I am in the process of dropping the rope. But I still have hope my marriage will work out. I just have ALOT of pain to work through. But Alan was right about all that negative talk coming from her. That still gives me hope.
She saw apartment guides I had, and asked me about them. I said I was trying to start moving on with my life. And then she said she hadn't been sure if I had accepted that she was 1000% sure about the divorce.
It then turned into a relationship talk WHERE I SHOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY, but she said some things that have helped me start to achieve closure.
She is REALLY REALLY REALLY sure about this divorce. I have NEVER seen her so sure of anything. Everything she was upset about tonight is because "of what her life could have been". AND NOT WITH ME ANYMORE.
She says she wishes she could have all that RIGHT NOW, just with someone else.
She says she needs space to heal, and that she doesn't want me around at all. She says that she has become a different person, and that she can't ever see us being together.
"Maybe down the road after we both have healed and time has passed if we are meant to be together".
All in all what I got from it is that I am simply no longer the person she wants ANYTHING from. She is thinking of taking another job so she can be away permanently.
Now I REALLY saw the level of gone that she really is. This really hurts so bad.
But I am hoping and praying that Alan is right about all the negative talk, and that what I have done so far is starting to make her question internally what she is doing.
But from everything she said to me, her mom, and her friends - and all her actions - she is GONE and wants this divorce more than anything.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/05/1002:59 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
1. That's the negative stuff I am talking about... Her motehr needs to IGNORE that... If you were watching the guerilla db video MWD make it VERY clear that her mother and everyone else shoudl NOT be sypathizing with her and enabling escapism... MWD made that VERY clear that coddling escapism is NOT helping her at ALL...
Where on earth did anyone tell you that there WOULD be a positive word in there?
Are you READING these posts? Sh'es MISERABLE and its SHOWING... that does NOT mean DIVORCE is teh SOLUTION to that...
We TOLD you she was miserable and you argued and said she was "happy"... NOW you see how MISERABLE she is... NOW...
We are going to tell you to IGNORE THAT miserable attitude and HELP her find a HEALTHY solutiont o her problems instead of escaping into OTHER MEN...
YOU need to start reading what we are writing to you and stop questioning it so much dude... we TOLD you she's miserable and there it is...
We have BEEN here.. her mother needs to STOP listening to her crying and stop coddling her...
That's NOT helping her at ALL
If she feels miserable her mother's answer should be "go to retroivaille".. they help people get happy again.. THye help people find that IN the MARRIAGE
I definitely need to talk to her mom, but it appears my wife is running counter-DB on her mom. I do need to find a way to get her to that retro weekend. This is going to be tough because her mom says "she is stuck in the middle". I also feel like her mom may be letting on what I tell her, and also sympathizing with my wife too much.
I know I shouldn't have had that talk with her BUT:
I felt COMPLETELY in control, and not overwhelmed with emotion. I said what I only wanted to, and DID NOT REACT. I used the phrases you gave me, and some others on here.
However, SHE APPROACHED ME! I set the terms of the talk, and I ended it at a time of my own choosing.
Still, she was 1000% set on the divorce. "I have never been more CERTAIN of anything in my life" she said. She feels like a divorce and moving on is the only VIABLE alternative.
But I was able to have such a calm conversation and keep in control. I never disagreed with her feelings, and didn't try to change her mind.
I guess what I am doing has been working. It may not have changed her mind one bit, BUT SHE HAS NOTICED ME!!!! Although, she says that noticing doesn't make a bit of difference. But that must count for something I guess.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/05/1003:56 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Remember the "don't be a friend" piece from the guerilla db video? You did sit with her mom and show it to her right? You did make a point of that piece right so they don't empathize with her and all that crap?
She is miserable QS.. you have seen that now... The problem is that's HER miserable feelings, this does NOT mean the marriage is miserable. Her conviction about divorce validates the escape... the fact that she is so convinced of divorce without the slightest REASON behind it pretty much confirms she's escaping and miserable and thinks divorce is going to make ehr feel better...
It won't... If she esapes into divorce and moves on she will marry again and run... AGAIN... When things get bad...
This is what happens... Did you know the divorce rate goes UP for second and third marriages? Its a LOT HIGHER.. why? WOuldn't you think people would LEARN something the first time?
No
The people who learn something don't RUN when things get bad.. they do teh work like you are...
The people who marry a second or third, or fourth time don't LEARN... they get miserable and they escape.. tha'ts their default solution they learned to use when things get unbearable...
