The journey begins

[Golfgirl1]

Yikes! No, no, no...to the 31-year old. You have to be totally okay with being alone and not "needing" anyone before you are able to be healthy enough to be in a relationship. You have to heal and completely close the door to this relationship first. Believe me, I've been right where you are right now and it's not good. Let the emotions hit and ride them out; stay home, relax and feel them. You have to do this! There is no way out but straight through the pain. Please...do this for you and your kids.

BTW, I grew up in Belleville and am still a Cards fan although the Rockies take a close second.

AND...play more golf. You have to be "present" to shoot well (you know that) and it keeps your mind off the crap.

Hang in there, you can do this!!!

[ClingingToHope]

Hey, I appreciate the input and I understand where you are coming from. When I was sitting in church I was thinking about what God is trying to teach me.

Humility for one thing. For the longest time I had a seemingly perfect life. Nice house. Two beautiful girls. The dog. The career. The pretty wife.

And I had little patience for others and a sarcastic sense of humor and a sense of superiority.

Confidence in just being me. I still have that addiction to being in a relationship. My sense of self has taken such a beating. I feel so ... diminished. I must remember that so much of my life is good -- daughters, friends, career, health. There are a lot of people who would trade places with me.

I've written this before. I've NEVER been alone. I always lived with someone until these last 14 months.

So I hear you ... and yet I don't want to close any doors in my life. I don't want the next great thing pass me by because I've set an artificial deadline of mourning.

I also don't want to rush into anything because I need to be with someone.

Man, it's a struggle.

I'm going to call my church friend 31 from now on to save time. We've exchanged texts a couple of times. About tonight, we'll see. It's a very unlikely relationship anyway. How many 31 year olds are looking for someone 10 years older with two kids and money issues?

I guess the possibility of it is helping me through.

I FINALLY got a response from my L today on the email I sent Monday. I wonder if he'll charge me double since it's a holiday.

Anyway, he's going to send STBXW's lawyer a letter basically saying if they'll pay me $11,000 in after-tax dollars then we'll agree. If it's money coming from retirement then we want $15,300.

I was reading Gardener's post about his one true wife.

My problem is I now have my doubts. The more I think back and the more I realize that we really started to struggle when D11 hit age 3. That's eight years. So how true was the love?

I have a friend who is thinking of proposing. His girlfriend and he fight all the time. Over money -- she'll go nuts with credit cards when depressed -- over family, hers doesn't really like my friend. Finally, over sex. They've been together almost three years and had sex five times.

I've told him these things usually don't get better with marriage. It just doesn't sound like she's that into him. STBXW and I were really into each other when we got married.

He turned that around on me. He said they've talked about marriage and how hard it is going to be and they are comfortable with the fact that they fight because they work things out that way.

He asked me if STBXW ever really fought. I said, no, not for a long time. We really thought we were perfect for each other and I think we both were shocked when we weren't perfect.

Maybe he's right and I'm wrong and I'm doomed to make that mistake again.

Off to the fireworks. Happy 4th.

[Golfgirl1]

If it's the next great thing, it will be there when the time is right and you are healthy enough to balance all that will now be in your life. Sit back and go with the flow....I'm telling you it will be worth the ride.

Think what you have already learned and can continue to learn by being with yourself and being alone. Trust me, you will find strength you never knew you had.

I'm not sure you can compare relationships. For some, fighting works, for others not so much. I just read, "Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons" by the founder of EHarmony. He said you have to have disagreements in a marriage and you must learn to work them out. My xh and I never fought and after 20 years we are now divorced. He told me last year when he left he was tired of compromising. Well, I didn't know he was compromising. There are so many levels of compatability and, to me, that's what it comes down to and I think very few people actually get it right. Some just stick with the misery...

Anyway, validate yourself and look inward. You're going to be just fine, but give it time

Happy 4th!

[ClingingToHope]

Excellent time tonight. We got to the park to see the fireworks three hours before they went off. There wasn't many from the group, but 31 was there. I waited until she showed and walked down with her.

