Question

[awest1217]

Yesterday went well. H got S right on time. He wanted to chit chat and I just wanted to talk business. When S left, i got a lot of hugs and kisses then H gave me a long hug. I was mad because then I smelled like him for a while.

I distracted myself for a while putting together H's b-day present from last year, a fire pit, so my fam could roast marshmallows. Then I went to pizza with my fam, and then to Old Navy. We got home and I noticed I had a message, but my phone never rang...

It was S calling because he missed me and wanted to know what I was doing. I was upset I missed it so I tried to call H back, but he wouldn't answer.

H did text to say they were on their way home.

H said they had a good time, but around 4 S started acting fussy, and there was nothing else to do, but watch the airplanes, so he asked S if he wanted to watch another plane or go home, and he said go home. Otherwise, H said they had a good time.

S was very clingy when he got home. All he wanted to do was have me hold him for the first half an hour he got home. Annoying, yet it made me feel good because I know that the bond we have is very strong so no one will ever break it or change it. He loves his momma.

After the cuddling, S started to play with his cousins, which he never gets to do. They live in TN and even when we visit, he sees them for a couple of hours and that is it. Yesterday he got to play with them. Plus they are all old enough to play together, 2 almost 3, 6 and 8. The 8 year old didn't play with them too much, but the 6 year old and S played so well. S loves it!

My only issue is S hasn't talked much about the air show. I have asked tons of questions and he doesn't want to talk about it so I don't know what that is about. I don't know if he was a handful and got yelled at a lot or if he just didn't find it interesting or i am just asking the wrong questions, but he did seem to enjoy the time with his daddy.

Today my fam is with their extended families. My step-sister's mom at lunch and brother-in-law's dad for dinner plus their families. That is what I don't want for S...my family who does a lot and S loves it, H's family who is possessive of him, then step-families...just a lot. Later we will do fireworks at a local park and they leave tomorrow. Then Tuesday is a picnic at my grandma's.

One last thing, when H dropped off S, he came in and my fam was in town of course. My nephew6, came up to ask about putting together one of H's old games that he had played before when they were hear maybe 2 years ago. H looked like he was about to cry. They are his nephews too, and he doesn't get to hang out with them and the same with my step-sister and BIL. I could see the hurt in his eyes, but consequences of his choice. I had to text H about S's cup because it didn't make it back. I also text him to say thank you for doing the outing because it meant a lot to S. I do want to keep things positive between us, but just not romantic. We probably won't talk again for a month when H realizes it is time for S's yearly pics and yearly check-up.

[Lucky11too]

Well, like you're saying, it's good he got his daddy time in, now for S's sake, if he can only keep some actual consistency.

So in order to save your texts to the computer, you'll need the USB cable and disk that came with your phone. I have a Sony Ericsson phone and the program is called Sony Ericsson PC Suite. I think you can also get the applicable program from your phone's website - it seems like most of them have free downloads. If all else fails, just google "save texts to computer" for your phone, and there should be someone out there who has the answer your phone. For me, then I just hook up my phone to the computer, start the program, and I am able to save it into that program. Hope that helps!

Sounds like you have a busy few days. Hope all is going well!

[awest1217]

Thanks. My newest phone actually didn't come with anything, but a charger and the phone so I will have to do some research later.

Nothing really to report. H text me July 4 to make sure I knew about the fireworks and asked where we were sitting. I almost text him yesterday, but stopped myself. I have a lot of questions and some things I would like to point out to H about how this is just like OW1, but I know I will never be able to do that and honestly nothing will come of it. Pretty much I will forever be in this state of not knowing. For me, I wonder about my judgement because I knew H was doing this stuff before we got married, but i married him anyway. I even got an anonymous letter the two days before our wedding that now I think more and more was from OW1 and I still married him. He said it was a prank from the band, which is completely possible given their sick minds, but still.

I wonder if I ever meant anything to him and why he did this all the time if he did care about me. I mean it was the whole time we have been together. Why stick with me if he didn't ever want to commit? I also really want to know if he likes the arrangement we had and where he sees me right now in his life. I would love to know what he learned in therapy. If telling another woman "i love you" is ok in their book even if you are still married. Since he talks to his coworkers like he still lives at home, does he plan on coming home at some point? Or is he doing that so a D will make him look like the victim? I have so many questions, but i know they will never get answered.

Still staying dark completely, and will have to talk to H when insurance is due because we have to figure out if he is going to stay with my insurance or get his own. It will be another thing like the moving houses where it will say a lot, but not really.

