The first time I was here, I kicked H out, told him to leave if he was so unhappy; he wanted the D, but I worked at the marriage and wanted him back. DB'd... we got back together... despite me knowing he hadn't really changed.
This time... I don't want to work it out.
This time I honestly don't think we're good together. I don't think I can be happy with him. I can't be me.
I'm not angry. I'm not upset. I'm just done. I've DB'd since he moved back in and tried to stay piecing. I continued to change - to my own detriment I think- and H continued to bait and play his games.
I am very neat, he's not. He said I was compulsive so I tried to not be. I tried to let things slide. His response "I never said anything when laundry went unfolded or you left your shoes out" seriously? does he want OCD? Or does he want me to not be picky.
I am a planner and a talker, he's not. When the kids or I talk to him- he remembers nothing. I mean nothing. Not even 30 minutes later. So, why bother. Then I get- "you never tell me anything". Really? I told him we were going shopping for shoes. 20 minutes later he calls and asks where we are.
He wants me to ask for help, but then 2 weeks later he still hasn't followed through, but I can't "nag" him, so I can't ask him again. Then when I do it, he gets all huffy. Or he'll get up, while I'm doing it, and begin to take over.
This was all the same before. he hasn't changed.
He's also jealous. Which is what spurred me asking for the divorce this time.
Background I didn't share before. When we began dating, I was 17 (sex not until I was past 18 and graduated HS). We were overseas. I came back to the States for college, then went back for holiday break. He proposed. We lived together until marriage when he got back to the states.
When we started dating, he knew about my previous BF. He knew that we parted as friends. He knew we never slept together. He knew I still saw him and talked to him when he came to town.
He asked numerous questions about me "getting together" with another friend of mine- which i said "no" to, it never happened- we were friends. (still are)
He mentioned hearing rumors about me while at college- getting around. I called BS, since I didn't. I thought it was done. We got married.
We split- he accused me of having an affair with a mutal friend. It never happened. I told him so (and that he was out of his mind).
While we were split, he went behing my back to my boss and said I was working too much and needed more time off, and accused him of infidelities with me. Didn't happen.
Now he has once again accused me of something. This time it's planning to have an affair. Planning. I had planned to go to a mini reunion with friends from HS. One I haven't seen in 20+ years. The other is that past BF whom I haven't seen in over 10 years. H knows we talk. H even encouraged me to see him once on a trip overseas we took 10ish years ago.
This time though H hacked into my email and sent a nasty email to my friend. The contents of which I am in the dark. Friend won't disclose and told me he wouldn't dignify it with a response.
I have never cheated. Never wanted to. H was my first and is my only.
To maybe put this in perspective..... I went to a very small, private, exclusive school overseas. We had 171 students from Kinder to 12th; and 70 countries. I had 11 in my senior class, the year before there were 3. I can go anywhere in the world and have a place to stay and friends to drink with and show me around. In my school, there were no coutry borders, we were all friends- truely regardless of race, creed, religion or nationality. We are still that way. We all still talk. We are all still friends. When we see each other, it's like no time has passed. There aren't that many people in the world like us, with experiences like ours. Everyone understands each other, because our lives are so similar. It's an instant bond.
I'm not sure if that made sense... I hope I don't sound like a snob now. I try not to tell a lot of people because it sounds immediately like I had a silver spoon in my mouth... but it's not like that. It's just hard to put into words.
Anyway- there were no plans for an affair (if I didn't sleep with him when we were dating and 16, why now?)
Now H is doing the same thing he always does- cleaning, buying the kids stuff....etc. Like "look at me, see what I'm doing....." Things he wasn't doing before, that he knows I want/need done, that he purposefully didn't do to piss me off and try to get a reaction. Now he wants praise and for me to think he's changed.
When in reality, I know everything is short lived. It always has been.
I pay the bills because he can't do it on time. I went to my parents (emergency) for 3 weeks and left him the mailbox key- told him I was leaving the key. Got back and had that nice little note from the mailman about mail piling up and being returned. He never checked it because I didn't call and tell him to. (thank goodness I use online billing and there were no bills)
He said we could go to counceling. I replied that we tried that last time- he didn't get to appointments and then stopped making his. Why should I go again? He had no answer.
This time I told he has a control issue. He has to be in charge of everything or make sure everything is the way he wants. He even tells me "shhhhhh" when I'm speaking to other people. I told him I was tired of him trying to change me into what he thinks he wants only to try and bait me into other things.
I told him he doesn't know what he wants. But now I know that I don't want my life to continue this way.
He's acting like nothing is going on. I'm on the couch.
