Yeah. Thought of that, too. Considering she had an ovary and falopian tube removed a month ago.
However, I would think that THAT would have been a higher priority for discussion than "XX is causing me grief at work; my mom's car has an issue, etc"
So D and I had a great weekend at my parents' 50 Anniversay. W apparently did very little. Nothing happened here at the house as her vehicle went to what I can presume is Amanda's (I'll try to verify this week) and it didn't move til an hour ago when she came home.
I noticed Saturday morning when I saw W that she's now looking dangerously thin (she has lost weight but it's getting unhealthy looking). She looks tired. And not particularly happy. The only thing she said when she got home (and how it would be important or releveant escapes me) is "I'm not drinking gin again" {Note- this from a woman who was "deathly allergic to alcohol" until after D was born. We discovered it was magically gone quite by accident} The she took D to the corner store as she ran out of smokes. It's getting quite pathetic. I'm worrying about D this week. If I find her truck gone as much as this week, I'm laying down the law because my daughter is NOT a gypsy who lives at other people's homes. If W wants to do that, fine. My D stays in the family home.
I'll post later when I have more time.
Me? I'm feeling quite good. Look good and feeling quite content with myself. I'm feeling the confidence again.
I had the odd spot over the weekend when the topic moved to my parents and 50 years (and seeing my siblings happy marriages) when we havent hit 50 MONTHS. Our 4 year will be September 6, 2010.
It's really kind of sad that I'm learning what I should have learned 3 years ago. We could have avoided all this. I'm not saying I'm accepting more than my fair share of the blame here but it would have taken just me to begin the changes.
I thought momentarily to talk to W's mom sometime in that I'm not liking to see her condition and attitude drop like this, like her weight. I doubt she's talking to much to W. I'm guessing MIL doesn't know what's going on either. She certainly doesn't have my side of the story. But I don't want to meddle unless it affects D. MIL has early MS so stress affects her quickly and severely. And the way it's going W is going to need all the support she can get.
So this evening was interesting in an odd way. It may have got away from me.
So after D's bath, she starts asking useless questions about collared shirts and going through the closet for golf shirts. She has a new dress code. So she's in my bathroom changing shirts and asking me "Does this fit", etc. I say "Fine. It's work".
Then she tells me she is taking next week off to go to BC cause her mom is going out so she's gonna meet them. (her aunt lives out there). But from an earlier conversation I overheard a few weeks back, she wasn't staying with her aunt and mom (she had "friends" who had a condo) Whatever, I guess. I can't follow to check up.
Then, she says "You have Calla on the 31st. Can I take Calla to Brooklyns birthday?" M- Sorry, D and I will be in BC on vacation. The 24th to 31st? W-Oh. Can you do that? m-Why not? W cause of our agreement? M-What agreement? We have no Sep Agreemnt. W What about the thing you wrote? M Not signed. You read it and gave it back saying you wouldn't sign. W It needed some changes. Like RRsp. And what to do with the truck. M So what do you want to do with the truck? W I don't know. pay it off? M No. Family funds will not buy a personal truck for you. W But I told you about the changes your thing needed M OK. Write them out and give them to me to review
Any way, this went back and forth and she kept at it.
I eventually sent her the document I wrote. I told her she needs to open a personal bank account and I will calculate what she needs to pay every payday to the joint account to cover the household bills.
It got a little touchy as I was having difficulty controlling my irritation. She, of course, was making effort to say how "It's not necessary that we fight over everything. People can get divorced and be civil" I said, "OK. But these things will come up forever.
Honestly, I'm a little hurt that we're still going down this road and she is pursuing it. I sort of hoped if it was up to her it would never happen. Plus, her sudden push for paper suggests there is likely a relationship she wants to pursue and "paper' will make her less guilty. However, in being optimistic, I suppose she won't start "getting it" until it starts to become real.
And I'm getting tired of this, too.
But I guess I need to call my lawyer friend and sort out what I need to do to get that Property Exception and if I can leave it out of our temporary agreement and drop that bomb later.
I need a refresher on the scripts I need to say and repeat when this topic comes up.
e.g. "If this is what you want..." If this is your decision..." If this is your only option?"
I'm sitting here watching my hopes die. And it sucks. I'm not sure if I can keep my irritation out of the conversations. Everytime I looked at her today all I could see was the girl I wanted to marry. And she's not "there" anymore.
Sorry to be a downer. I had such a good weekend about marriage and THIS is what I come home to.
Too big a swing for me.
I'm not thinking this will be a success story. And the fact that my non-pursuing behaviour surely shows 'more of the same" to her, I don't see what changes she could be seeing in order to reconsider.
Sorry, everyone. I'm feeling really lost and disheartened.
Well, it went from bad to worse (which is oddly somewhat better?)
I noticed W had our digital camera charging in her room. I thought it odd. So I looked for the memory card. It was also missing. ANd she was in the bathroom doing the bath for D....with her laptop.
So, this morning, while she was getting ready, I pulled the card from the camera (which she had in her backpack-that she lives out of) and pulled the photos. (the hard part will be sneaking it back into the camera before she notices it's missing.)
So I found pics of the OM and it's the one from work that I initially suspected; not the flower guy. It's the 'supposedly happily married' guy. I saw two pics from this past weekend (him taken by W; and a pic of a tent-their tent I presume) and pics from the weekend before where "we were at the lake with Amanda" (and the OM). The hurtful pics were of OM standing behind D in the lake.
I had heard Calla say his name and I asked W one day why she would be saying that "Amanda's sister Jenn's son is XX"
So now I need his address to see if he is in fact married. Then plan an exposure. W and OM, perhaps.