I have moved on a lot more than it seems when I am writing, but I am trying to work through some of my feelings and learn from my mistakes. I am not longer wearing any ring at all. i gave the one ring back to my step-sister and told her thank you, but i am ready to not wear one without feeling ashamed or like it is my fault. I still would like to buy a mother's ring at some point (sapphire for S and diamonds for me) for our bond, but not in the budget.

My sister and SIL plus probably many friends are prowling everywhere they go to find me someone to date. I said no time soon, but they said they are still looking for possibilities and like I have said with my convictions, it is not looking good, but most days i enjoy being independent. Those of you who have ever watched Gilmore Girls, H and I used to watch them together and we have all the seasons on DVD, but I now more than ever relate to the main character Lorelai and I pretty much am her, except I am not funny and witty, but otherwise the independent part is like me so it is very soothing to watch it every night.

Today to my grandma's for a cookout to see my cousin who lives in Arizona. Then later this week, putt-putt with S, swimming because it is HOT, work on Sunday school stuff, and who knows what else. This weekend...meeting at church for Sunday school at 9 am Saturday, baby shower for H's cousin at 10:30 and a grad party for my good friend in the evening...church sunday, and july is half over which means...getting ready for work and finishing Sunday school stuff because I take over August 1 and I have to get my new room ready at work...many changes this summer and for the start of next year...I hope I can handle them, but the good thing is that it feels like a fresh start without H, which is nice.

[awest1217]

MIL came over to drop off some food for S; blueberries, peas, etc. Then asks him to come over on Friday in front of me without asking me first. UGH! She is going to call later this week to discuss details and I will let her know then that she needs to ask me first away from S BEFORE talking to him about doing stuff. Also I will continue to foster a good relationship between them, but they will only get to see him after this weekend only weekends that H is supposed to see him. No more seeing him when it is convenient. They can see him on H's time not mine.

I really believe more than ever H and I will not be together for much longer...if only he would come and get all of his junk.

[Lucky11too]

It's frustrating not knowing all the answers, but at some point, we just have to let it go b/c either we're not going to get a straight answer, it's not going to make a difference, or both. I have so many questions now too, so I completely understand your need for that closure though.

I love your idea about the mother's ring. I haven't worn my ring since we separated, so that is a great idea! It's only appropriate to have a ring signaling the most important man in our lives - our S's!

haha, I love friends and family. They always just want to "help". I guess it's just their way of helping us move on past our H's. I wouldn't close yourself off completely forever (obviously right now and until a D is final it is not a good idea) but someday you might just meet the right guy for you who is a great role model for S too. But it's definitely good that you have that independence too as that way you aren't dependent on a guy and as many women are, won't be happy until they've found another one.

Wow, that was pretty nervy of MIL. Very frustrating. It's great that she wants to continue a R with her grandson, but she needs to have a little more respect of you as the mother. I think you have the right idea about it to allow and encourage the R but also setting some boundaries. Sometimes all you can say is that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! And regarding H's stuff, there's always the option when you're ready to just drop it off at his parents or set on the curb. A little bold but at this point, he doesn't deserve much more than that.

You have come such a long way emotionally. I hope I can get there sooner rather than later too. Obviously there are still questions and low points, but you have really found a way to make a happy life without H and are moving forward. So much fun stuff planned! Have a great time and just really enjoy it! =)

[ClingingToHope]

I agree about drawing the line with the MIL. It's part of the consequences. My STBXW said her mom is worried that she won't get to see the girls nearly as much. She likes having them over on holidays, summers, etc.

Well, they can do plenty of that on STBXW's time. In your case and mine the in laws are enabling the D or in your case separation so this is consequences for them as well.

Yes, all of the questions. Like Lucky said, I'm guessing they may never get answered or it may be years down the road when the R is so old and hard feelings have gone away that you can ask honest questions.

I really want to know what happened in counseling in 2008. I want to know if this motorcycle guy was more than just a friend.

[awest1217]

Well, text H today to let him know what I was going to do with MIL. We agreed after what happened last weekend that we would communicate better about MIL and S, for S's sake. I told him I was going to talk to MIL about respecting me, and he said he was sorry and that she is probably wanting to take S to the fair. She had asked H earlier in the week and he said it wasn't his weekend so it would be no. I respect his understanding. He also said he is sorry for MIL trying to manipulate me again.

He also talked more about his weekends so I said I want to know what he wants and he said Fridays from 4 until 7 and Saturdays 9-7, since S is in bed at 8. We both agree S should not spend the night at his parents because of how possessive MIL is and because I don't want him to get used to H at one house and then him move.

