Romeo, just catching up. I have been reading the co-parenting divorce book that Flowmom recommends. It see it more as a book about how children react to divorce and what we can do to help them.
"How to Help Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way" by Gary Neuman

ANyway, he does say that if the kids want to have both of their parents at a special event, like their birthday, it is a good idea to comply. He said even if it is only for part of the time. He said we could agree to leave boyfriends/girlfriends out of it.

So that surprised me. And I remember sharing my 2 cents with you about your DD's b-day, saying that I think it would give her false hope to see her parents together. But due to the expert's opinion, I'm changing my mind.

About your exW being all nice and friendly...I wonder if they ALL do that? Out of guilt? But it is insulting to me! Like my stbxh is minimizing what he is doing and trying to make it like "no big deal" Case in point- how your exW is sharing her "sob story" about her roommate!! Give me a break! It really is ALL ABOUT THEM isn't it? grrr!

Please share info from your book when something stands out. I hope it is useful for you.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks guys!!! I so appreciate your comments, even though I don't feel like I have the motivation to write. I write in spurts and then all this ruminating makes me numb and I don't know what to write and what to leave out. But I like reading your guys comments, there are nuggets of wisdom everywhere and some 2x4s which are always welcome.

Right now I'm struggling with the D paperwork I have to provide. Did you guys really provide month-by-month statements of various banks accounts for the last 3-5 years? I'm thinking of saying 'if they need any particular month/bank I'll provide them on as-per-needed basis' - don't think it'll work?

It's a full time job collecting 12 statements for 5 years times 6 or 7 accounts. Not sure how to get out of it.

[whatisis]

Romeo, my wife and I passed on doing the financials (not that you should) to save money and time. We were both confident the other did not have stashes of cash anywhere. My lawyer wasn't thrilled but I was the boss. So other than that, I can be of now help to you on this!
Btw, isn't ruminating a joy! I can never figure out why I do it. I have some theories 1) I think I'm gonna figure it all out by thinking repetively 2) It's familiar, easy to do. The brain doesn't care what you put through it as long as you put something through it! 3) I think there's a belief that if I worry and ruminate then I'm protecting myself from something coming up and biting me in the butt. 4) I may just be insane...still runinating over that one though.