He may come to you today with a bunch of empty promises, or half-baked attempts at an apology. This is what I'd lke you to say to him:
"I'm afraid it's no longer that easy. I have a lot of thinking to do."
If he asks you what YOU'RE thinking, who you've told, who you're GOING to tell, have you talked an atty., etc. (and he WILL, certainly, hound you about some of these things in the next 24-72 hours), tell him "I'm not sure what I think yet. We'll talk more in a few days, I'm sure. I have some things I need to get taken care of first."
If he PUSHES you for which way the wind is blowing, WALK AWAY (or end the convo if it's by phone). If need be, say "Frankly I don't think you're in any position to be pestering me for my thinking, do you?"
DON'T MOPE. Be confident, strong, but not pollyanna. If he asks you how you're coping, say "Remarkably, I'm OK considering what you've done. I'll be fine; I just have some thinking to do."
Finally, if he asks you "What will it take?" or "What do I need to do?", even though you may have your "list" done, don't give it to him yet. Say "I don't know what I want to do yet -- we'll talk more in a few days" (see above). If you want to, you can tell him "This is your mess; I'm not going to tell you how to clean it up" -- this can be good because SOMETIMES it can motivate the cheating spouse to go above-and-beyond to SHOW you their remorse, and -- if he does -- that's much better than you having to give him your list (you can always fill in anything he misses).
Make sense? DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM IN "R" TALKS THIS WEEKEND -- come here first!!!
Wow, I just finished the actual confrontation and it did not go as I had thought. I spoke with the OW husband first and let him know. He was upset, as I am I that they were actually having a sexual affair (we knew it was emotional for some time), but agreed to talk to his wife tonight too.
Well my husband came home and I told him we needed to talk. Almost immediately his phone rang and it was her. She probably told him that her husband told her he knew about the affair. Anyway, I told him to give me five minutes to say what I wanted to say and to not interrupt me. I told him I knew about the affair, it needed to stop and if not he needed to be out of the house. I told him when he was out of the house there would be no contact between us except e-mails about visitation for the kids etc. I told him I loved him and I wanted this affair to stop so we could work on us.
He asked how I knew it was sexual and I told him I had seen some of their IMing and saw him say he loves to be inside her and her respond that she loves to have him inside her. He was really quiet. He did try to say that we had problems outside of her and I told him that all of our problems were and are fixable, if he is not involved in an emotional or physical affair with her. He then said he had many things to say but didn't know which ones to say. I asked if any of them were "I am ending the affair and will stop destroying our family and am willing to recommit to working on us"? and he said he wasn't sure.
I totally expected denial, denial, denial and for him to say I love her and we are soul mates and I won't give her up for you. He did ask that if he decided to stay, if I would hold this over him forever. I said no, that once we worked through this affair it would be forgiven, but it was unrealistic for it to be forgotten. He also asked if I hated him, I said no, I loved him but I hated this behavior and the choices he has made. He then said "I should have waited." and I said "what to start having sex with her when you were still married?" and he said yes. Finally I asked if he wanted to say anything else, because once I went to bed I did not want to speak with him again until he had broken off the affair. He said no. I then told him that if he wanted to talk to the OW he needed to leave the house and he agreed.
So. How did I do?
waterbur
Now that...THAT is how a WOMAN deals with her man! I am so happy for you - that you summoned the clarity, the vision, the strength and intellect to approach this like a grown woman should.
Well done. I highlighted my favorite parts.
Your dignity, your self-respect, just shine.
Greek
Last edited by Greek; 07/02/1002:25 PM.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I'm sure it wasn't easy but it sounds like you held your own. Now that you've told him you won't engage in conversation other than as related to the children, stick to it. This is not the time to back slide. Remember that actions speak louder than words, both his and yours.
I second all of Puppy's ensuing advice. It is good to take this time to figure these things out because it will come back to you in the future. You're still vulnerable to the emotional roller coaster so best to have a plan in place first.
Have a good time with your family this weekend. Take some time to figure out what you want but also make time to have some fun.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Well, he said he is cutting off all contact with the OW, but he still wants a divorce. That all his reasons for divorce are still there. And he won't move out of the house because his lawyer told him not to if he wants to retain joint custody. And it was so confusing because he was being so nice, holding me, talking with me about everything.
I don't know what to do now. Try and live separate lives here in the house and do no contact as much as possible, try and live nicely together in the hopes that he will change his mind about the divorce now that he doesn't have contact with her?
It sounds to me like he's telling you that so that you won't have any EXPECTATIONS of him (no-contract, transparency, boundaries, etc.).
When he tells you he's cutting off contact with OW, ask him to send her a no-contact letter and be transparent with you, as long as you're still living in the same house. Then watch him back away from that REAL quick. If he DOES (balk, that is), tell him "well, it's obvious you're lying to me. If you're going to divorce me anyway, the LEAST you could do would be to be HONEST with me."
Oh I totally expect the no contact to be a short term thing. I think he is breaking it off for now, while we negotiate all the stuff for the divorce (custody, spousal support etc) and once all that is worked out he is moving out of the house and will pick back up with her.
Well, I had a lot of time to think this weekend and last night I made a decision. I told him we needed to talk and this is what I said:
I can't live in the same house with you anymore. When I see you I think about how much I love you and how I wish this wasn't happening. When you are nice to me, I get my hopes up that we can reconcile. I have had hope that we could work things out since this all started in January, but as of now all hope is dead. We can have dinner with the kids in the evenings (ages 3 & 6), but other than that I don't want to have any contact with you whatsoever. Talk to your lawyer and figure out what paperwork we need to sign to get you out of this house. I'm done.
And I took of my wedding ring and set it on the table next to him and left.
We haven't spoken since. He slept in the spare room last night and didn't even come down to see the kids this morning before we left.
I have plans to go to a friend's house for the evening tonight, basically as soon as he walks in I will be walking out the door.
It feels good to detach. I feel like I have some control again. I don't want to think about him all the time and worry about what signals he is sending, etc.
If it's authentic (genuine), then who are we to argue? It's how you feel, and what you have decided.
Good for you for standing up for yourself!
Now, DON'T SIGN ANYTHING just yet. Let him do all of the work. And don't MOPE around him, or come across as bitter or cruel -- just be civil, even a little upbeat (but not annoyingly so). Get some new clothes, and some new cologne, and GAL.
At the time it was incredibly difficult. And I still tear up when I look at my left hand and see the impression the ring I have been wearing for 11 years has left. But I am ready to detach, let go. I've been reading the "Letting go" postings on these boards and taking heart from them that this will be the best thing for ME. And if at some point in the future it turns out to be good for the relationship, great, but for now I need some control of myself and this situation. And sitting around waiting for him to change his mind while I play the good wife doesn't sit well with me anymore. Not in a nasty, vindictive way, but in a self preservation way. I have dignity and I'm going to express that now.
I think I will have no problem being upbeat in his presence - I have been doing that since early May when I started DBing. He is going to get a little nasty when I tell him certain things - like I'm not doing your laundry anymore - but I plan on simply saying "that's not what divorced people do" and leave it at that. NO MORE CAKE!!!