So to me it seems like we can D. The reason for not Ding was because H wasn't seeing S regularly and I didn't want to make him do it if he didn't want to. Now H has not had him for a whole weekend even once so we will see if he actually does what he says he is going to do, but it does seem like my reasons for not filing are gone so I will try to talk to H in person some time soon and see if there is even a small reason for not filing. I really don't want to file, but even my aunt who was holding out hope far beyond anyone else that H would change his mind told me today that she doesn't know now if that is good because I have moved on and am doing well without him so should I really keep dealing with him if I don't have to. My only other hold up is I don't want H to make it out like he is the victim if I file. He left, he had the affair, he continually chooses to not work things out so he is not a victim, but neither am I. We are joint partners in our marriage failing and HE alone does not want to try so that is on him, and I don't want him to get sympathy from coworkers or family when it is his choice to not work on things...not mine...I am just choosing to not be a victim of his manipulations anymore.

A lot to think about...and a long week still ahead. Splash pad maybe tomorrow, put-putting sometime with S, the weekend stuff...a lot going on.

[Lucky11too]

Wow, that's a big step for H to actually set up weekend times. It seems like he never wanted to discuss anything about it before. Yeah, I would definitely like to see if he follows thru with it, but the fact that he seems to be trying with S, is a good sign for S's sake.

I can see your point now for wanting to file. You may want to give H a chance to set the S routine in motion first tho and give him a chance to get use to it, incase he flips out when you do file. You have a great attitude about it all tho. I guess I'm still in the "I'm the victim" stage, but you're right, both parties our at fault for the M failing, but our H's shouldn't get any sympathy either as they are the ones who are chosing not to save it. Such a hard place tho. I know I'm going to be at that point very soon, but it's still hard to put that final nail in the coffin, even if it was our H's who closed it.

[ClingingToHope]

From reading your thread, he'll play the victim in either case. If you don't file and he actually does, it'll be your fault because you didn't understand his issues or were too controlling, etc.

[awest1217]

Nothing much to say, but to update...

Friday: MIL never called about S coming over so S and I went out to eat with a bunch of friends for his best friend's dad's b-day (also an old friend of my brother). Then we did some shopping. The eventful part was when we got home, my house keys had slipped off my ring so I was frantically looking for them. Finally the last place I looked was at Target (one of the places we shopped), and there they were at customer service. I just said "thank you Jesus", and S repeated me a lot because it is my only set of keys. I was going to have to go a few days until my step-sister sent my only other set back up here from TN because she accidentally took them with her. My brother, parents, and sister helped a lot, but thank goodness I didn't have to do anything crazy, and I never called or text H for help except to complain because my phone kept shutting off and what can I do.

Saturday: BUSY DAY! Meeting at church then the baby shower. I got there a little late, but MIL comes up and asks why S and I didn't come over. I said because she never called like she said she would. (notice now she wanted me to come too). She didn't seem too mad and I talked to her for a bit. Near the end of the shower H's aunt who is dying of cancer (she was diagnosed a year ago. I saw her last month and she didn't look too bad, yesterday she looked like a skeleton. It is so sad) asked me "Amy are you ready for another one". I was honest and I said Yes I would love another baby, not knowing what she would say to that, and she says "but you need a husband for that". I couldn't believe what I heard. They are such a reserved family, but facing death gives you the boldness to say whatever you want. She then came over and told me to tell H how much I loved him, and I told him that I had done that many times, but you can't change a person (all with MIL right next to me). She just said some people are stubborn and I agreed to which she just said pride and walked away. When i left, I made sure to talk to her because who knows now if I will ever see her again and she was always the nicest person in the family, and she reiterated to pray and do anything to get H back.

Then the grad party which was fun, but I had to deal with H's brother bothering his ex-girlfriend again...It was a late night with a bonfire and lots of fun!

Today: Church which was awesome and sad. My brother preached (he is an awesome preacher), but with what is happening at church, it is everything H and I had been praying to have happen, and he isn't here. He and I are an awesome team. Really unstoppable and we had tons of plans for when this happened, but now...it is just me. i will be awesome, but it is different because we were supposed to be a team. Things change.

Still not talking to H. I did send the one texta bout my phone friday and he responded, but that is it since Tuesday last week. I just don"t understand how he can not know what is going on in S's life, but then this Friday and Saturday he is supposed to come and take him. He has no idea what has happened to S for the past two weeks! we will see what this week brings with the massive heat wave on its way...I hate 90+ degree weather!