Heartbroken and needing help!

[dl443322]

Hey Grace!

IB, three years later and I still don't know what the heck his reasons were.

We were still intimate, still all wrapped around each other watching tv and he had just given me a beautiful card tellig me he wants to make me happy forever. Two weeks later, the bomb.

It drove me nuts for a long time not knowing what happened. Until I realized, it happened to him.

Look deep inside and think about the things you want to change; about you, about how you live your life, about what you have always wanted to do. Then begin to do that.

I know it is hard to accept this right now. I know it hurts. I know there are days when you think you are going out of your mind. But please believe me when I tell you, you will get through this. You will.

What is important now is you and your children. And if they see you are ok, they will be, too. They are watching you now. Very closely. Show them how to get through rough times in life. Show them how to act with strength and dignity.

And take care of you.

Please try not to have those conversations with your h. He sees them as pursuing, as you not getting it and they will just upset you.

Everything your h has said, almost everyone on here has heard some variation.

That's why it's best to just leave him be. Let him take this journey.

And if you really want to get through this, you have to start on yours. Detaching comes to everyone at different times. It is very difficult, but very necessary.

So, tomorrow you start fresh. You can do this. One day at a time.

[Twink]

Now the only thing he can do is D me, and in his heart he already has. That's worse than anything legal, at least in my mind.

Same here, Grace. I think I know why my H is not going there yet. Do you have a guess about yours?

[Grace_O]

Wow, it's a party here for a Sunday night!

Hey B and Twink

[quote]I think I know why my H is not going there yet. Do you have a guess about yours?
[/quote}

I have a pretty good guess and mostly it has to do with D's. That and he may think if he gives it enough time, I'll go uncontested and cheap (no atty's).

I meant what I said about the worse part being in his heart. So the rest, well it's kind of like a movie that I'm really interested in the ending. I just hope it's a good script.

[irishblessings]

You all are AWESOME! I agree with you and recognize the script - there is just enough of the self pity left that keeps asking - "why me - why us - why this" / why not someone else?

I know I have to have faith that at some point down the line I will have an answer.

Thanks for being so great! (and patient:) - I'm usually not this slow of a learner!)

[cat04]

I know I have to have faith that at some point down the line I will have an answer.

Thanks for being so great! (and patient:) - I'm usually not this slow of a learner!)

Irish,

Don't be surprised if someday you find that your answer is simply "it happened and it is what it is." That is acceptance of something that just is difficult to make sense of.

I, like Brooklyn, am 3 years post bomb and I still have nothing concrete from my H as to what happened. I have my theories, based on his life, I have heard comments from him that seem to show what is going on in his head during "saner" moments. But all I can do is put those things together and understand that he is simply a mess inside.

Like the others, I too have ideas about why H hasn't filed yet, but those are simply ideas.

As far as slow learner, it takes a long time to reconcile the head and the heart. For me, it was a battle. And many days, I didn't know which one was winning. LOL.

What I did know was that I didn't want to take the anger, frustration, and sadness that I had and carry it into MY future. There is nothing that makes me crazier than people who use their past to allow it to hold them back in the present and future (that is something I have always had problems with) and I knew I didn't want to become one of those people. I was on the road to letting that happen. I think we all are at the beginning of this.

So I made the choice to find a way, some way, to not become that way. My search, was frustrating, painful, and there were days when I wanted to say F-it, I will just be bitter.

I am so glad that I didn't listen to myself those days. I don't know where I would be now if I had, but I know I wouldn't be here, happy, whole, (ok almost whole), and willing to take those hard looks when they are still necessary. I am glad that I made that choice. You will be too. I promise.

Brooklyn, Grace, Twink, Hey ladies it is nice to see you!

Amazing ladies, Irish, especially Brooklyn. Listen to them.

[irishblessings]

Again, I am so grateful for this support! I get so overwhelmed with emotion some days and yesterday was one of the first where I actually thought I was suffocating - literally drowning in all of this. I don't want my kids to see me that way and I try to reserve those moments for when they are out of the house. Once it hits me though - wow, the grief and heartache just pour out of me. Thankfully I have two super friends who pick up the phone when I call and listen to my craziness.

I have spent the weekend trying to answer my Ds questions - because nothing makes sense to them. And they have come to realize, as have I, that the real answer is that H does not want ME in his life. He will come up with every excuse in the book as to why it won't work when the truth of the matter is that he doesn't want me to succeed. He wants someone and something different.