So, my friends are catching up and partying without me, I'm at home folding laundry and H thinks everything is going to be OK.
And no, I won't stop talking to my friend. We've been friends for over 20 years. H has known all along. I've helped him though his marital problems, the loss of 2 of his kids, his divorce, his job issues.... oh and he literally lives 1/2 way around the world from me. We can't talk on the phone- I can't make or accept international calls on my cell- we have no land line.
We truely are friends and only friends. I don't make friends easily. Never have. That was part of my growing up- until I went to this school. The friends from there are the only friends from my childhood (other than 1 girlfriend from 10th grade before I moved again). Work friends.... yes, but not the same. There are students from this school I never met while at school and I can still get in touch with them and "hit it off with" when we meet now as adults....
This is so dis-com-bob-u-lated it's not even funny. And probably so hard to grasp as well- probably sounds like a fairy tale huh? Well, it pretty much was.
No, I'm not living in the past. I am fully in the present with 2 great kids and a husband who accuses me of sleeping with whomever he decides I'm sleeping with or want to sleep with.
Oh- FYI, my husband didn't have the same up bringing. He was overseas, but he was 23 and a Marine. No silver spoon in his life.
No 2X4's. It's your life; you make the decisions. You want to work on it, or you don't want to work on it. But to me, it sounds like this marriage can be saved. Probably not until after you go to your reunion. He is frightened. He is paranoid. That is his problem. Forcing you to live in a cage won't solve his problem. He needs an IC to talk to about his problem. Maybe he'll get motivated while you are away. As you know, to be the LBS is highly motivating. Maybe he will see the light.
Well you do point out some things that sound annoying for sure! But I just read a link from Gottman, Ph D, who says that the problems in a marriage after 5 years are the same after 10 years (give or take) but the couples that stay together learn to put up with them, pretty much.
But as a LBS, I would have appreciated hearing all the needs that my stbxh had (although he cheated) and then I would have really wished he put forth 100% effort into counseling.
If you agree to go to counseling, please be sincere about trying it. Lay everything out!
And some of the stuff you complain about sounds typical not that it makes it any less annoying. How often are the husbands not as talkative as the wife? How often do we hear that the husbands aren't good listeners? How often do we hear the husbands are messy?
The jealousy....that is a tough one. BUt give counseling a shot.
How old are your kids?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I guess it's more than just the nit picky things. And it's not just that H forgets the little things- he forget EVERYTHING! Seriously. It's a daily, constant battle. He has ADD, and says he "had" it as a child. No, he still has it, and he won't see anyone about it.
He can't stay focused or follow through on anything. Bills, job prospects, bank accounts, basic around the house stuff... he can't save money- even for something like fixing his truck so it's reliable or for a vacation he wants to take.
He also can't follow through with IC. He went a few times during our last split, but then stopped meeting appointments, and then stopped making them all together.
I talked to my mom today, and she said it sounds like I'm not as upset this time, that I sound stronger, have it all together and that she and my dad support me in my decisions.
Now, H is acting like nothing is wrong. As if him stopping me from visiting with my friends is somehow over, behind us, and nothing big. That since he did that, that somehow we're fine now.
Still sleeping on the couch (although one night both kids had friends over, so I asked H if he minded if I slept in the bed. He said no prob.)
I'm cleaning out my closet- was on my to do list Laundry is almost caught up from our vacation
small talk is going ok
H came home yesterday with info on a doctoral program for me. I guess he did hear me when I said he's not really helping me get started (he thinks he helps and therefore makes less stress, but my stress level has been through the roof since he's moved back in- and how his control and the way he talks to me does nothing for my confidence in thinking I can get a Doctorate)
While cleaning the closet I found some old hand-cuffs I bought H while I was at a conference. They're joke play rubber handcuffs, but it was funny then. I left them on the bed for H today. He went into the bedroom after he got home from work to take his usual nap (ugh), and found them. I heard a giggle. Later, when i was putting laundry away, he asked where I found them- I replied that they were at the back of the closet. He had humor in his voice.
Last night was hot, and the kids were out at sleep-overs so I made sure to wear my short nightie around the house.
H bought us salads for dinner last night.
H asked if I'd drive him to work tomorrow and pick him up so he can get his car looked at (finally). I said no prob. I have to go into work and sit for a delivery anyway (no, I didn't add that)
H said he liked the fan in the bedroom better but it could be that it was just closer. I agreed with him, and then said that I had left the bedroom door open all day so the room would stay cooler for him tonight. He said thanks.
I'm hoping these 110degree days end soon so I can clean out and organize the garages again.
I've decided to learn French via RosetaStone if I can't start the Doctorate this year.
