I thought maybe it would be helpful if I put a compilation of my other post here for everyone since I haven't gotten any responses as of yet. I warn you that this is EXTREMELY long and I apologize for that. But I'm hoping it will help to put it all here.
*** My husband has basically asked for a divorce. I have to admit, the final straw was something I did. I lied to him about some bills being paid. I have no way of telling anyone how sorry I am, how much I regret lieing, how much I miss him, how much I love him. It's just not possible because he was the entire world to me and still is. I can't figure out how to express what I'm feeling.
He swears there was no one else and I believe him as he has never lied to me. But now he has found someone that he has went out with a few times, he says that her and I are on equal ground with him that our relationship still stands a chance and that we need to start seeeing each other more and talking more to rebuild his trust and see what happens. He has never cheated on me and he is fully aware that I have never cheated on him either.
But he has added things to his unhappiness like my house being a pig sty (I have now cleaned and will keep it clean), my lack of energy (I am seeing the doc and figuring it out), my lack of respect and not showing him enough love (and I have been doing more of that lately as well) but he moved out . I am devastated to say the least. I do nothing but cry and clean and want to talk with him. We have been married 23 years and together 24. We have a family, a life....we have so much and so little without each other in my opinion.
I pick up the phone 100 times per day to call him, but make myself stop so that he does not think I'm tryinng to stalk him or something.
Two weeks ago we had a talk, by telephone, and I finally just asked. He says that he will always love me as a person but not as a wife because I have broken his trust and his heart. He says I have the chance to earn his trust back and be his good friend, which he wants very much, and that maybe something will happen in the future and maybe not as no one can tell the future, but right now he can't trust me as far as he can throw me but he also said "if I'm not back in the house by then" when discussing an upcoming family reunion. And he is now talking about us seeing each other more and stuff too. Actually, he asked me out for saturday night.
He also now says that we have a chance to rebuild the relationship and that we will always be friends first from now on. We have talked about feelings more and things that were lacking, plus we have even talked about the other woman in that he was having a fight with her LOL and he called me because before we were married so long ago, we were best friends and would always call each other for advice no matter what the situation. Natural for him to call me, it was hard and he told me that he knew that but I told him it was okay. We are friends and can talk when he needs someone if he wants to call.
I am lost. I am lonely and I can't think straight. I don't know how to do this anymore.
How do you divorce someone you love? How do you walk away from the biggest dream you have ever had in your life? How to you give up your best friend? How do you move forward from something like this? How do I ever do anything again? And am I supposed to, does he really want this?Is him talking to me and saying that we need to see more of each other and try to rebuild hopeful, is it a move in the right direction??
Neither of us has hired a lawyer at this point. And I don't see that happening financially in the very near future...but I know he says it will come. But can I earn his trust back by then and have this relationship repaired?
Please help me. I don't even know what to do now.
Also, just for the record. I have never lied to him about anything other than those bills. EVER. He says that he knows this.
I told him that I truly love him. He says he knows this too but it just doesn't matter right now because he can't trust me at this point and that must be rebuilt before he can think of moving back or creating the relationship again totally..
So he came over one day and we really talked.
He wants to be friends and to work on our issues. If we can resolve it, good, but if not, he wants to be friends.
We talked about a few of the things that he sees as problems in our relationship and I CAN see those things too....we talked for four hours!! I can't really remember a conversation like that between us in so long...it hurts to think that we had lost that somewhere along the way.
He let me know that I need to show him, not just tell him, that I am learning to handle money better...that he can trust me to pay the bills and to work toward a financial future rather than letting them go. he also said that he is working on making himself a better person too, that he recognizes that there are some changes he needs to make as well and that he knows it's hard but we are both working on ourselves and can see each other through as friends and see what happens then.
We also talked about lack of passion in the bedroom and really discussed that for the first time...not just him telling me but me explaining some of my fears to him too. We responded to each other and got a clearer meaning of what was actuallly being said, not just listening, but hearing what each other said. That was soooo nice. He even kissed me goodbye and told me he would call me later or tomarrow.