I have to pick myself up from this pit and move forward. He has done SO many heinous things to me over the past few years and every time he knocks me down I bounce right back up and keep trying to change or fix things to make them better. I think that actually has frustrated him over the years because I'm a "never give up" or "make the best of any situation" type of person - and I wonder sometimes if he's been like "damn, what will it take for her to get out?" He's cheated, humiliated, chastised, rejected, etc. - and I'm still here! WTH?????

My saying this does not mean I'm not standing for my marriage. I believe in the vows that I took 25 years ago / I am committed to fulfilling those vows. I will not file for D. I may, since he is gone, need to file for a Legal Separation in order to protect my S and myself from his erratic behaviors. But beyond that - I am not moving legally towards anything else.

I am heartsick beyond belief - (as if you all didn't know this:)) - but I MUST move forward. My plan for the rest of this month is to not see H at all until the last week in July for S's tournament in Florida. I will send one text each morning with S's itinerary and I will not initiate any other communication. If H initiates communication regarding S - I will limit responses to one or two word responses. I will not engage in any other communication with him on any other topic.

During this time, I will practice extreme self care:) I will allow myself to sleep more and not push myself to overachieve on anything. Will simply slow down and be kind to myself, my kids, my friends, and my extended family. I will think about each upcoming month and what I would like to establish as small goals for myself.

I have made it through this weekend - albeit scarred - but I'm still standing (with bent knees-but standing!)

Thanks!

[Truegritter]

He has done SO many heinous things to me over the past few years and every time he knocks me down I bounce right back up and keep trying to change or fix things to make them better.

Irish do you think your H is deliberately doing these things to hurt you?

Do you think he tries to think of the worst thing he can do and then do it just to hurt you?

Has he always been this selfish and hurtful?

I will give you a second to think about that....







Ok?


Then

What Now?

I know it feels like you are the victim of his behavior.

We all start here.

It is the normal reaction...right?

because I'm a "never give up" or "make the best of any situation" type of person

Except that you can't fix him Irish.

He is doing these things to himself not to you.

He is doing them because he is in more pain than you could ever imagine.

You don't want to know his pain. Just know that is the WHY behind the WHAT that has happened.

It does not excuse him.

And it does not excuse you for letting it break you.

Irish you have to find that courage deep down inside you.

You have to STAND up for YOURSELF.

Not by reacting with hurt and pain.

Not by running away.

Not by letting resentment fill your heart.

This is the road Irish.

This is the path we walk here.

You can come here and vent your pain and we are here to hear it and...

We are here to guide.

To show you the way.

He's cheated, humiliated, chastised, rejected

Has someone taken your dignity?

It is yours is it not? You control it.

You give it away if you let someone define it for you.

but I MUST move forward.

Atta girl.

I have made it through this weekend - albeit scarred - but I'm still standing (with bent knees-but standing!)

On your way to standing back up....

[irishblessings]

TG -

You offer some great guidance - I am struggling to find a way to keep these thoughts in the forefront - in front of the hurt. But I am praying that it gets easier and that I find a way to manage the pain.

I spent the day surrounded by friends and family - and although there were moments of deep sadness there were also moments of great joy.

I will find a way through this - one minute at a time.

Back to work tomorrow!

[irishblessings]

Ok, so D2 left to go back to school - tears flowed.
We had a great weekend though - she's one who is completely overwhelmed by the situation-hurt and angry. She and D1, S and I spend the day at pool - great day.
I get an email from H asking me if it's ok if he texts the girls to see what they are doing. I don't respond - let the girls know he texted and have them contact him.
An hour later H texts the girls and says" has something happened or been said today that has you upset? You have both seemed a little upset when I spoke with you"
D2 gets so angry about this and D1 tells her that she will text him back on behalf of both of them.
D2 sends H text that basically says - this is extremely hard on all of us and it becomes more real everyday. No one "said" anything to us.
H says - sorry for the pain, but I love you and it will be ok.

Ds are like - he doesn't understand anything right now. I hurt for them and I hurt for me - but this is his issue - not mine - right??

[Truegritter]

he doesn't understand anything right now. I hurt for them and I hurt for me - but this is his issue - not mine - right??

Is he MLC? No he doesn't understand anything outside of himself. He can't deal with the guilt or pain of anyone else.

It is HIS issue...

NOT yours.

Try as much as you can to separate the actions from the man you know because he is not that man right now...

You need to focus on your detachment.

Think of some goals for yourself to focus on.

Baby step goals ok?