He used the analogy that if people had to kill for their own meat, there would be alot more vegetarians. Basically, if they had to inflict hurt DIRECTLY, much less people would do it.
Oh please. She's cheating on you. Did begging and pleading work for you last time you tried it?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Ditto here TH... That advice is ridiculous... Sorry but I don't think this FT has any experience with infidelity cases except maybe cases where they failed to help at all and the marriage ended... Addicts do NOT SYMPATHIZE with ANYONE except THEMSELVES
And I am sorry to say the FT is also incorrect about the meateating analogy... people used to kill for their own meat and yes it is done far less often now... But it WAS done BEFORE... when PRESSED to kill or go vegetarian people DID KILL for their meat... NOWADAYS they just don't have to make that choice...
You DO grow numb to it after a while... People weren't vegetarians before meat showed up at the grocery store... they DID kill for it... This FT is a fool... sorry, but the logic is seriously flawed there...
Well I talked to her just a little today, and suggested we do Retrouvaille in August. Her mom is 110% on board with the idea of going there.
However, her mom sees very, very little hope in talking to her, because every time they talk my wife is dead set on divorce. She says she's never seen my wife soooo determined before.
My wife said "I'll think about it", which means she wants to talk to her mom about it first. Which her mom said she will push for her to go very hard. However, my wife also said "We're NOT getting back together!" I didn't push the issue, and I said that it's not about getting back together. It's about healing and two people rediscovering.
I really, really hope that she accepts me paying for Retrouvaille, as it is about a month away. So I'd have 1 more month to DB, and then an intense weekend where there is usually enormous success.
Oddly on another note, today after the gym she got a shower, and then put on a very sexy outfit, but she's NOT going anywhere today. I can't figure this out. She just put on this outfit to sit around the house, knowing I'd be home all day. I kind of thought for a moment that she might be trying to get me to notice her, but then she goes and says "We're NOT getting back together!" and "I thought you'd accepted the fact there's no changing my mind".
We have been VERY civilly interacting the past 3 days, but when she talks to her mom she is talking to her about looking for condos, moving out ect. For the first time, I am getting mixed signals from her. She is nice and not angry.
I am kind of thinking that since the Facebook guy messaged her back that she is riding a high. But it was a 1 line text, so I wonder what is going on.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/04/1007:33 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
The anger phase DOES pass... it can vary from 2 weeks to a few months... But it does pass...
You need to stop fixating on what she's saying, and tell your mother to ignore the negative cynical commentary too.. This is RIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK MAN... RIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK... IGNORE 100% of the negative stuff they throw at you... And keep fighting...
Keep your mother in the loop.. be VERY careful that your wife does NOT hear or find out about the term divorcebusting or she will be here and read ALL of your threads... do NOT expect the mods to remove them... I've been there.. they won't...
It's ok to post here, just don't share anything to do with MWD with your wife or leave her book lying around for your wife to find it... particularly since you both live together you need to be wary of your wife snooping and finding the book... It HAS happened on here... be warned
Your wife is likley wearning something that makes HER FEEL GOOD.. Don't assume what she's doing has ANYTHING to do with you... because it doesn't... Sh'es 100% focussed on how she feels right at this moment and acting on that... zero logic, zero long term planning... totaly impulse driven choices...
If she's doing something it's because that's how she feels... she feels miserable internally and all her output she throws around confirms that... the more negative she talks, the more miserable she feels internally.. even if she's putting a bright smile on you need to gauge her mood from how she's talking.. NEGATIVE talk = negative mood
And again you certainly do not want to take to HEART the negative talk which is 100% based on her current MOOD...
That's NOT logic or forethought there... which is what people should be employing when considering divorce... NOT their current MOOD
I feel miserable at work sometimes too, but I don't walk OUT because of it... because logically I know its NOT a good idea...
Well we had dinner together tonight and it was very civil.
But she said "You know it's ironic that we do more stuff together NOW that we're separated than we did before. Just ironic". It is odd because I try to avoid her, but lately we have been having civil discussions and maybe even a hint of humor and slight fun.
But she has told her mom how "happy" she is, and she does seem genuinely happy sometimes. But I WILL take your word for it that she feels miserable. It is just REALLY hard to see, if at all.
Quote:
the more negative she talks, the more miserable she feels internally
She doesn't talk negatively. She always seems very happy, and when talking to her mom, she seems genuinely in a good mood and ALWAYS speaks in positive phrasing. NEVER "I hate him" ect, but rather "I feel so good about doing XXX myself" or "I am doing so well".
But just now I saw her out in the back leaning on the rail with her head in her hands, most likely crying. I think.
Oh and her mom told her that Retrouvaille was definitely a good idea.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
The thing is QS, she is negative about staying married to you... She's just putting a positive spin on it...
And the "happy" you are seeing is the high she's getting from the fantasy she has in her head : the divorce, the OM, etc... It's NOT a healhty happiness.. it's an artificial high much like gamblers' get when they are on a winning streak.. they DO crash and they DO make a mess of their life, but when they are "on a roll" they do appear to people as genuinely happy...
Your wife has it in her head that once she divorces that her life will be a lot easier, but it won't be... and deep down she likley knows this but has no hope in her that her marriage will ever improve...
She's miserable and blames the marriage for that, and has chosen to act in a way to escape the marriage, desperately hoping that divorce and other men will make her life better... and she's CLINGING to that hope like a life-line.. and excited about that life-line... she has no idea its got a tiger on the other end of it...
Because this reminds me of my sitch, Allen, are we just to watch the crash? Or let her run headlong into the D Wall and THEN see the mistake? I'll be long gone by then.
Well I overheard another phone conversation between her and her mom,
She called her mom crying, upset about us having dinner and other stuff.
She basically said "He's doing all these things and acting this way, and it upsets me. I just want this divorce to be over with so I can move on with my life and find someone to be happy with. I want all this, just not with him"
Oh and her mom TOLD HER I talked about the Retrovaille to her. SHE TOLD MY WIFE.
All in all the conversation was ALOT of NEGATIVE TALK from my wife, saying how she was done with the marriage, I had my chance, how she wants to move on, she's miserable ect. She said she didn't want to do the retro weekend, and didn't see how it would help. She said how so very certain she was she wanted a divorce, and that she "felt nothing" for me.
And they talked about THE OTHER GUY. My wife LIED to her mom about how he is just a "friend" ect. She said that she knew the marriage was over a long time ago, and she is searching for that "connection" with a new person that makes her feel good.
I am VERY worried that her mom now is no longer with me. I have talked to her quite a bit, and my wife may be turning the tide on her. Her mom said she would try all she could to convince her about the retro weekend, but at the end of the conversation, it seemed like her mom was agreeing with my wife. I am NOT SURE yet.
My wife said she would give me an answer tomorrow, but I am pretty sure it will be no. All in all that conversation was ALOT of "IT IS OVER AND I AM DONE" talk. I didn't hear a positive word in there. She even said "Once in a great while I TRY to feel something for him, but there is just NOTHING there..."
This appears to be one of those dark days.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/05/1001:05 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