I can't say this is going to work out. I don't know. I do know that I am going to give it my best effort to make some of the changes that he thinks are necessary...not because he tells me they are but because I can actually SEE that they are necessary and would be a betterment to me as a person as well as to us as a couple.
I'm just very scared and get very lonely. I never know if what I do is right, but I am feeling my way through here and hoping for the best. Anyone have any advice? Anyone have anything they can tell me? Has anyone been in a similar situation and had it work out and save the relationship and what was the turning point for you? He had a really rough day yesterda and was sick on top of it so I ended our talk on the phone with "I love you" it just seemed the right thing. He asked if I expedcted him to answer that at this time, I said no and explained that I had felt it was the right thing, he'd had a bad day, was sick and needed someones love at that point, so I let him know he was loved. Period. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but I did it.
I also have taken to not calling him the past week. I respond if he calls or texts but let him initiate all conversation and follow his lead. This has seemed to be something he really likes. And seems to respond to.
I do see an IC and he told me that I am making great progress in myself as well, that he sees the changes and that it sounds like I am doing the right things....told me to just do what felt right and make sure it was the right thing for me. So that's what I am doing.
Well, I have done research into the mistress. She is an old high school friend. We have mutual friends and I have found no contact between them until a week before he left. I also had his passwords and such for all his accounts up until two days after he left and he had never had any contact with her up to that point. I was on the computer most of the time (an addiction that I had that I have now broken for the most part) and would check that once in a while. He has also told our children (21 and 23) about her and when they went out for the first time....it was father's day weekend.
So, I know that he did not go out with her prior to leaving me, prior to this all starting....but I know that he has now. At least a couple of times in the past week or so. I don't know. I know that his mom (which is where he moved to) said that he had not left the house other than for calls for his job up until father's day weekend too with one exception. He went camping with friends the weekend before father's day for one night.
I'm hoping that I can trust these things that this did not start months ago. That would be nice, but I'm also smart enough to know that this is ongoing at this point which is just unacceptable period. So either way, there is another issue to work on between us.
Strange. He texted me a little while ago and asked if he scared me last night. I decided I wanted to know what the heck he meant so I said no, why. He then said that I hadn't contacted him all day and he wasn't used to not hearing from me and asked if he could call later. I said that was fine as long as before midnight cause I have to go to bed for work.
He also told me he is so confused he doesn't know what he is doing anymore and doesn't understand.
Interesting.
Can someone please advise me on what to think or do here? I want to talk with him and agreed to do so but limited the timeframe. I am listening to what he was saying to me and hearing it too, so now I'm interested to see what we talk about later. BUT I don'twant to do anything wrong either. Please advise!!
So he just called me. I have to talk with him once per week regardless because he gives me money toward the household expenses. That was what this call was about.
We were cordial and I only stayed on the phone about 8 minutes to figure out when/where to get the money (he is leaving at his mom's house for me to pick up while in town tomarrow).
But, gosh that hurt a lot. I CAN DO THIS! I really CAN. It just hurts to hear his voice. *sigh*
I have decided that I will accept an offer from a friend who lives about 200 miles away. She was looking for someone to go with her out of state for 7 days and help with the driving. In exchange she will pay all the gas/hotel/food for that time period. Now, I don't make enough money to take any type of vacation, but if she's paying that much and all I have to do is make up the money I will miss, I can pick up shifts afterward to do that. I haven't told H and I don't think I will. I may tell hism om just so someone knows that I will be gone other than my kids. But I am making this decision on my own, for the very first time in 23 years, I am deciding to do something stricktly for me. Is that good??
Oh, maybe I should put this here. These are things that I have already done prior to coming to this forum. I had gotten the advice from marriagebuilders. I really REALLY hope I haven't screwed anything up here. And the concert that I mention below is actually from tonight. I'm really sorry I didn't go, but man that's a lot of people and with me having panic attacks at this point, I didn't think the heat, the people...nope...Please advise:
I am listening when we do talk to everything he says, then I journal after our conversations/texts so that I can remember. One of the problems I have had before trying to "go dark" is that he would always call and we would talk about things then he'd go hang out with friends or OW and change his story/attitude. So I'm journaling what we talk about for my own sanity. That way I KNOW I'm not crazy and he actually DID say what I originally thought.
