The first time I was here, I kicked H out, told him to leave if he was so unhappy; he wanted the D, but I worked at the marriage and wanted him back. DB'd... we got back together... despite me knowing he hadn't really changed.
This time... I don't want to work it out.
This time I honestly don't think we're good together. I don't think I can be happy with him. I can't be me.
I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I'm just done. I've DB'd since he moved back in and tried to stay piecing. I continued to change - to my own detriment I think- and H continued to bait and play his games.
I am very neat, he's not. He said I was compulsive so I tried to not be. I tried to let things slide. His response "I never said anything when laundry went unfolded or you left your shoes out" seriously? does he want OCD? Or does he want me to not be picky.
I am a planner and a talker, he's not. When the kids or I talk to him- he remembers nothing. I mean nothing. Not even 30 minutes later. So, why bother. Then I get- "you never tell me anything". Really? I told him we were going shopping for shoes. 20 minutes later he calls and asks where we are.
He wants me to ask for help, but then 2 weeks later he still hasn't followed through, but I can't "nag" him, so I can't ask him again. Then when I do it, he gets all huffy. Or he'll get up, while I'm doing it, and begin to take over.
This was all the same before. he hasn't changed.
He's also jealous. Which is what spurred me asking for the divorce this time.
Background I didn't share before. When we began dating, I was 17 (sex not until I was past 18 and graduated HS). We were overseas. I came back to the States for college, then went back for holiday break. He proposed. We lived together until marriage when he got back to the states.
When we started dating, he knew about my previous BF. He knew that we parted as friends. He knew we never slept together. He knew I still saw him and talked to him when he came to town.
He asked numerous questions about me "getting together" with another friend of mine- which i said "no" to, it never happened- we were friends. (still are)
He mentioned hearing rumors about me while at college- getting around. I called BS, since I didn't. I thought it was done. We got married.
We split- he accused me of having an affair with a mutal friend. It never happened. I told him so (and that he was out of his mind).
While we were split, he went behing my back to my boss and said I was working too much and needed more time off, and accused him of infidelities with me. Didn't happen.
Now he has once again accused me of something. This time it's planning to have an affair. Planning. I had planned to go to a mini reunion with friends from HS. One I haven't seen in 20+ years. The other is that past BF whom I haven't seen in over 10 years. H knows we talk. H even encouraged me to see him once on a trip overseas we took 10ish years ago.
This time though H hacked into my email and sent a nasty email to my friend. The contents of which I am in the dark. Friend won't disclose and told me he wouldn't dignify it with a response.
I have never cheated. Never wanted to. H was my first and is my only.
To maybe put this in perspective..... I went to a very small, private, exclusive school overseas. We had 171 students from Kinder to 12th; and 70 countries. I had 11 in my senior class, the year before there were 3. I can go anywhere in the world and have a place to stay and friends to drink with and show me around. In my school, there were no coutry borders, we were all friends- truely regardless of race, creed, religion or nationality. We are still that way. We all still talk. We are all still friends. When we see each other, it's like no time has passed. There aren't that many people in the world like us, with experiences like ours. Everyone understands each other, because our lives are so similar. It's an instant bond.
I'm not sure if that made sense... I hope I don't sound like a snob now. I try not to tell a lot of people because it sounds immediately like I had a silver spoon in my mouth... but it's not like that. It's just hard to put into words.
Anyway- there were no plans for an affair (if I didn't sleep with him when we were dating and 16, why now?)
Now H is doing the same thing he always does- cleaning, buying the kids stuff....etc. Like "look at me, see what I'm doing....." Things he wasn't doing before, that he knows I want/need done, that he purposefully didn't do to piss me off and try to get a reaction. Now he wants praise and for me to think he's changed.
When in reality, I know everything is short lived. It always has been.
I pay the bills because he can't do it on time. I went to my parents (emergency) for 3 weeks and left him the mailbox key- told him I was leaving the key. Got back and had that nice little note from the mailman about mail piling up and being returned. He never checked it because I didn't call and tell him to. (thank goodness I use online billing and there were no bills)
He said we could go to counceling. I replied that we tried that last time- he didn't get to appointments and then stopped making his. Why should I go again? He had no answer.
This time I told he has a control issue. He has to be in charge of everything or make sure everything is the way he wants. He even tells me "shhhhhh" when I'm speaking to other people. I told him I was tired of him trying to change me into what he thinks he wants only to try and bait me into other things.
I told him he doesn't know what he wants. But now I know that I don't want my life to continue this way.
He's acting like nothing is going on. I'm on the couch.
So, my friends are catching up and partying without me, I'm at home folding laundry and H thinks everything is going to be OK.
And no, I won't stop talking to my friend. We've been friends for over 20 years. H has known all along. I've helped him though his marital problems, the loss of 2 of his kids, his divorce, his job issues.... oh and he literally lives 1/2 way around the world from me. We can't talk on the phone- I can't make or accept international calls on my cell- we have no land line.
We truely are friends and only friends. I don't make friends easily. Never have. That was part of my growing up- until I went to this school. The friends from there are the only friends from my childhood (other than 1 girlfriend from 10th grade before I moved again). Work friends.... yes, but not the same. There are students from this school I never met while at school and I can still get in touch with them and "hit it off with" when we meet now as adults....
This is so dis-com-bob-u-lated it's not even funny. And probably so hard to grasp as well- probably sounds like a fairy tale huh? Well, it pretty much was.
No, I'm not living in the past. I am fully in the present with 2 great kids and a husband who accuses me of sleeping with whomever he decides I'm sleeping with or want to sleep with.
Oh- FYI, my husband didn't have the same up bringing. He was overseas, but he was 23 and a Marine. No silver spoon in his life.
