I was just reviewing my journal. I found this interesting. I put this long entry in just two days ago. And now that I re=look at it, I am figuring out that I'm not as crazy as I thought I was...I may actually be on the right track here. What do ya'all think??
*** I am not trying to make H uncomfortable, I am telling him what I want and need. I am being 100% honest with him, I am giving him 100% of my attention when I am with him in person, phone, text or chat. I am recognizing his faults too and point them out in a nice manner. I am making changes that I feel are good for me. I am trying to figure out a future though I have not done so yet. I am starting to want to go out and be with friends (GAL). I am telling him things that I never dreamed possible and disussing rather than fighting. I am, for instance, getting pretty angry that he lied to me about OW, that he hid things from me for months and that everything is now his way or no way. Well, I have feelings, wants, desires and needds too and he needs to recognize that. But he must do it on his own. I am also going dim. I will not call, text, email etc him unless absolutely necessary. I will answer his periodically but will not talk about OW. I will deal with what must be done and no more, but be friendly throughout.
I will make decisions solely for me and not worry about what he thinks.
I have already told him that he is not welcome here unless I know and say it's okay.
I will talk to the executress of the estate and attempt to sell this house and downsize which is something we had talked about for months anyway, so I am just going to do that. I WANT to do that, so I AM.
I will check at university and see about what I need to do in order to finish my degrees and see if it is a fiesable option at this time.
I will learn to quit torturing myself. He lied to me and hid things from me for months now. I wasn't the only one at fault. My lie was the SAME ONE the whole time, he has done worse and hidden more from me than I ever did him. I will not take all the blame here. But will share it.
I will not go quietly into this divorce without fighting for my H and M. I love him and it would be a betrayal of ME if I did that. I will NOT betray myself!
I will continue to do the little, spontaneous things. They are fun, I like to make people smile. It makes me feel good to do this.
I will keep my house clean cause I like it better this way. I still despise the house and town, but clean it is better by a long shot.
I will work on my compassionate, caring, nurturing side to improve my worth as a person. To be the best me I can be.
I will diligently search for a new job. Something stable where there is room to grow and where I can be appreciated. This will also enable me to pay my bills and maintain.
I will continue to lose weight. I am at 276lbs, I want to be at 175 and healthieer. I will continue to diet, work out and walk toward this goal. I will also quit smoking finally. It is best for me and my health.
I am done being the doormat here. I will not accept all blame, I will not just do what makes someone else happy. I will live for ME and do what I feel is right along the away. Hopefully they will agree with me, but I don't know and don't have the energy to care at this point.
I will adhere to the DB advice and see what happens. If nothing else, I will learn bout myself along the way and be better off for it.
I will work to achieve serenity, wisdom and courage. I will ask God's help to achieve ll of my goals and I will listen so that when God tells me or shows me somethhing I will hear Him and know because I can Achieve all things through God who strengthens me.