I am continuing my IC and have "shown great progress" according to the counselor.
I have decided to look into finishing my last year of schooling to get my bachelor's degree. I am pretty sure I only need one semester to graduate and if so, that will help me tremendously in the long run.
I have decided that I HATE my job so I'm out looking for a new one. Something that is not a dead end job, something with a future.
I have decided that I HATE this house. My mother owned it, and it is still in probate, but I probably will get it. He has told me, in writing, that he will not take any part of this house at any point. It is mine. Well, if so, I'm going to sell it and use the proceeds to purchase something smaller, maybe a condo or something. Then move. I can't stand the memories in this house if this does not work out and if it does, he has even said we should move somewhere else, so I don't feel that he would object at that point.
He has let me know that the divorce attorney that I had called at his bequest is too expensive and that he feels we should do the do it yourself thing. I explained that I would not accept that, no matter how unhappy it made him. Period. I explained that I want to be married to him and that I feel that at some point we should actually talk about what is wrong and how to fix it, but explained that this was not the proper time and he would have to come to grips with the fact that I am not going to sign for divorce at this point.
I have tried to reconnect with two of my old friends from high school (man that was a long time ago LOL) and they have responded and it has been very nice talking with them. We have not managed to get together yet, but I would like to see that happen in the near future if only to get me out some evenings.
I actually thought of going to a concert tonight, alone. There's a free concert in the town about 20 miles from here that I dearly wanted to see. I was pretty tempted and even started to get dressed, but then decided that 90 degrees outside and 40,000 people was probably just a little too much yet for me to handle, but I really thought about it. That is something.
I will not be going to the fourth of July party that we normally attend. It is at his mother's house where he is now staying and she understands that I just can't do that yet. That is not something I am ready for, even though I love fireworks.
I will be attending the family reunion of his family in two weeks. That is at his sisters. He will be there and I asked point blank if OW would be there. He let me know that his mother and sister both told him she was not welcome as well as the fact that he would not bring her there because it would be uncomfortable for me and he did not wish to do that. (always considering my feelings here huh? LOL Whatever, then get rid of her already!)
So I hope I have done some good things. I really do. I keep reading and hoping. Please advise me. thanks!!
I do have to admit that I want to go to the family reunion as much for me as for his family. I have been part of them for so long that I miss them all dearly between the reunions and they only come up once every two years, just bad timing it is so close to this all happening. Honestly.
I am going dim for now as well, I made that decision the other day, kind of but now I'm sticking to it more. I got hurt more by him again last night and I'm just done, just done. I thought it would be okay to talk to him since I hadn't really answered many messages within a day or two, plus he wanted to talk about the money again for yesterday's payment, so I did. BIG MISTAKE! Now I'm hurting worse again. Somme roller coaster I'm on lemme tell ya. But it was my fault, I wasn't strong enough and I let him goad me into telling him what I really thought of all of this and of course he went off about that....my fault there, I should have been adamant and just said I didn't want to talk about it. I learned the hard way there.
I find it really hard to admit that I made that mistake her to ya'all....that's really different for me, but I actually feel guilty for making a mistake that I should have listened on...so I'm sorry to all of you for that. Please forgive me.
Anyhow, my day is now very uncommited. LOL. I'm alone, no one home and I have the whole day and night that way. So I guess I'll go for a walk or something later...get me out of the house a little. *sigh* will I always feel this excruiating pain? Will I always hate my life? I keep asking myself that, I keep asking what I want to do with my life...I do come up with some answers, but then I'm scared about them too LOL. Not sure where I'm going to end up or how, but I'm quite sure I will be stronger for taking this ride and know more about me than I ever thought possible. _________________________
I also have prayed so much! Not getting an answer, but I know that God is listening and helping me get through this somehow, I just don't know how. That is the way I guess it's supposed to be. He brought me here to this forum. So that is a help!
