We are all on here to help each other, so never feel like it is prying to ask a question of me.
To answer it: Last month was three years since bomb. H stayed in our bed for 8 months, post bomb. Stayed in the house for two years post bomb. He took thousands and thousands of dollars over the three years. I could not afford for him to ruin me financially any longer and with a heavy heart, finally had to file.
Those two years that he was in the house were some of the hardest of my life. And if you knew my life, that's sayin something.
Good for you for having a good cry in private. Nothing wrong with that at all. In fact, if you didnt, I'd be worried about you.
I know it is human nature to want to try to figure him out, to try to understand him and knowledge is power. Unfortunately, with MLC, it is virtually impossible to do it. And if you are, then you are spending valuable time better spent on you.
So, you got through the dinner. You acted with dignity and grace. You got up this morning and the sun is shining (hopefully), you have wonderful children, a job, your health. You are a lucky woman.
What are you going to do this weekend for you? Life is for living. Let h live in a car, a bus, a tent. His choice. He has to go on his journey. Let him. I am more interested in yours.
You all have been such a godsend to me these past few weeks - yes even when calling me out:) I re-landscaped the front yard today (I had been distracted the past few weeks and things kind of died:() - I also walked for 2 miles and during that time I really had some moments of clarity and realized that a suggestion from Dr. Dobson's book and from DB about preparing a letter or talk about letting go and then going dark might be in order after this weekend. I've also thought about sending a note to our extended family that is honest and dignified - but also encouraging them to continue including us as part of the family. Will take a couple of days to think through! My kids are INCREDIBLE - I am blessed!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Struggling, struggling, struggling - Kids are struggling through anger, hurt, fear - H says just give it time / he will talk to them and they will get through it. I am struggling through hurt, loneliness, desperation - The kids have felt that there have been great improvements in our family over the last three years (since the B1) - they don't understand this sudden change. H says that "we are not in a place of improved relations now like we may have been at points over the past 3 years and I was not giving you a real perspective either" H asks me - "so are you still holding out hope that I am going to change my mind and come back? I said "it's not about holding out hope that you will return. It's about working through these problems and seeing where it ends up. Rather than abandoning all. I understand that we aren't at a place of "improved relations" right now but working through a system like a structured separation would lead us to a better place - whether or not that is separate or together. There is too much good to throw away without that work or effort." H said "I thought that WE decided a structured separation should at least have some hope of ending up together" I asked "why is even the smallest remote chance of that so threatening? I know where you are right now - how can you feel so little worth in these years of work?" H says "It is not threatening, I just do not want it. I have been trying to ease the kids into divorce as possible. I think it is approaching time to tell them I am divorcing so they know the truth and can start to prepare mentally for that life."
There is a huge part of me just dying to move as far away from here as possible - to stay as far away from him and this place (his hometown) as I can. I feel like I'm drowning in hurt, humiliation, deception,...
How can I get through this? When will it stop hurting?????
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Also, does anyone feel as if their WAS hates them more than anyone else's WAS? In other words - like your situation is worse than anyone else's - so there is no hope? Could be part of this suffocating feeling I am having! Did I say that I am hurt????? Sorry for the continued whining!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
There is a huge part of me just dying to move as far away from here as possible - to stay as far away from him and this place (his hometown) as I can. I feel like I'm drowning in hurt, humiliation, deception,...
Oh, boy, IB, do I ever know that feeling! There were times last year when I would be driving through town on the interstate, and when I got to my exit, I had the overwhelming desire to just keep going. I still think about leaving, but it is no longer an emotional impulse to run away. It is now a thoughtful consideration of what will be best for me in my new life.
IB, you WILL make it through this. The pain will come and go as the rollercoaster goes up and down, but you will slowly and steadily learn to feel it and process through it more quickly each time. When you are really and truly detached, you will hardly feel the pain at all.
Head up, eyes forward now! Take one step through the hurt, then another. Show those wonderful children what grace and dignity and real strength is. They will follow your lead, so be sure to take a path you can be proud of.
(((Irish)))
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I am sitting here trying to figure out why it feels like I am the crazy one to not think that this would be the natural ending to my M.??? H acts as if with "all" of our problems of course this would be the only end...but I'm sitting here thinking - "wait - slow down / I only LEARNED about the extent of these issues a few months ago - we were working through them....you said you wanted nothing more in this life but to work through them...what's going on here?" Now he tells the kids that he has no confidence in MY ability to change nor in HIS ability to change.. To change WHAT??? I don't even know what the main thing is!!! I don't know if I am crazy or insane or what - how do I not know??? Am I the only one who is shocked by all of this - or did everyone see it coming but me? If so, where have I been - asleep, in denial, what?????
I am overwhelmed by the loss, the grief, the hurt - I need relief!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Also - does anyone else question themselves about the difference between taking responsibility or acting responsibly and acting with vengeance? I always second guess myself to make sure I don't piss H off.
Sorry - I am a MESS tonight!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
To change WHAT??? I don't even know what the main thing is!!! I don't know if I am crazy or insane or what - how do I not know??? Am I the only one who is shocked by all of this - or did everyone see it coming but me? If so, where have I been - asleep, in denial, what?????
Irish, I didn't know what the main problem was, either. Still don't, even though I asked. I was just as shell-shocked as you. What your H said is script. I got it, too. Without telling me what the main issue was, my H told me that he didn't speak up because he didn't think "it" could change. Essentially the same thing your H said to you. I suspect that they don't give us a straight answer because even they don't know what made them run.
At first, it was torture to not have that answer. I thought that I NEEDED it to move forward, to work on myself, to change. Now I realize it really doesn't matter at all. The things I'm working on are things for ME, and I don't give a rat's behind if they include what H's complaint was or not.
Irish, it is what it is RIGHT NOW, and you need to be present NOW. Not looking back and trying to figure out what you didn't see or didn't know, but looking forward to deal with the situation as it is, and working toward being the best Irish possible. Then, no matter what happens with your H, you will be whole.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
The main thing is that they aren't happy and are trying to figure out what that means and how to get there. At least that's the bottom line answer I've taken from all this. Yes, he did/does have complaints that are valid (who doesn't after so many years together). Like Twink says so beautifully though,
Quote:
The things I'm working on are things for ME, and I don't give a rat's behind if they include what H's complaint was or not.
I know you aren't here yet. It takes all of us varying amounts of time to get to a place where WE really come first.
I know that feeling of walking on eggshells b/c you don't want to piss them off or rock the boat. I finally came to the realization "What's he going to do...leave me?" He'd already done that. Now the only thing he can do is D me, and in his heart he already has. That's worse than anything legal, at least in my mind.
As hard as it is, any step you can take towards being the best you, for you, is the best you can do. It will give you strength, peace and confidence. It takes time (sick of hearing that yet?)and patience. It can be hard won, but nothing will serve you better, regardless of the outcome with him.
