Today was one of those days when I just had a lump in my throat all day long, and for no particular reason - lots of doubt and anxiety. Towards the end of the day, I started getting frustrated that a lot of close friends and family just don't get my continued hope and fight. Sometimes when I reference things that I've learned from DB, I can detect that look in their eyes of pity. It is a tad disheartening. Going forward, I'm really going to focus on keeping my mouth shut around, not only my H, but a lot of others too, just to protect myself. Every now and then I will get complimented on how far I've come already and how patient and strong I am, but everyone still seems to think there is a limit on those things. Are those feelings common from outsiders?
I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I want to do with it. Despite mine and H's family all being in one place, I see a lot more going for me back in my home, 3 hours away. Yes, that is where H lives (although he is still in his apt), but I have been greatly inspired by my community there - the people, my church, job prospects. It took me a long time to really fall in love with my city, but now that I am there, I don't think I want to start over somewhere else back by my parents. I am still young, so my parents really want me near them and are being somewhat vocal in their thoughts. Ugh. The question that comes along with that is, how do I explain returning to H? I wouldn't voluntarily bring the subject up, but considering that I left in a very emotional state saying I needed to live elsewhere, I gave the ring back, said I was done (all of which I regret), I wouldn't be surprised if H brings that up.