I know I will never understand this one and I have no intention of trying to either at this point, but when H said it, it just dumbfounded me. So I thought I would share so some other person knows they aren't going crazy when they hear the stuff their WAS says.
"I feel guilty when I am with you because I know that she would cut out my heart if she found out. But we are married still and I need sex, you need sex, so the decision to have you come here was mine. I made that choice and I will lve with it." BTW, we did NOT have sex. Period. But I was thinking, he should feel guilty when he is with her, not me. He is so confused that I feel for him. But not enough to go into that with him either. Just let him talk so he could say what he felt. UGH. Like I said, I let myself get hurt last night and I'm havinng a hard time with that today. I KNOW it was wrong and I WILL NOT do that again! HUGE MISTAKE!
And that was the only time he mentioned OW during the conversation or I would have stopped him, I should have stopped him then, but I had to hear what the he** he waas thinking.
I'm still new to this. We have only been seperated 5 weeks at this point and I just found this forum a few days or so ago. So I know that I'm still making mistakes, but I AM learning and listening to all of you. I am building the strength to do everything you tell me and I aAM working on myself rather than him.
I found this in another thread and found it quite helpful to me. I already know a lot about this woman as I know her from back in high school. So that will help me in figuring this out too. But it's really good advice that just hit me when I read it.
*** Page 215-216 in Divorce Remedy
You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes.
I think this is more important for you to remember right now 1967 :
These are in MWD's book Divorce Remedy, i have seen a lot of instances of people not remembering these powerful warnings Michele offers on pp 139-140 of her Text
Mandatory Don'ts When Divorce Busting
1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever in your whole life and are despreate and needy.
2. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
4. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
5. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
These warnings are well worth heeding, and certainly worth my taking the time to type them out and put them up here for everyone as a reminder.
I have read so many cases here of people failing to follow these warnings... and it DOES do damage when you don't heed these warnings. Damage that is reparable, but damage that does add to the work of winning your marriage back.
And no one wants to divorce-bust any longer than they absolutely have to.
Thank you for taking the time to put those things here for me.
I am trying very hard to do all those things. I have failed at some along the way, but I will not allow that to stop me from moving forward. Not on, just forward. I am discovering myself along the way, but it is very different to me.
I am attempting to implement them all in my daily life and to show him I am moving forward, not on, just forward. I am making sure that his family is aware of what goes on basically, but asking them to only tell him if they absolutely must and they have assured me that they are not speaking with him about OW at this point at all.
I have cleaned the home to what he feels is the best way to do so rather than just giving it a once over and am keeping it that way.
I have went through the EN questionairre and answered it as I felt he would answer it then one night (before I knew I shouldn't have done this) I got him talking ont he phone about it and found out where I had answered correctly and incorrectly. I also have found out from H speaking to me what he likes about OW and why she makes him feel good about himself. So I know what the draw was initially.
I have started to point out his faults in situations when he begins to point all blame to me. I have made it clear that I will not take all blame, only what is actually due to me. But I edid this in a nice calm voice with no tears in my eyes.
I have let his family and everyone else involved in our lives say or act as they will about this OW and about what he is doing. They will probably do a better job of showing him how wrong this is than I will anyhow because he is not into listening to me at this point.
I have gone basically dim at this point and am only speaking to H when I absolutely must or when I feel that he has taken the initiative to contact me several times so this time would be okay (maybe once every three or four texts).
If you have advice of that, then please offer it up. I'm open to suggestions, but I'm also having problems figuring this out on my own.
I have been married so long and was living at home before marriage....I've never been on my own, so this is TOTALLY a new territory to me. I'm not sure how to act or what to do actually, so it's a REALLY total new beginning here. So please help.
Dang, he just texted me again. He said he needs half the bedframe that we have for camping so he can use it at his mom's. Well, okay I guess. But UGH that means he has to come out here. K. Now I'm not sure how to feel about that. My stomach just went into knots!!