I'll try to compile more evidence before I do anything but I left Vmail for my atty this morning to help me organize my ducks; and possibly prepare the first shot.
I'm going to be pretty grim this week as I try to concentrate on my job (I'll need it) and pretend to be civil at home when I am there. I'm going to have to avoid getting frustrated if I have to speak with her for any reason as I can't let the cat out of the bag till all the evidence is SOLID and my atty has me all set up.
If it were me, I wouldn't worry about getting the photo memory card back into the camera. When my wife took my personal prescription info (a violation of the federal HPAA laws), and I found them in her drawer, hidden away, I just KEPT them. "a", they belonged to me anyway, and "b", I found it kind of amusing that there was NO WAY SHE COULD ASK ME for it, cuz to do so, SHE'D HAVE TO ADMIT SHE TOOK IT!!!
But if you think that getting it safely back could allow you more time to collect more info, then I guess that would be good. I also always like to see someone be in a position of being able to say to their cheating spouse "I know all about you and _______," and NOT reveal the source of their intel, as the cheater then doesn't know what you know, doesn't know what you DON'T know, and therefore has to assume that you know EVERYTHING!
My guts are just spinning. I have to get a picture of them "together" to prove tht it is still more than friendship. I mean, I'd have to be a complete moron to give the benefit of the doubt to her but I NEED to be 100% sure I have the right info.
I'm going to try to put it back so she doesn't know I ever saw it.
Then I can pull pictures; birth control patches; receipts for sex lube; etc all at once if requested.
I want to keep it quiet so she continues to make mistakes; and I can gather all the pertinent mortgage info, etc, for the lawyer.
I really don't feel good staying away from D this week but I have to continue to GAL and get my stuff done ASAP.
Not much has changed other than my attitude. I'm not as nervous agitated as I was. I was surprised how calmly I took that information in and didn't explode. My confidence is returning. She asked if I would be home for dinner and I asked if my D would be home. She said "If I'm home then she is". I said I'd be home around 6. She prepared spaghetti.
Then charging her laptop and BBerry'ing. Watching Bachelorette. I'm not.
I've been reading the boundaries thread and the setting them free thread alot. I feel I am doing well on the setting her free as I'm not reacting emotionally to anything she says and not reading her actions as anything other than "data".
But I have to set some boundaries to stop the cake-eating and gain some respect. I'm just not sure how to do it or which activities to address first.
Obviously, given proof, the OM is unacceptable and she'll have to chhose here or "there".
The secrecy and disconnection of the BBerry is disrespectful and rude. But I'm not sure how to phrase it and what I could use as "consequences". We're pretty much financially committed to staying in this house and I'm sure not leaving. But I've seen too often that it is the "separation" that starts to bring it around for a lot of WAW's. Granted, it could also send her further to OM but given what I know about him (also married) that would be tough to do.
I have to start laying out the boundaries but I'm not sure how to approach it. Am I missing a key element that prevents me from seeing the obvious?
My thoughts were that I needed to catch her doing it and simply say "When you read and/or respond to Messenger stuff while D and I are here, I feel it is disrespectful to both of us. I want you to either not do it or leave the room until you are finished; as often as it takes. I want you to see how disconnected you are from D when yy do it. If you won't, .....
I don't have "the hammer"
Suggestions?
Obviously, the OM will be easier in that it's simply a choice of living quarters. Cut it off (with transparency- tough when they work together) or leave as I will not live in an open marriage.
Oh!!! Almost forgot. A mutual friend (better hers than mine- her boss at last two jobs0; the guy that recommended the horrible MC; i sbeing divorced by his wife. W told me today. he had an affair and ended up with a D himself. The irony is HE was considering divorcing his wife because he didn't want kids and she did.
So W tells me "I asked him' are you happy?" he said no". W says it's cause he was cake-eating"
Ironic.
I wanted to throw a truth dart but wasn't prepared.
Not much has changed other than my attitude. I'm not as nervous agitated as I was. I was surprised how calmly I took that information in and didn't explode. My confidence is returning. She asked if I would be home for dinner and I asked if my D would be home. She said "If I'm home then she is". I said I'd be home around 6. She prepared spaghetti.
Then charging her laptop and BBerry'ing. Watching Bachelorette. I'm not.
I've been reading the boundaries thread and the setting them free thread alot. I feel I am doing well on the setting her free as I'm not reacting emotionally to anything she says and not reading her actions as anything other than "data".
But I have to set some boundaries to stop the cake-eating and gain some respect. I'm just not sure how to do it or which activities to address first.
Obviously, given proof, the OM is unacceptable and she'll have to chhose here or "there".
The secrecy and disconnection of the BBerry is disrespectful and rude. But I'm not sure how to phrase it and what I could use as "consequences". We're pretty much financially committed to staying in this house and I'm sure not leaving. But I've seen too often that it is the "separation" that starts to bring it around for a lot of WAW's. Granted, it could also send her further to OM but given what I know about him (also married) that would be tough to do.
I have to start laying out the boundaries but I'm not sure how to approach it. Am I missing a key element that prevents me from seeing the obvious?
My thoughts were that I needed to catch her doing it and simply say "When you read and/or respond to Messenger stuff while D and I are here, I feel it is disrespectful to both of us. I want you to either not do it or leave the room until you are finished; as often as it takes. I want you to see how disconnected you are from D when yy do it. If you won't, .....
I don't have "the hammer"
Suggestions?
Obviously, the OM will be easier in that it's simply a choice of living quarters. Cut it off (with transparency- tough when they work together) or leave as I will not live in an open marriage.
Thanks.
You're way over-thinking this (you tend to do that ).
Just say, "Please don't ignore the family and keep texting in front of our daughter and me -- it's very rude. Thanks."
).