A new girl was there, a 25-year-old attorney. I spent a lot of time talking to her and she took up golfing two years ago.

Finally it was time for the fireworks and they were very, very good. I was laying there watching them and I just felt soooo at peace with things. I know the peace won't last -- but for this night I felt good and that is key. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now.

On the way out I asked the 25-year-old to play golf and it may happen.

I walked 31 to her car. It was a bit of a walk and we were talking and it felt good. She was whitewater rafting this weekend with friends this weekend and too tired to head out after.

A coworker saw us walking and he was just getting off so I headed out with him. It was a good time. I texted STBXW around midnight to tell her I would be home tomorrow (today) and the girls can come by whenever.

This long emotional weekend is almost over.

[ClingingToHope]

Up and at 'em today. More cleaning -- including the bathrooms -- to prepare for the girls being here a week.

Coworker who wants to start a side business is coming over in 20 minutes to work on the LLC agreement. The more I think about this the more excited I become.

Really a good time last night -- mixed signals as always with 31. I won't see her again until July 17.

Dreading STBXW's return from the campground. I previously mentioned that I backslid. I did something really dumb Friday night. Drunk and depressed I ran over one of the For Sale signs at the house. I hadn't gone by the house at night in months.

How dumb is that. I immediately realized how dumb that was. Even though it's on the bike path and realistically another car could have done it, obviously she's going to correctly think it's me.

So I parked and tried to stand the thing up. I got it to stand up, but the base is bent to Hell and ... well, I can just imagine the conversation.

So that was weighing on my mind all day Saturday. How could I be sooooo weak.

But I can't go back and change it. I just have to keep moving forward.

[ClingingToHope]

Hey, another GOOD thing out of last night. One of the people from the group runs the Celebrate Recovery ministry on Friday nights.

About 250 people attend each week. I asked him if it was for more than drinkers and drug abusers.

He ran through the gamut, anger, co dependency, sexual issues.

Those last three were what I wanted to hear.

The next time I'm faced with a Friday with nothing to do I may head over there. It's better than sitting home alone thinking "woe as me."

[ClingingToHope]

STBXW just dropped girls off. They are here for six days -- minus Wednesday night where they'll spend a night at the house.

No mention of the sign so perhaps it's standing OK. Dodged that bullet. Must man up on this whole situation.

D7 asked for a family hug. Then STBXW left and I watched her leave through the blinds. She's still gaining weight, but I'll always think she's beautiful. She's the central figure for much of my 20s and all of my 30s.

She's starting to feel like a memory now. Like looking through a yearbook.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, I know what you mean. I too think STBXW is beautiful, with each passing year she looks more and more attractive to me. It feels satisfying to know we actually loved them with all our heart. It's sad that they can't or won't see it.

Enjoy your time with the kids...they grow up too fast. Hope you have some plans.

[Golfgirl1]

I'm always going to chime in; just trying to help.

Those girls are young (25 and 31)...really??

You're doing a great job working on yourself and taking care of those kids. That's where it's at right now. There will be plenty of time for a relationship down the road when you are much more healed and emotionally stable to be the "emotional match" for the next person. You need to validate you not anyone else right now.

[ClingingToHope]

GG. I wouldn't even think of going out with a 25-year-old. That's just too young. But I wouldn't mind meeting her after work to play 9 holes. She isn't from here. She came here instead of Chicago to join a lawfirm because she thought she'd have more free time. Now, she says she has the free time but there isn't as much to do.

31 isn't too young, I don't think. My parents were 10 years apart. Now, she may think I'm too old for her. I don't know.

The Celebrate Recovery ministry on Friday night may help me with co-dependency issues.

Day one of our second week off with the girls. D7 is up and we've already had a small war of wills. D11 is still sleeping. It's going to be an interesting week. I need to keep D11 moving -- she likes to just sit -- but D7 has a nagging cough and generally doesn't look like she's feeling well. I was planning of taking them to Great America this week, but that's a long day if you're sick.