Also... yes you will have to work more on her mother... You were warned she would run her own slant on things and try to sell divorce... Clearly her mother has NOT watched the video or is ignoring it... This is exactly why I wanted you to sit with them.. to make sure they don't "be a friend" and enable this BS of her's...
And yes, your efforts were stressing her out.. that's what you WANT.. It's forcing to her rethink her escape fantasy.. It's forcing her mind to accept an image of her marriage she has been trying to convince herslef will never happen... You are showing her that marriage with you CAN be enjoyable... and right NOW she doens't want to HEAR that because its ruining her escape and making her feel GUILTY... got it?
This is what is SUPPOSED to happen when you db well...
She IS miserable, her mother IS enabling her, and your efforts DO make a difference...
You just have to trust us man... This does NOT always work, but its the best game in town if you want to beat this thing... You just have to have some confidence in yourself that she's in there and that you are getting to her.. you ARE... But her mom may be enabling her at this point...
And this nonsense about her feeling that divorce is the only alternative.. Her mother needs to CALL her on that BS
Your wife hasn't even TRIED retrouvaille or family therapy... She's escaping not becasue its the only alternative but because its the SIMPLEST one... it's also the most destructive and the most wasteful...
MIL needs to start calling her on this like a PARENT... not listening to her blubbering...
"Don't give me that my dear, this is not the only alternative, you haven't even TRIED anything else... I am not going to sit her on the phone and listen to my daughter LIE to me"
THAT is what she should be doing.. CALLING her daughter on her Bullshite.. not sympathizing...
Imagine ehr daughter calls her blubbering because she wants to quit school.. "It's TOO HARD" she whines... "I don't wanna go... quitting school is the only alternative"
What woudl her mother say to THAT song and dance hunh?
And again this is why i said you have to continue exposure efforts throughout the db process.. your wife is going to be running damage control and counter-db measures to persuade people she is doing the "right thing" by running away and plotting sexual escapes with men who are just gonig to use her and toss her away... (any man who is worth her time long term is NOT going to plan secret sex meetings with her when she's married.. that is a HUGE RED LIGHT that the guy is a creep and is just stalking her for easy pickings)
Oh, and when her mother says she's "in the middle" you tell her you just want her to be on the side of her daughter's marraige and her commitments, NOT on the side of her escapist lying bullchit and blubbering like an infant
this does NOT mean the marriage is miserable. Her conviction about divorce validates the escape... the fact that she is so convinced of divorce without the slightest REASON behind it pretty much confirms she's escaping and miserable and thinks divorce is going to make ehr feel better...
Oh she does have valid reasons for divorce. I wasn't a good partner, and didn't fulfill her needs. She just reached a breaking point, and there's no going back in her mind.
She basically just wants the divorce over with and wants "to get her life started again".
Quote:
Your wife hasn't even TRIED retrouvaille or family therapy.
We did marriage counseling for a year, and it helped for a while, but then I fell into old patterns again. And we are now seeing a new FT, but we can only go every other week because of her work.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/05/1011:15 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
1. If you tried it for a year and you didn't turn aruond you were using the wrong FT... a GOOD FT is giong to make sure you stick to your guns 2. To my mind there are VERY FEW valid reasons for divorce... There are LOTS of valid reasons to go to family therapy or to be dissatisfied with the marriage, but no, I do not think there are a lot of VALID REASONS to pursue divorce.. particularly wtih teh wrecklessness your wife is diong it... DUDE... She's pursuing OTHER MEN while she's still married AND LIVING with YOU... Do you honestly think that's an indicator that her EMOTIONAL HEALTH is top NOTCH right now?
UNTIL she is emotionally STABLE she should NOT be PURSUING ANY OTHER MAN... She's just trying to FILL the VOID that is there because you aren't meeting all of her needs right now...
I KNOW, she won't ACCPET that right now... well, she's got to go WITHOUT those needs being met and NOT PURSUE OTHER MEN with wreckless abaondon to fill that avoid... YOU aren't getting YOUR needs met you aren't prowling the singles bars are you?
She's not emotionally stable and the solutino to that is family therapy... NOT DIVORCE...
Sorry, No valid reasons.. you aren't selling her BS to me... I refuse to buy her excuses...
FT is the solution to this... NOT divorce.
If you backslid then SHE allowed it...
Problems in marriages aer SHARED...
If you were using porn for five years... its 50-50 becuase SHE ALLOWED you to do that etc
the only reason I would advocate divorce is violence or emotional abuse (and no, the odd shouting match isn't abuse, that's just two immature people who don't know how to negotiate)
Sorry QS.. you are starting to sound like HER...
Maybe she can sell that BS to her mother and even you... but I AM NOT BUYING IT...