I just wish I wasn't so lonely right now. I'm having a hard time with not responding to H texts at this point. UGH!
see, I know that OW is out of town until tomarrow night and that his friends are all busy with family, heck that's my problem friends are busy, so H is bored and alone so he is texting me occassionally. Well, I get that, but he put a FB post up about her and that he misses her. The only responses he has gotten were from her BFF. LOL. But that's what I expected to happen. There's not a family member that will respond that I am aware of at this time. They all KNOW how wrong this is and they all do NOT accept or welcome her in their homes. One point for me huh? Actually, it shows that they care and that they have morals and stand by them. I'm glad for that.
I'm just lonely all the kids are gone, both boys at their GF houses and daughter lives 250 miles away. So no one here but me and the furbabies. So some holiday for me. UGH.
K. I'll get off the pity pot now, but it felt good for a few minutes.
I was just reviewing my journal. I found this interesting. I put this long entry in just two days ago. And now that I re=look at it, I am figuring out that I'm not as crazy as I thought I was...I may actually be on the right track here. What do ya'all think??
*** I am not trying to make H uncomfortable, I am telling him what I want and need. I am being 100% honest with him, I am giving him 100% of my attention when I am with him in person, phone, text or chat. I am recognizing his faults too and point them out in a nice manner. I am making changes that I feel are good for me. I am trying to figure out a future though I have not done so yet. I am starting to want to go out and be with friends (GAL). I am telling him things that I never dreamed possible and disussing rather than fighting. I am, for instance, getting pretty angry that he lied to me about OW, that he hid things from me for months and that everything is now his way or no way. Well, I have feelings, wants, desires and needds too and he needs to recognize that. But he must do it on his own. I am also going dim. I will not call, text, email etc him unless absolutely necessary. I will answer his periodically but will not talk about OW. I will deal with what must be done and no more, but be friendly throughout.
I will make decisions solely for me and not worry about what he thinks.
I have already told him that he is not welcome here unless I know and say it's okay.
I will talk to the executress of the estate and attempt to sell this house and downsize which is something we had talked about for months anyway, so I am just going to do that. I WANT to do that, so I AM.
I will check at university and see about what I need to do in order to finish my degrees and see if it is a fiesable option at this time.
I will learn to quit torturing myself. He lied to me and hid things from me for months now. I wasn't the only one at fault. My lie was the SAME ONE the whole time, he has done worse and hidden more from me than I ever did him. I will not take all the blame here. But will share it.
I will not go quietly into this divorce without fighting for my H and M. I love him and it would be a betrayal of ME if I did that. I will NOT betray myself!
I will continue to do the little, spontaneous things. They are fun, I like to make people smile. It makes me feel good to do this.
I will keep my house clean cause I like it better this way. I still despise the house and town, but clean it is better by a long shot.
I will work on my compassionate, caring, nurturing side to improve my worth as a person. To be the best me I can be.
I will diligently search for a new job. Something stable where there is room to grow and where I can be appreciated. This will also enable me to pay my bills and maintain.
I will continue to lose weight. I am at 276lbs, I want to be at 175 and healthieer. I will continue to diet, work out and walk toward this goal. I will also quit smoking finally. It is best for me and my health.
I am done being the doormat here. I will not accept all blame, I will not just do what makes someone else happy. I will live for ME and do what I feel is right along the away. Hopefully they will agree with me, but I don't know and don't have the energy to care at this point.
I will adhere to the DB advice and see what happens. If nothing else, I will learn bout myself along the way and be better off for it.
I will work to achieve serenity, wisdom and courage. I will ask God's help to achieve ll of my goals and I will listen so that when God tells me or shows me somethhing I will hear Him and know because I can Achieve all things through God who strengthens me.
I have read everything that everyone has posted to me I really have.
I have NOT asked them NOT to talk to him about it. I have made sure that they all know what is going on and are fully aware of what is happening. They HAVE told him that she is not welcome in their homes or around them and that they do NOT approve of this. What I was saying is that they will not do this on FB as a general agreement in that they do not wish to embarrass me further or themselves when he blasts back at them. That's all, so the comments will only be from her friends in that case.
I did not ask them not to do this, they just have been doing things that way. He has only posted things on there twice about OW and they have been pretty much ignored, but he gets calls and texts about them consistengly from what he complains to me in private.
